Change is hard

I think one of the hardest things about getting healthier emotionally is looking at all my "old" relationships and realizing how many of them involve me doing most of the work.  I've decided to NOT initiate contact with old friends to see how long it will take for them to contact me.  Looking backwards, I'm appalled at how many "friends" respond to my emails and messages, but rarely initiate.  This is sooooo much a reflection of my NFOO - if I wanted contact, I had to make the first move.  So many of the relationships in my life have been MY responsibility - I've spent way too much time "working on" relationships of all kinds - enough!   I'd happily live as a hermit rather than keep friendships that don't nurture me. 

Disadvantages of getting emotionally healthy

There are some clear disadvantages to getting emotionally healthy - I used to be able to just suck it up and get on with it.  That's getting harder and harder to do.  I've spent an hour crying this morning, knowing that I can't keep taking care of my spouse and wondering how I'm going to manage yet another expense of this horrific disease.  Because of his p/a, he just can't listen to anything I say and I find myself getting more and more frustrated with his antics.  Because he now also has dementia, it's hard to sort out what's what  - and it really doesn't matter, I guess, because the behavior will continue unabated until he dies.  It usually means more work for me, though, and I think I'm past the point...  it's like having a 172 lb. toddler with an attitude.  In the old days, I would have just stuffed the feelings and walked zombie-like through the day, doing what had to be done.  Now I don't want that kind of life - I need to take care of me, too, something I never even thought about before. 

Butterflies!

This was on a friend's facebook page today, and I love it!!!

When I read the last line, I read it in a whisper, with awe!

Taking care of me

My sister-in-law's "Celebration of life" was this past Saturday.  I didn't go - I'm on another continent and I couldn't justify the airfare for a short trip to the US to see a brother who obviously has no interest in a relationship with me - there you have it. I'm sad (about K's death, but also about my brother's lack of a desire for a relationship with me), but it's not that core sadness, the sadness that seems to reach into the very center of you, the sadness that feels like it will destroy your soul.  It's just sadness, and it will pass. 

Taking care of a spouse with Parkinson's, Parkinson's dementia and p/a is stressful and I'm having to look again at how I can survive this - most of our married life has been about him, his needs, his fear of intimacy.  Now it's my turn, but I'm doing it with a load of responsibility and I find myself in a balancing act every single day.  But my first question now is "Is this good for me?" instead of "Is this good for him?"  Thirty-nine years of having your own way seems like enough...  His doctor suggested therapy for him and I've nixed it - we can't afford it and he won't follow through with it - he never has and I haven't seen a change that justifies throwing yet more money at this illness.  I'm considering taking a week long trip and putting him in the care facility where he now spends two days a week.  I need a break!  

An offer of help and its aftermath

I was conditioned to be a Server of N’s – not the greatest role in the NFOO, but it’s what I got.  This has led to all sorts of horrors in the NFOO and out of it – I’ve tended toward relationships in which I did most of the “relating” while the other person was critical of my efforts, which only made me redouble them.  It was exhausting to be me!  Unfortunately, my marriage is one of those relationships, which is making caretaking doubly difficult.  It’s one thing to caregive when you can look back at a somewhat normal relationship in which both people have shared their lives with each other – not so much what my relationship looks like… 

With N’s, the more you do for them, the more critical they become – you are somehow “less than” because you offer to help.  My offer to help my brother care for his dying wife led to him shutting down all contact with me – imagine my nerve!  I was willing to move back to the States, rent an apartment, and help him in whatever capacity he needed – at my expense.  When we went last year to help, another sister bought groceries and you’d have thought she was buying caviar and charging it to my brother’s account – he was highly critical of her for buying good food for him and his sick wife.  (Ok- missed red flag…)  

So what is it that makes this happen??  My brother has some sort of belligerent “I’m independent and don’t need anyone” thing going on, so that’s part of it.  I think there may also be something about being above needing help.  He’s very into everyone in his family being “tough” – it comes up in a lot of conversations.  He’s phenomenally shut down emotionally.  Sounds like a typical N, doesn’t he?  I love my brother, but I can’t be in a relationship with him anymore – I’m doing all the “relating” and he’s being critical and distant.  I live with that and really don’t need any more of these relationships like this in my life.  Oh, my…. 

Self pity

Yesterday morning was difficult - the woman who usually comes on Wednesday to take care of my husband had car issues so couldn't make it.  Since I'd planned the day to be alone, it was a huge disappointment - in truth, I cried a good bit...  I have 3 days a week that I've planned to be without my spouse so that I can do what I want to do - but it rarely works out that way.  If he's sick, he can't go to the care place - if we absolutely have to do something that requires both of us, it's easier to do it on Wednesday because our helper that day has a car (usually) and my husband's walking has become progressively worse.  I feel like the time I have to myself decreases every week....  I'm instituting a back-up plan for the Wednesday person this week - I really can't do 3 complete days in a row for now...  I'm also going to buy an exercise bike - I HATE not being able to get out and walk every day, but a bike will at least give me the chance to exercise every day.  I'm feeling very sorry for myself - but sooooooo looking forward to tomorrow!!!!