Dreams die hard

Today, I was wandering the streets of my city - I had to get something at the market, which I did, and then I just wandered around, watching people, seeing life unfold around me, and I almost cried  (Those of you who know me know that I rarely cry in public - in fact, I rarely cry even in front of friends, something I really do have to get over since it's a holdover from my childhood, when crying was just plain not allowed - someone might have to DO something if you cried, so it was verboten.)
The country in which I live is still very family based - there were small groups of people everywhere, going shopping together, heading off (I imagine) to have lunch together.   And there were couples - young and old, heads bent together, holding hands, arms linked, arms around each other, laughing - and it made me sooooooo jealous!  I think that jealousy is mostly a waste of time, but today it just hit me so hard that I've been "working on my marriage" for so long and with so few real results and I'll still never have what these people I was watching had - someone who loved  them, someone who wanted to spend time with them, someone who thought they were precious and wonderful, who brought his soul to the relationship, who wanted to share his life, his thoughts, his dreams, his hopes with them.  Yes, I understand that I've invested some of these men with more than they're actually doing, but happiness seems so far out of my reach and I'm trying hard not to stretch so far anymore - there's a real hopelessness in my heart - because I think I've known for a long time that if I don't try anymore it doesn't mean that he'll pick up the slack - it just means that there won't be anything anymore.  And I know intellectually that that's better than continuing to strive for what can't be because he just can't do it and it's impossible for me to do everything that two people are supposed to do in a relationship - and that it's grossly unfair to ask it of me...  But there's always been just a tiny,tiny part of me that hoped, that thought, that maybe someday, if I worked hard enough, if I sacrificed enough of myself, if I gave it everything I had and then some, that he'd somehow turn and actually SEE me, that he'd suddenly want to meet my needs, that he'd wonder to himself about what I'd like instead of what he'd like to give me - yes, my fantasy life is exceptionally well developed and I'm ready to set it aside, but the sadness is overwhelming.  It's the end of a long run, and if I let it go, I'll have a chance to be happy - or at least I'll have a chance to be me, which I think would make me happy.

Do children with RAD grow up to be narcissists?

So here's a new spin on narcissism - narcissism looks remarkably like adult attachment disorder, a relatively new diagnosis, from what I can tell.  Here's a site:  http://www.instituteforattachment.org.  This is so very odd - my spouse has been diagnosed with adult attachment disorder and living with this looks a LOT like living with narcissism- if it looks like a duck... But there appears to be some hope with neurofeedback, which my spouse is getting to reduce anxiety...  Does anyone out there know anything about this???

Alas...

You just can't un-see this.  And once you see it, every relationship ends up, sooner or later, under the microscope.  And honestly, looking the other way to save an unhealthy relationship is just, well, dishonest - and ridiculous if you want to really get better and live an emotionally healthy life and be less stressed and heal yourself - and BE yourself.  I've managed to skirt around the deep issues in this relationship for so long and now here it is - right in front of me, demanding that I look at it, demanding that I really SEE it, demanding that I be honest about the deep pain that this relationship has caused me and the near impossibility that any lasting change can happen because the other person really doesn't care about me at all - not so much from moral failure as from narcissistic wounds in childhood that led to this devastating fear of intimacy.  We had a long talk yesterday, known in the South as a "Come to Jesus" meeting - I laid out what I need (but part of the problem is that any need that I state MUST not be met) and what I will and won't tolerate and then gave a deadline 6 months out, at which point I'll make the decision about continuing the relationship or not.  I really have no hope - we've been over this ground so many times that I can almost predict the outcome and the various excuses for not continuing to work on the issues.  It all comes down to fear- it's immobilizing, it renders one incapable of basic human interaction, it makes flight the option of choice, and (perhaps worst of all) it makes one an emotional invalid - and an emotional coward. It limits the emotions you allow yourself to feel until eventually, you become completely numb and withhold everything from others so that you keep yourself "safe."  It's very sad - and I have no ability to change it.  God knows I've tried.  But you really just can't un-see this... 

Irony

I'm back home and realizing that jet lag can last a long time.  I flew from the West Coast this time and the travel time was 18 1/2 hours - grueling!  I think I could have flown to Australia in that amount of time. Thankfully, I had a good book and I no longer think that I have to talk to my seatmates, so it was mostly a good experience.  And, although one flight was 4 1/2 hours late due to weather and the flight being re-routed, the person who was supposed to meet me was there - hurrah!  But I'm finding that my sleep pattern isn't quite back to normal yet - alas...  Think it's time for Melatonin.

Today I'm starting to weave again - I've had to unpack my yarn since someone was staying in the house and I had to make room for them, so the yarn got consigned to the attic.  It was lovely looking at all the colors and textures again - and I have at least 5 projects that are laid out!  I also brought some equipment from the States that I'm eager to try - lacy edges to scarves and shawls - ah...

Did a lot of boundary practice over the past 2 months - some more successful than others.  Sometimes it was other people stepping over my boundaries and sometimes it was me doing the same to others.  It's hard work and people pleasing gets in the way a lot!  It was more obvious to me now that being an introvert dealing with extroverts is also part of this equation, especially if the extrovert has boundary issues, too.  I'm learning to be more clear with fewer words- and repeating those words over and over, if necessary.

 Having grown up in a "herd", it's been difficult in the past for me to tolerate being alone with myself.  That's changing - I really do like time alone now and find that I have to carve that time out for myself and not feel guilty for doing so.  Weaving is one way that I can do that - it's decidedly not a communal activity.  Being an introvert is an advantage in some ways - and knowing that I'm an introvert is even better. (Being an introvert was NOT accepted in my NFOO,so there are a couple of us that are fake extroverts, which is stressful!)  Now I can take the time to think through a response - I don't feel so much that I have to have an immediate answer, but can take the time to process what I want to say, without worrying that I might appear to be slow-thinking to an extrovert, especially a narcissistic extrovert.  (Being accused of being "stupid" was a customary Nassault in my NFOO - and being "shy" was considered a major character flaw.)  It's weird still to see myself this way, the way I really am and not the way I was conditioned to be so that Nfather in particular wouldn't see me as a pathologically flawed human being - oh, the irony!!

N-free and loving it!

I haven't been writing much - the holidays, visiting family and friends, and now helping my sister with recovery from surgery has meant moving around, less privacy, and interesting stuff to do!  I have two and a half weeks left in the States and I'm now in heavy duty weaving withdrawal, but I'm looking forward to some more time with my sister post-surgery (which was very successful), some time with my son and his significant other, and then getting back to my regular, normal, quiet life where I can weave and walk and go to lovely outdoor markets to buy my food.

So the holidays were lovely - no N's at all from the NFOO, so it was really pleasant, calm, mostly relaxed (the weird virus caused some stress, but mostly I was able to take care of myself through that), the kind of holiday that we all longed for in days past!  We saw beautiful gingerbread houses, light displays, historic towns, and we even got to go to a Moravian Love Feast - it was truly wonderful!  There are some N's that have found their ways into the non-N group, but they were mostly peripheral and easy enough to tune out for the most part.  (It's amazing how the NFOO has sooooooooo programmed us for supply, but other N's just don't have the ability to raise our shackles that way.)  Still, there's been some processing (Does this EVER end?) and talking about how to continue to live N-free, which I think is still helpful - and it may be for a while yet.  My goal is to, at some point in my life, not even CONSIDER N's at all - not to have them cross my mind, not to have to worry about their presence in my life, not to have to think about how to deal with them in any situation.  Wouldn't that be perfect???  I long for that day!  But each day is getting better - I'm more focused on me, on what I need, on what I want to be doing, on what and who I care about.  I don't miss any of the N's at all - what's to miss?  Shame and blame?  Harassment?  Gossip?  Slander?  No!  I don't miss any of it!  Only my non-N sibs and my chosen family and friends know where I am now - and since this sibling is also NC, life is good.  At some point, we'll probably move back to the States and then the word will get out, I'm sure - but NC will remain in place because I LOVE this!!!

N-ness is starting to take a secondary place in my thoughts, for the most part - life is just so much more pleasant without the constant nonsense and game-playing, the sniping and back-biting.  Ah....  I really do wish I'd discovered NC earlier - like maybe when I was 5!!!

Another Milestone!

Yee-haw!!!!  After MONTHS of effort, I've finally gone down another size!  Over the past 2 years, this makes a grand total of 3 - yes 3 - sizes down.  Going gluten-free and eliminating sugar and meat for the first year and a half and walking a lot was good, but going Paleo and walking a lot for the past 4-5 months was terrific.  Ah..  I still have 3 to go to be at my thinnest adult weight, and I'm looking forward to it!  And outside of this ridiculous cold, I've never felt better in my life!!  And I can't seem to stop adding exclamation points at the ends of my sentences...  !  Life  is wonderful.