Time to be careful

I think that I have to be careful – WWW and her FM’s have been quiet – I’ve been thinking that maybe they know that this time they’ve gone too far.  See the problem here?  I’ve started to believe that they’re like normal people – that they know when they’ve been wrong and may even feel guilty that they’ve behaved terribly.  This is now nonN’s get sucked back in – this is how I’VE been sucked back in over and over.   NOT THIS TIME!!!  I have to keep reading what other people say about dealing with narcissists and I have to keep writing so that I learn how to stay out of their mess.  I’ve never been able to trust them and I certainly can’t trust them now since not only has their behavior not changed – it’s actually escalated.  I’m glad that I live where I do and that I’m pretty inaccessible to them – and getting more inaccessible – hurrah!!!   

Joy cometh...

I can’t believe that it’s been 2 months since my mother died and the Three Weird Sisters made life so unbearable for the Ousted.  The healing is slow, but the freedom of being able to move through life without that craziness is helping the process along.  It’s amazing how many of us there are out there – I’m beginning to think that narcissism is a much more prevalent problem than most mental health practitioners believe, probably because they rarely show up in counseling and when they do, they’re such victims that the counselors don’t see it – they work on self-image and assertiveness!   No more assertiveness training for narcissists!!  Please, people!!!  They don’t need any help standing up for themselves – or believing that they’re the center of the universe!

After a lot of crying, crying, and more crying, I’m feeling ready to move on to the next phase of this, whatever that phase is.  Crying felt good for the first time in my life – it felt productive and healing and cleansing and I let myself do it, something I’ve resisted most of my life.  (If one is born to serve, tears are a dreadful inconvenience to those around them.  What?  I have to wait until you finish blubbering??)  I’m sure crying will be a part of the next phase, but hopefully not SO BIG a part of it.   I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time – hopeful that the rest of my life will be free of narcissistic drama, hopeful that my loving siblings and I will continue to get together in safe, stress-free gatherings where we will talk about our lives and our children and our grandchildren, where laughter will be open and easy and not at someone else’s expense.  Oh, my, life without narcissism will be a joy!  (OK, I’m not Pollyana and I know there will be stress and conflict, but without the narcissism angle, it still looks like heaven!) 

The Empress has no clothes!!

I think the most common question asked by ACoN’s is “Why didn’t I see this sooner?”  I’ve read a couple of good answers on blogs and websites:  1)  We were conditioned to react this way to narcissists, 2) As a child, you so wish for a good family that you begin to chronically overlook horrific behavior and 3) You saw what happened when a narcissist was confronted with his/her behavior.

Conditioning:  We were, indeed, conditioned to give the narcissist supply.  Our MNF demanded it, and once the Golden Child (In my case, the WWW) was identified and the process of grooming her had begun, she was petted, pampered, and protected.  In my FOO, the Golden Child looked a lot like my mother had as a young child.  My eldest sister, now the Main Winkie (protector of WWW and her FM’s) was the chosen protector.  This meant that the two sisters between MW and WWW were pretty much ignored.  In fact, we were often dressed alike although there were 2 years between us.  The Golden Child was also the youngest girl for quite a number of years, giving her even more elevated princess status.  She actually received gifts that she wanted for Christmas and birthdays and was not criticized and abused like the rest of us were.  While we cleaned our FOO’s house to absolutely ridiculous standards of cleanliness, the Golden Child was sent to help our grandmother.  The only time I remember our grandfather hugging one of us, it was, of course, the Golden Child.  We were trained early to let her do what she wanted or we’d get into trouble.

Wish for a good family:  When one child is selected as the Golden Child, the stage is set for the non-Golden Children to believe that they are not good enough, that they’ve done something wrong, that they aren’t loved because of faults within themselves – obviously, the parents love the GC, so it can’t be the parents’ fault!  This made the rest of us work even harder for attention and love.  We learned that currying favor with the GC was a way to win our parents’ approval, so whatever she wanted, we supplied and if she reacted to anything with fury, it was always our fault.  We learned early to tiptoe around her, so it’s little wonder that her adult behavior is as horrific as it is. 

What happens when a narcissist is confronted:  This one is easy – they win!!  Narcissists have no ability to reflect accurately on their own behavior; they automatically think that they’re right about everything and any fault lies elsewhere.  Confronting them is an exercise in futility – and will set into motion narcissistic chaos.  Not only are you wrong, but you are obviously demented, a liar (very big in our FOO), and merely bent on hurting the narcissist’s ever-so-tender psyche.  Telephone lines will buzz with gossip, slander, and just plain old lies in an attempt to destroy your reputation and the protector and flying monkey will come out in force – that way, any other confrontations of the narcissist will hopefully be avoided.

It’s actually pretty amazing that narcissists are EVER confronted or called to account for their behavior, especially women narcissists, who tend toward the histrionic and provide all kinds of drama if anyone suggests that their behavior is anything short of exemplary, even noble.  And their favorite line of defense is to accuse the other person of what they themselves have done – ta-da!!!  This reversal is often so absurd as to be in the realm of comedy, but don’t you dare point that out to the narcissist – or to their protectors or minions.  The empress is really quite naked!!! 

Predicting High Drama

Yesterday, I decided that just walking away was probably not enough.  I feel the need to make a declaration, to send a letter to each of the Threee Weird Sisters saying that I no longer want any contact and why.  There is so little honesty in my NFOO because of the fear.  So I wrote it, re-wrote it, and re-wrote it again.  I decided to call those of my siblings who will be in the line of fire but  I could only reach one of them.  We had a long talk.  We've all lived so long in the shadow of narcissism, tiptoeing around first our parents and now our siblings that the very idea of acting in a normal, natural way is foreign to us.  We're master strategizers - if I do this, what might happen?  Who's going to get hurt in the process?  Who's going to get the first call and how will the event be twisted and convoluted to make WWW look like the victim or the hero?  No wonder we're so emotionally exhausted!  Narcissists really do suck the life out of you.  I sent an email to my daughter, who lives near MW - I don't want to hurt her relationship with her cousin and his family - and this is certainly a possibility, since MW's job is to protect WWW and her FM's.   Sigh...  This is why I have to go NC - I really do want this nonsense out of my life.

Parenting with Fear and Trepidation

When my daughter was born, I was amazed at the fierceness with which I loved her immediately – I remember thinking that I wasn’t a pacifist after all, that if someone tried to hurt her, I would kill them.  It was so strong, so ferocious, so intense.  I’d spend hours just looking at her, astounded that I was now responsible for this beautiful, defenseless baby who was my daughter.  And I knew that I’d have to think through every single decision that I made about how to parent her – I wouldn’t be able to fall back on just doing what my Nparents had done.  It was terrifying!  It took almost a year for me to realize that the bond I had with my daughter was so strong that I would never do anything to purposefully hurt her, that I loved her so much that I’d never make her life about serving me or any siblings she might have, that I’d help her figure out life and encourage her to be herself and to do whatever work she felt called to do – in other words, I wouldn’t raise her like I had been raised.  One day, while I was looking at her while she slept (which she rarely did as a baby!), I just started crying and wondered how it was that NM had never felt this about me, how a child could be born from your body and you don’t just gasp with surprise at the love you feel for them instantly!  And I realized that I also had to be careful not to be jealous of my daughter because she had a mother who loved her fiercely, something I could only dream of.

When my son was born, the same thing happened - that intense, almost wild rush of love for this beautiful little boy who was my son, a child I’d protect with my own life.  I’d really wondered if this only happened with the first child, that maybe the wonder wouldn’t be as amazing with the second child– but it was!  He was slightly jaundiced and since he’d been born at home, our wonderful doctor advised us to put him in his cradle by a window with just his diaper on and the sun would do the work of correcting the problem – so that’s what we did and I’d just watch lie in bed and watch him breathing in the sunlight, so little, so cute, so mine.  Again I wondered how NM had missed this and I felt kind of bad for her – having a baby was this truly amazing and breathtaking experience and she seemed to have missed it all those times!! 

My NM wasn’t the grandmotherly type – she didn’t come to help with babies (to be fair, she had young children at home most of the time)  - but my mother-in-law was.  Sometimes she drove me crazy – she was depressed all her life and she had a hard time relating to my husband, but when you needed her, she was there.  She came to help with my daughter and I could see her fall in love with her instantly.  She came again when my son was born and she fell in love with him, too – it was so wonderful to watch – and she came yet again when my husband was out of town and my daughter and I were laid low with a nasty virus and my son was just a few months old.  My kids always loved spending time with these grandparents, who wanted to spoil them with toys and presents until we limited that – what my kids really wanted and needed was to spend time with grandparents who loved them.   I hope I’m that kind of grandmother someday!

Now for some good news!

Narcissism is kind of like a scab that you keep picking at until it bleeds – it’s time to take a break to focus on the good in life!!!  As you may have guessed if you’ve read the blog from its beginning a few days ago, my FOO is huge!  So I have 3 narcissists, 2 Winkies, and 3 Loving Siblings – with that math, I still have more loving siblings than most people I know!!!  

LS1 (by birth order) has been wonderfully supportive of my efforts to free myself from the dastardly narcissists in my FOO – she’s in the process of doing the same.  We talk, we cry, we regroup, we think it through again, we tell stories, we cry – and around it goes!  We went to our NM’s deathbed and it became very evident that we were indeed dealing with what we thought we had been dealing with – there were narcissists everywhere! When we went back to her home, we walked on the beach, we talked, we cried, we mulled, we laughed, we shopped, we read – and mostly we supported each other in the pain of realizing that this couldn’t go on, that we had to end it.  LS1 is a nurturing, caring, generous, creative, and honest person who had the bad luck of being singled out as the main scapegoat in a large and ridiculously dysfunctional FOO.  The family myth is that she is a drug addict (Who’s projecting here?) who chose to not be a part of the “family” (hereafter known as the Division).  What nonsense!!!  She’s no more a drug addict than I am – but it makes a good story if your adult child chooses to move to CA, a state that my family associates with a great-grandmother who left her husband and ran off with a jewelry salesman – that entire state is now tainted and one who goes there must necessarily be of bad moral character!!  My NM apparently kept this story going until she died – and that information came from my NM’s sister.  LS1 was the first one ousted from the Division – she was an easy target, being in CA and all.  I won’t go into the whole story here, but it involved people yelling and running down the street, a decrepit guitar, a letter on legal letterhead (WWW is married to a lawyer) threatening a law suit, and the stipulation that LS1 was not welcome at any family gatherings until the guitar was returned – which it was.  The story that I was told about the “incident” had none of those components – I got it direct from the mouth of WWW, so this is not a great surprise.  Unfortunately, I was then under the spell of the WWW and I believed her – oh, how sad that makes me!!!  But LS1 forgave me that and we became friends again.  She has kept her chosen family far away from the Division and has a wonderful, creative, intelligent and generally remarkable child, now a teenager with all sorts of gifts who is on his way to healthy independence.

LS2 (by birth order) went No Contact before it was cool!!!  Early on, he realized that Nparents were toxic to his chosen family, especially his children.  He limited time with Nparents more and more as the years went by and his children have grown up to be independent, strong, fun, creative adults who have started healthy, loving families of their own.  I have to admit that I tried to get LS2 to have more contact with MNF and NM and he was gracious and went with me to visit MNF before he died and he also honored W2’s request that he visit NM before she died.  He is an honorable man who is married to a completely remarkable woman. I wish I had followed his lead earlier and shut out the craziness.  LS2 was ousted from the Division by WWW and her FM’s with the help of MW at the time of MNF’s death.  (That is a mouthful of acronyms – sorry!!)  Apparently, when they were cleaning out MNF’s house after his death, LS2 got tired of being ordered around by WWW and her FM’s and said so.  Well this, as you know, is anathema to narcissists and WWW got on the phone to round up a bigger posse than she already had – she actually called LS1 and me, people she had already ousted, and tried to convince us that LS2 had been violently angry and she was terrified of him!!!  Imagine a witch being afraid of a mere mortal!!  Well, that didn’t work, but apparently she got the FM’s and MW onboard and that was all she really needed.  At NM’s deathbed, LS2 acted with dignity and restraint and made sure that his family was safe in the midst of chaos.  NM spoke to him long after she was supposed to have been beyond speaking, so WWW and her FM’s will try to make him pay for that – it’s only a matter of time, but LS2 has proved that he is able to deflect the incantations effectively!  (Update 6/16/2014- LS2's lovely wife died this year, and all kinds of Ntraits showed up in this sibling- his wife had told me that LS2 is a narcissist, but I was loathe to believe it. )
 

LS3 (by birth order) has somehow always been a target for WWW and her FM’s – she is the youngest and the family dysfunction hadn’t improved, certainly, over the years, but it’s hard to believe that children can be as horrifically brutal as these children were to their youngest sibling.  And nothing has changed – as middle-aged women, they are still brutal, nasty, vicious, cruel, and generally jealous of this wonderful sibling.  Who knows why?  Having been raised by Nparents (I almost said “wolves”), they were certainly not trained to be loving, giving, kind, and generous, but it does seem like their behavior is beyond the pale.  LS3 is a beautiful, gifted, creative woman who is currently an entrepreneur, successfully building a business and a life of her own.  She was in the midst of moving to our home state to help our NM transition into assisted living when the last stroke hit.  Now, you’d think that this would be a welcome relief to WWW who had been the primary caregiver for NM when she was living in a retirement community and who was going back to work temporarily because her successful lawyer spouse was apparently not bringing in enough money to support her in the style to which she has become accustomed (Ok, I can hear the bitterness in that statement, too…).  But NOOOOOOOOO – WWW and her FM’s actually made even this out to be an awful thing that LS3 was doing – how dare she come in and act like she was in charge?  How dare she write emails and help NM SKYPE to keep in contact with her children and make it look like SHE was the one taking care of NM when everyone knew it was really WWW who had given up her life (back of hand to forehead, please) to help her NM??  How dare she, indeed??? LS3 took a lot of flak and just kept on going – our little Energizer Bunny!!!  She saw what NM needed and was prepared to do what it took even if she was maligned in the process-and maligned she was.  MW chimed in with concern that LS3’s move would affect her job, etc. – a rather obvious move to support WWW without appearing to…  Oh, my – and then the deathbed, where blocking LS3 seemed to be the main game.  At one point, it looked like NM was going to live much longer than anticipated – there had been many predictions of “tonight,” “not much longer,” etc., and LS3 and I realized the NM probably needed a bath.  When I said this to MW, who is a nurse, she offered to go get someone to do this.  I didn’t understand why we needed someone else to bathe our NM when there were so many of us there, so MW asked for some supplies so that we could bathe her ourselves.  Well, you would have thought that we were going to show porno movies in the assisted living room.  WWW and her FM’s, who loved NM so much, ran from the room, acting completely disgusted and horrified – had I known this sooner, we could have bathed her every hour!!  LS3 and I bathed her, rubbed lotion into her poor, dry skin, rinsed her mouth, washed her hair and massaged her head.  She seemed to enjoy it (at this point she had no power of speech) and we enjoyed time with NM without WW and her FM’s hovering over us. (LS3 has gone NC with me - she is apparently upset that I'm in regular contact with LS1, with whom she had a disagreement.  It makes me sad, but I'm no longer letting sadness determine my interactions with the NFOO.)

So there you have it- my loving sibs and their families are a joy to me – and I haven’t yet shared with you the love and joy that I feel for my chosen family!!!  That will have to wait for another day – I’ve used up my writing time today and have to get back to my regular life, which is getting progressively more free and less anxiety-ridden as I live without contact with my woefully narcissist siblings.

Update 6/16/2014 - as you can see from the updates, there isn't quite as much joy as I had then thought - at least, not from this source!  I am no longer in contact with either LS2 or LS3 - I'm not officially NC, but I'm not taking the initiative to contact them.

Who can I trust?

This quote is from The ONE YOU FEED, 2/22/2010 – the blog address is on my sidebar.

"Narcissists consider their interactions with others as a game; a game they will likely win if you play along. One of the key elements in their communication technique is to keep others on the defensive. They do this by gleaning information from us and storing it for future use. Even the most seemingly benign information can and will be used against you."

So I’ve been aware of the game for a while, but now that I’ve gone NO CONTACT with WWW and her FM’s, I really have to consider the Winkies and their role in the game.  I’m pretty sure that Main Winkie cannot keep information private – she has a LOT invested in these women and sees herself as their protector from the EVIL FORCES of the Ousted siblings – and apparently continues to resist the knowledge that the WWW and her FM’s are the ones who did the ousting.  In her mind, we are self-ousted! She also has really bought into Loving Brother being a force for evil – the WWW and her FM’s really worked that one at the death of MNF – but as a result, WWW got all the good stuff, which seems to be one of the primary goals.  MW often says that her husband considers her naïve – and I think that she wants to appear naïve so as not to look at reality.  Is that possible?  That you keep YOURSELF in the dark on purpose? (Like I did for ages!)  So my plan has been to give MW only happy, happy information – life is GREAT, I’m having FUN and SEEING LOTS OF EXCITING THINGS – that sort of thing.  I’ve always thought of MW as Pollyanna – she wants so badly to ignore what’s going on in the FOO that she tries to re-direct everyone to the GOOD.  But according to the quote above, ALL information can be used against you.  ALL.  So where does that leave me with MW?  How much of my life can I share with her?  How much will have to be given to WWW as narcissistic supply?  Information in my FOO is like gold – we’re commodities traders – the one with the most information wins!  For a while, I thought of WWW as the switchboard operator in the FOO (That’ll give you some idea of my age!!) – she’s the one who collects information.  But the analogy wasn’t quite right because, unlike a telephone operator, she twists and and transforms the information to feed her need for gossip, slander, and deception.  I hate to lose what contact I have with MW – I’d like to think that’s she’s an innocent caught in the clutches of WWW – like the Winkie guards, doing the bidding of the Wicked Witch of the West, but longing to be free of it all.  I’m just not sure that I can think that way about her anymore – knowledge may make you free, but it sure does mess with your life in the meantime.  She knows that I am NC with WWW and her FM’s, but just a few days ago, she told one of the FM’s to email me about prayer cards from our mother’s funeral.  AACK!!!  Apparently, she believes in her little naïve way that NC only means no physical contact – do I bother to have that conversation with her again or do I sever contact with her as well?  AACK!!!!  I hate narcissism!!!

The other Winkie is a brother I love – but I’m not sure that I can trust him not to provide narcissist supply to one of the FM’s.  He tends to believe the gossip of the FM's and although he is getting counseling and is growing by leaps and bounds, his behavior at NM’s deathbed was disconcerting.  He apparently bought into our-mother-may-be-dying-but-she’s-really-only-WWW’s-and-FM’s-mother-so-would-you-please-focus-on-them?  There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the midst of glaring and hostility and W2 saw his job as offering comfort to the N’s instead of dealing with his own grief.  And WWW and her FM’s were very clear that only THEIR grief was valid, that they were suffering so much more than anyone else, and that only THEY should be at NM’s side since she really loved only them.  And W2 bought the whole package – and supersized it!  And having said that, I can’t tell you the pain that even the thought of losing a relationship with this brother brings.  We’ve shared so much of our lives, we talk on the phone a lot, email each other, SKYPE, and I’ve always felt that he had my back – but even given that, I’m still not sure that he’ll able to keep any information from one of the FM’s.  I’m assuming, given what others have written on their blogs, that WWW and her FM’s are going to get worse now that the second parent has died.  I’m also assuming that my going NC is going to up the ante and that the pressure to provide narcissistic supply will increase dramatically (pun intended).  Can he resist?  He’s coming for a visit soon with his  fiancée and we’ll talk then – I feel like I need to see his face when I ask if he can do this.  Please, please, please let the honest answer be “Yes!”

Far from FOO - but not far enough

I don’t live near my FOO – well, my FOO is scattered all over the country and the world, but I left my home state years ago to get away from the nonsense perpetrated by my Nparents and the WWW (I didn’t know about the FM’s at that point, although I suspected that there was involvement of other sibs).  I left with my chosen family to create a new life far from the craziness that was becoming increasing obvious in my generation.  But you just can’t get far enough away from this idiocy.  Holidays and family events just sucked the life out of me.  A strange thing used to happen to me at these gatherings.  I’d start out strong and as the day wore on, I’d find myself getting weaker and weaker, not just emotionally but physically – I knew I had to leave, that I was fading, but I couldn’t make myself get up and go!   I started setting time limits on FOO visits – early on, before children, I had decided that I couldn’t spend the night in my Nparent’s home – it just brought back too much awfulness and the awfulness of the present was quite enough…  Then I set a 5 hour limit, but that became too much, so eventually it had to be set at 3 hours – that was the absolute limit to the amount of time I could spend with my FOO.  My husband’s job (God love him!) was to alert me when the time was getting close because I’d have to really gear up to get out.  My husband’s family lived only a few miles from my Nparents and although the Nparents aren’t big fans of me and my chosen family, they hated to think that we were going to my husband’s family, that his family was being chosen over them, so leaving was a huge effort with a lot of negotiating and pathetic looks from my NM. 

Part of the reason that the visits were so stressful (not that having 3-5 narcissists in the room wasn’t stressful enough) was that my parents didn’t like my children.  In actuality, I don’t think my parents liked ANY children, but my job was to protect mine.  I once walked into the living room to hear my father saying to my 3-year-old son, “You think you’re so smart.  Well you’re not – you’re not so smart.”  I picked up my son and glared at my father, who started telling me that my son thought he was so smart.  I said, “Dad, he’s THREE.  What are you doing?”  It turned out that a family friend’s teenager had taught my son to spell his name backwards and my son was showing his grandfather what he could do, which I thought was hilarious, but apparently MNF felt threatened by a 3-year-old being able to do this.  That was the last time my MNF was ever alone in a room with either of my children.  I can remember my MNF saying the same sorts of thing to me and to my siblings when we were young – what a guy, huh??

Before I knew about narcissism and before I had set HUGE boundaries around my children with my Nparents, my husband and I went on a short cruise.  For 2 days of that time, our children stayed with my Nparents – I know, what was I thinking? So, my son was about 2 and when we got back, I discovered that my NM had taken away his pacifier, deciding that he was too old to have it – so here is a child whose parents are gone, he’s staying with his grandparents, and they take away the thing he uses to comfort himself!  My NM was so proud of herself!  She told me in that stiff-backed, tight-lipped way that she had that she had weaned my son from that disgusting habit.  AACK!!!  Needless to say, our son got his Nooky back and he was sooooo happy! 

After we moved to another state, my husband’s mother came to visit and had a massive stroke.  She lived with us for a while, got much better, and then had a series of strokes that eventually killed her.  When she died, my daughter looked at me sadly and said, “Now we don’t have any grandparents left.”  It broke my heart because my Nparents were still alive.  I tried to console her, saying that she did still have grandparents,  that my parents were still alive, and she gave me the look she always gives me when she thinks I’m talking nonsense.  She was right, of course.

Narcissists need the best of everything

I’ve been reading other blogs about narcissism and I’ve noticed something wonderful – there seems to be an endpoint, a point at which the blogger realizes that this issue has been resolved in his/her life and it’s time to go on to do something else.  I hope, hope, hope, hope that this will happen for me!!! 

One of the topics that comes up over and over again on the blogs is the narcissist’s need to have the newest, latest, best things.  My MNF used the expression “best damn” a lot – he bought the “best damn bread” in one place and the “best damn bratwurst” in another place, he had the “best damn grill” and he sold the “best damn water pumps.”  Needless to say, this has been a goldmine for jokes in the family – my loving brother has done a number of “best damn” tours of the area where we grew up – and we reap the results as we get packages of cheese, bratwurst, hot dogs, etc.

 My NM died recently and the WWW and her FM’s were in great form – crying hysterically while grabbing everything that they wanted.  The Main Winkie had set up a “fair” system – after the WWW and the FM’s had what they wanted, the rest of us could choose what was left over – actually, what was going to be taken to Good Will – it turns out that the WWW and FM’s actually went through the things that we’d chosen from the Good Will pile and got to pick from those again as well!!  It was amazing – NM’s jewelry was distributed in the same way – first, the “sisters” (yes, she actually said that, meaning only the WWW and the FM’s) each got a set of pearls and the rest of us got to pick after they had gone through everything.  But the saddest part was that one of my loving sisters really did want some things to remind her of NM and when she went to choose, everything was either on the lists of the WWW, the FM’s or the Main Winkie or was in the WWW’s basement.  When she asked for anything, it was already gone.  She finally asked for some pictures of our grandparents that weren’t on anyone’s list.  Turns out they were in the WWW’s basement.  The Main Winkie, unwilling to confront the WWW about the pictures, gave up a desk that had been on her list.  Well, the end result, of course, was that the WWW and FM’s lied to other family members and said that the loving sister had forced MW to give up the desk and that loving sister wanted EVERYTHING.   It was so sad, but the end result may be that this loving sister may now see the futility of only being WWW’s narcissistic supply and stop being hurt by this witch and her FM’s.

Winkies Make Me Sad

I found this on another blog and went to the original source, which is www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com.  The article is entitled "Immunizing Yourself against Narcissistic Verbal Attacks."  I encourage you to read the entire article (the site is listed on the panel at the right since I follow this blog by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.), but here is the part I was especially interested in, since it so succinctly describes flying monkeys:

Don't be surprised at the number of people who follow and are true believers of narcissists. They crave being a member of the inner circle even if they are infrequently thrown crumbs or are honored to kiss the ring of the anointed.They have thrown away their identities, strapped themselves to the narcissist for the E ticket ride. They will do anything to be identified with this person. They believe that he or she is a good human being because of outside trappings and the wielding of power over others.

Wow - that's an excellent description of the FM's in my life, especially the part about being willing to do anything to be identified with this person.  Anything.  Really.  Anything.  I think I really do get this now - anything.

More bothersome to me is this paragraph - I really do have the first part about the narcissist - it's the part about the Winkies that makes me sad...

If you have a narcissistic parent you have been through the wars of childhood and prevailed. I am not downplaying the horrendous suffering you have been through. It is incalculable. It often occurs into adulthood. When you know that your parent(s) is a narcissist you have a number of decisions to make. You can control your contact with them despite their protestations and accusations and their spreading gossip and lies about your character. Anyone who doesn't see through these machinations is not going to be someone whom you can rely on or trust. Sometimes good people are fooled by these cunning method actors. Sometimes relatives who took the bait, see the truth and turn around. But you cannot wait for what they might do.

I have two siblings who fit into the category of Winkies - those who protect the WWW and her FM's.  Neither of them can see what the Three Weird Sisters do to those who have been Ousted - in fact, the Main Winkie, my eldest sister, accuses us of lying when the WWW's fabrication differs from what we truthfully say happened.  (This is done without checking with the Ousted One about what happened - WWW is believed without any evidence at all, which his how she's managed to oust people from the family so efficiently.)  The other Winkie has had a trauma bond with one of the FM's since childhood - when I suggested to him years ago that this FM is seriously depressed and that perhaps he should talk to her since she might listen to him, he was surprised even though it was common knowledge in the family - this FM's depression is ever so evident.  He's a little obtuse generally and spent the time at our mother's deathbed consoling the always hysterical WWW and her FM's.  I would HATE to lose these relationships - really hate it.  But I'm beginning to see that the whole purpose of being a Winkie is to keep the status quo and to make sure that you are not a target.  Since information is traded like gold in our FOO, I'm really concerned that the WWW and flying monkeys will get information through the Winkies - information that I no long want them to be privy to...  This makes me want to cry...

How they operate

OK, so I have to admit that I put that first post out there and waited fearfully for the world to blow up.   I've lived for a long time with this fear whispering in my ear that the WWW and her flying monkeys have spies everywhere and that whatever I do can become fodder for the rumoring and lying and gossiping that they are masters of.  Not so strangely, my NF always told us that he knew everything we did - we did live in a small town, so it wasn't terribly far from the truth - the thing about narcissists is, they always say enough of the truth to get you hooked into believing the whole lie. 

I've been thinking a lot about how my Family Of Origin (FOO) operates - there are basically two families - those ousted by the WWW and the FM's and those still in the fold.  When the Main Winkie talks to those of the ousted class, she always says that we're dissing "the family" - as if we weren't IN the family.  (And when did "dissing" become a word that adults use in serious conversations?)  I think it's time that the Ousted (not a particularly pleasant term) started using "the family" to mean our very selves - a couple of us have given some thought to what we will call the Others-formerly-known-as-family, and we're thinking of some foreign name - although we hate to "diss" any of our international friends.  I think it's hysterical that a synonym for family is "division."  Maybe we should use that!  I know that it's a business term, but this family is serious business...  I'll have to run that by my loving sibs.  If you have any other ideas, please put them in the comments.

There is peace in this - and I'm sure that, like others once held as emotional hostages by their FOO's, I will eventually relax into my life, no longer worried about the WWW and her FM's and what new lies they've thought up to spread disention.  The stories are legion - while my mother way lying in a hospital bed after a stroke, the WWW wanted to rage at one of my loving sibs - the loving sib didn't think the hospital room was an appropriate place to have this discussion, so she said no.  At that point, the WWW threatened to do this in front of my ill mother if the loving sib wouldn't go out in the hall with her.  At this point, the loving sib went out into the hall - of course, there was a FM with the WWW, and the loving sib decided to use her cell phone to avoid looking at the WWW and her FM's - for some reason, the glaring and hateful looks are an integral part of these crazy rants.  After the WWW and the FM had vomited anger all over the loving sib, they accused her of recording the "conversation" on her cell phone and insisted that she delete it.  Now I ask you, if you had a normal conversation with someone, would you really care that much if they recorded it?  And of course the loving sib had not recorded it - it was just the paranoia of the narcissist.  This was reported to the Main Winkie, who called the loving sib and accused her of lying.  That's it in a rather large nutshell - try to avoid disention and chaos and you're accused of lying.  And I really hadn't considered that the Main Winkie is a part of the process - this has taken me up a bit short.  I really have to consider how much information the MW can have about my life - I'm being very careful now to only talk with her about the things in my life that are fun and exciting.  Anything else has to be carefully guarded - one whiff of vulnerability and the flying monkeys are on their way!!!

Update 6/16/2014 - The LS1 referred to in this post is not what she had seemed.  She's a sibling scapegoat who is apparently pretty conflicted about how she wants to fit into family dynamics.  Since she is NC with another LS with whom I have a good relationship, she is no longer speaking with me, apparently.  Since I'm no longer attempting contact with those who seem to not want contact, I have done nothing about this.  It makes me sad, but sadness no longer dictates what I do within the NFOO.  

Living in Oz

I am an adult child of narcissistic parents - I'm soooo adult that I should have written this blog years and years ago, but here I am now, finally at the point of going No Contact with my Three Weird Sisters (The Wicked Witch of the West and her 2 flying monkeys) and wondering how I can manage to have good boundaries in my relationships with the Winkies in the family (protectors of the WWW and the flying monkeys).  Thankfully, I have a couple of wonderful siblings who have my back and with whom I can share my entire life - God is good!  I love The Wizard of Oz, especially since I read a most wonderful post on psychforums that I'd like to share with you:
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic64338.html

This site is a bit difficult to get to, so here is bulk of the post - sorry it's a bit long!  I've edited it to eliminate anything that isn't a reference to The Wizard of OZ. 

Thoughts on *The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists*

by okerry » Sat May 14, 2011 6:31 pm

I do know that there is a book called *The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists*, but IMHO the author really missed the mark on identifying the NPD in that particular story.

The following is just something I thought of while watching *The Wizard of Oz* yet again, while struggling to understand what on earth happened to my NPD ex-husband who had once been such a good man and loving father.

As most people know, the condition of narcissism is named for a character in a Greek myth, Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflected image in a pool and pined away for it until he died. This has led to the idea that narcissists love only themselves, but that’s not exactly what the story means.

Because he was so empty on the inside, Narcissus only existed when he saw himself reflected somewhere else. And that’s how someone with the condition called “narcissism” goes through life: An empty hole on the inside, with no sense of self-worth or self-validation to make them feel whole and human and good. At some point, possibly in response to some loss or trauma or pain, they stopped looking inward to create those things (that takes work) and indeed cut that off completely so that 100% of their validation comes from the outside - from other people (because that seems so much easier and so much more rewarding, the way it's always easier to use a drug to get a quick fix of whatever you're looking for.)

But of course no other person can give them what every human really needs - which is self-worth and self-validation and self-respect - and so narcissists spend their lives as bottomless pits for attention, admiration and validation. And they only end up more and more and more empty, because that sort of pit cannot be filled from the outside. It can only be filled from within.

In *The Wizard of Oz*, our famous four characters search for the things which every human needs: A brain, a heart, courage, and a home. But just like the narcissist, they make the mistake of searching for others who will supply those things instead of looking within themselves and finding what they need on the inside.

The Munchkins represent well-meaning friends who actually encourage the narcissist to search outwardly instead of inwardly. “Follow the yellow brick road!” they say, because the yellow brick road leads you to the someone who, the Munchkins believe, can give you what you seek – namely, it leads to the Wizard.

Glinda the Good represents a true friend who wants to help but knows she cannot, because she understands that she cannot give the characters what they seek and no one else can, either.

The Wicked Witch represents full-blown narcissism run rampant. She is surrounded by evil, misshapen characters like the Flying Monkeys who try to bring her what she wants – namely, attention and admiration that she has not earned – and by thralls, the Winkie Guards, who are enslaved by her cruelty but don’t know how to break free of her.

In the end, the Wicked Witch is vanquished by simply washing her away with honesty and courage. And then the Flying Monkeys are gone and we see that the Guards were not really loyal to her at all.

The Wizard is a fraud, of course, because no one can give you what you must create and nurture from the inside – courage, wisdom and love.

Glinda finally tells Dorothy that she had the power to go home all the time. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Dorothy cries, and Glinda says, “Because you would not have believed me. You had to learn it for yourself.”

And so they did. As we all do.

NPDs spend their lives looking for love and validation from Flying Monkeys and enslaved thralls - who have the power to destroy you and will not care if they do - instead of the NPDs using their own power to simply go home.

In this story, "home" is the place *within yourself* where you will have all the intelligence, love and courage you ever wanted or needed - including people who will love you simply for yourself, as Auntie Em and Uncle Henry and all the other "real" characters loved Dorothy.

That's why there's no place like home.

The Witch wanted the Ruby Slippers, but they were unobtainable for her. That's because the Ruby Slippers represent Home and you must make your own Home - you cannot just take someone else's and expect their home to be yours.

And of course the Flying Monkeys represent the enablers, sycophants, lackeys, toadys, groupies and hangers-on that powerful narcissists and other addicts virtually always attract. The Monkeys are pathetic, unnatural creatures who exist on the crumbs and leftovers of the narcissist but really care nothing for him, because if he's gone they'll just attach themselves to someone else.

I looked at some excerpts from *The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.* The author seems to feel that the Wizard himself represents an NPD.

But the story didn't strike me that way at all.

As I mentioned above, it's our four main characters who represent the NPDs because they're the ones looking for others to supply them with what they need instead of looking inward to find it. And the Wicked Witch represents NPD run rampant at its most destructive.

But the Wizard - now, think about it:

The Wizard is first shown as nothing but an ugly and very angry face, shouting and growling and erupting in fire and fury, living as a recluse and trying to get rid of all these NPDs who keep trying to Get Things From Him.

He's not trying to get anything from anybody. He hides from everyone and tries to get them to leave him alone. He clearly looks to be angry, lonely and suffering.

"GO AWAY!"

"I was hoping the Wicked Witch would kill you and I would never see you again."

"PAY NO ATTENTION to the man behind the curtain!"

No NPD would EVER say such things. They live for constant attention and emotional feeding from others. They are the polar opposite of the Wizard.

To me, the Wizard represents the spouses and adult children of all the charming, sweet-talking, innocent-looking NPDs who have been tormenting them to death for years. There is a lot of talk about “narcissistic rage” from the NPD, but I can tell you that the NPD’s victims often find themselves literally raging and screaming from the extreme frustration and agony of being used as a drug instead of treated like a real human being.

Finally, when the Wizard's true form is revealed as a gentle and quite ordinary man - who is a fraud only in the sense that he cannot give the NPDs what they want any more than anyone else can - he is able to get the NPDs to look inside for what they want, and then he is able to get free of them and go home himself.

It's left to Glinda to help Dorothy with the biggest hurdle of all - understanding where Home really is.

I don't think the Wizard represents a full-blown Narcissist at all. That's The Wicked Witch. The angry, hideous, reclusive and lonely Wizard represents the NPD's tormented and isolated victims.

I was thinking about where Toto figures in the story. I think that because Toto is an animal - a normal, natural animal, not a fantasy creature like the Lion - he therefore represents the kind of innocence and purity of spirit that can never be contaminated by narcissism. He can neither be one nor respond to one.

It is in protecting Toto that Dorothy finds the courage to destroy the Wicked Witch, and it is Toto who reveals that the angry, blustering, supernatural-looking wizard is also a "real" creature who should be treated as such - not merely used as a source of supply for NPDs, which is what left him raging, suffering and reclusive.

When the innocent Toto pulls back the curtain, the Wizard can finally respond to the NPDs as his real self and *then* he is able to get free of them - presumably to go back to a normal, natural world.

The only place where the metaphor doesn't quite hold, IMHO, is that the Wizard actually *is* able to turn around the behaviour of the NPDs simply by pointing out their own positive traits to them and showing them that they didn’t have to go looking for what they needed from someone else – that they would find they had brains, love and courage all along if they would only look within instead of demanding these things from others.

Now, I know that the Wizard of Oz isn't specifically about narcissists and their ilk, but goodness, Baum must have had some personal experience with them since he got it so right!   

My mother died recently and the WWW and her FM's created so much havoc, delivered unto the rest of us so many histrionic scenes, and fostered so much bad feeling with their jealousies, gossip and lying that I've finally decided that I am finished.  I will no longer have any contact with them - I've blocked them from my email, unfriended them on Facebook, and will not answer any sort of correspondence from them.  I have gone NO CONTACT.   I now have to make sure that the Winkies will not share information about my life with them, either - if they will agree to that and I am convinced that they are onboard, I will give them snippets of my life and wait to see the results.  If they can be trusted with those, I will give more - but only as long as I feel that I can trust them.  I really do want my life to be uncomplicated by histrionics.  Period.