My role - the Lost Child

When I read Peter Pan as a child, I identified with the Lost Boys - that's what I'd always felt like in my family - Lost...  This role also gets called "the invisible child" - and I felt like that, too.  I've talked a little about my invisibility in other blogs, but all of this came up again when my eldest sibling came to visit.  I tried to explain it to her, but she kept saying that she never thought of me that way - I explained that that's not how it works - you don't say "She's the Lost Child" or "She's the Golden Child" or "She's the Scapegoat" or She's the Hero" or "He's the Mascot."  It's all in the way you treat a person. 

Finally, a situation came up when we were talking about Nmom's death.  (I've talked about this before, too - my "failure to properly greet." )  My sister had told me that the WWW was so upset about my not properly greeting her when I arrived - I explained to my sister (and this should NOT have needed an explanation) that I had just driven 7 hours, slept on the floor of a friend, flown across the country, and then driven 4 hours, all the time believing that Nmother might have already died by the time we got there - I know, I know - at that point it was somehow important...)  This sister saw WWW's "pain" at not being greeted properly, but did NOT see my exhaustion - she kept saying, "But you didn't look exhausted..."  Really???  How is that even possible?  I know that I'm a magnificent specimen of elderly womanhood, but really?  I was literally folding in half from exhaustion.  But she couldn't see it!  That, my friends, is invisible. 

Another VD survived!

No, that does NOT mean what you probably think it means... It's Valentine's Day for those of us who didn't see that marrying familiar is NOT a good option.  This post won't make much sense to those of you who got healthy enough to not choose someone who sort of looked like the opposite of what your family was - and then turned out to be waaaay too similar.  I didn't marry an N - I suppose I'm grateful for that, although I might have gotten out early if I had.  I married a passive-aggressive, who also now has a type of dementia.  He cried over dinner tonight, telling me that someone who works at the home told him that if he thought he was lonely in his room at the home, he should think about her alone in her apartment.  When he'd finished crying, I reminded him that his wife was also living alone.  He just looked at me and then said that he was sad about that, too (but without tears)...  Honestly... And I need to talk to that woman now, too...  Boundaries, people - boundaries!!!

But the good news from the week is that I went to a nutritionist who determined that I have an underactive thyroid in addition to a couple of other things and I'm taking iodine drops.  OMG, I have so much energy - and it's not the type of energy that  I've had for decades - the kind where I PUSH myself to get done what I need to do - this is an ABUNDANCE of energy and I can get an amazing number of things done!!  But I'm also calm - not anxious, not nervous - calm and energetic - what a combination!

On balance, the week's been good.  And there won't be another VD for 364 days - hurrah!!! 

Worth all the pain!

This process has been long and difficult, but honestly, it's been soooo worth the effort.  The Protector of the WWW and her Flying Monkeys has been visiting for the past week and we've had a good time.  There have been moments, of course.  She's asked questions and I've answered them honestly, which has usually stopped all conversation for a while, but I don't offer  additional information unless she asks more, which she doesn't...  She asks but really doesn't want to know... I've held my ground, protected my boundaries, and have mostly enjoyed our visit.  Now, of course, I have to see if she can honor her commitment to not spread information about me to the crazy triumvarite...  If not, there won't be a repeat visit.  Best part:  no anxiety!