My, my - it's been a ride! These past 3 years have been a roller coaster of emotions; a frenzy of learning everything I can about dysfunctional families, narcissism, passive/aggressive personality disorder; an in-depth study of how I've related to the world in the past and how I want to do that now. Phew! Am I finished? Hardly! Am I past the worst of it? I certainly hope so!
I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. The anxiety is waning more than waxing. I've "lost" some people I'd thought were friends but only on their terms, with me doing most of the "connecting," but I have some lovely new friends who nurture me and care for me as much as I do them. And the lovely old friends who stay connected with me are a true blessing.
I find myself being less concerned about other people's attitudes to me- just as I'm trying to rein in my overly developed need to care for folks who aren't connected to me. I'm a free agent in the world! And it's lovely - very freeing. I have time - not just because my spouse is in care, but also because my brain is no longer full of "should's" and old messages from Nmother about myself and the world. Her voice has been quieted - what a relief!
Now I know that this is a bit easier for me than for most ACON's because I live on a different continent than my NFOO. Going NC was bit easier, too, but given that I have 8 siblings, the "easy" part is balanced out with sheer numbers! Like I say, it's been a ride! I know there's still work to do - and there probably always will be - but I feel like I'm ready, finally, to be who I was meant to be, to live my own life, to be my own person, to dream my own dreams and do my own thing - hurrah!!!
I want to focus on other things now, but I want to thank all of you who've responded to this blog and whose blogs I've read intensely to figure out how to live free! I've learned so much from you who've gone before and were willing to share all that you learned. Without you, this journey would have been waaaaaaaaaay longer. I was blessed to have all of you and one loving sister who made the journey with me, encouraging me and easing the way. Gracias!! Muchisimas gracias!
