Time to say good-bye

Dear Friends, it's time to say good-bye.  I won't be posting on this blog anymore, although I will keep it up.  I feel like I've dealt with most of the direct issues of having been raised by N's and having Nsibs.  It seems like some issues just go on and on, however - in an effort not to marry an angry, violent man like my Nfather, I married an angry, emotionally punishing man who resembles my Nmother more than I like to think about...   He is in care now, since he also has Parkinson's and Parkinson's dementia - with that in addition to his diagnosed Attachment Disorder (Yes, yet another personality disordered person...), I really can't take care of him anymore.  He can't listen to me, so I can't keep him safe.

I've spent the past year learning how to be a Non-care-giver (I think this is a new moniker for those of us who've taken care of personality disordered folks our whole lives.)  and I'm not finished yet - I had a moment this week when I actually considered taking him home - I miss my kids soooooo much and I really would like to be closer to them, or at least on the same continent.  My loving sister spent hours with me doing an intervention of sorts, and kept me from behaving recklessly and endangering my mental health yet again.  I'm so grateful for her!

So I'm starting a new blog - livingwithanattachmentdisorderedhusband.blogspot.com.  You're welcome to visit me there!  This is the poem I wrote for the first post:

Love's Last Gasp

I mourn us daily

I grieve the love I gave without return

Spill-over sadness rolls down my cheeks

As I try to check the pain that threatens to take my breath away.

                                                                                   

I ache for a touch

For tenderness and talk of love

The loneliness eats away at my soul

I moan and gasp for enough air to breathe just once more.

Long years of silence

Stingy crumbs dropped at a banquet

Need inspiring mad fury, flashing eyes,

More silence that sucks up all the air, love's last gasp.

I've decided that I'm not ready for a new blog yet - soon, soon, I hope...