In a competition for the most narcissistic family, the winner is...

Sometimes I wonder if maybe, after all, I DO have the oddest, most narcissistic family in the whole world!  I know that being from a large dysfunctional family makes the odds of having more narcissistic siblings greater and the fact that both of my parents were narcissists probably ups the odds some more - but come on!   I don't want to be one of those people who believe that there's a narcissist behind every tree, but it's looking more and more like 4 of my 8 siblings are narcissists - the WWW and her Flying Monkeys are a no-brainer call.  My eldest sibling, the one who claims that she's naive (at 65) and just doesn't understand why we can't all just get along, and who pretends to be trying to make peace between the siblings, is constantly accusing the loving siblings and other border people of lying if they say anything different than the WWW and her minions have decided is the truth - and you know what they say about narcissists - if their lips are moving, they're lying!  I'm sooooooo tired of hearing this nonsense - it just goes on and on, like most narcissistic melodrama. One of my brothers is getting married next summer and I thought I'd greet the N's and move on, but I think I'm ready to just flat out move on - no pleasantries, no smiles, no words or  contact at all - these women are absolutely nuts.  The less I have to do with them, the better.  They're not going to change, so I may as well do what's best for me - and that's absolutely No Contact - ever - no matter what - no matter where - No. Contact.  Ever. 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

When I think about boundaries, I always think about the realty slogan:  Location, location, location!For those us raised by Nparents who continue to deal with Nsiblings, it's Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!  It's absolutely amazing to me on a daily basis how little protection I've provided for myself throughout most of my life - and yes, I know that I was conditioned since infancy to leave myself wide open for the benefit of narcissists and their ilk.  And I'm learning - I have much better boundaries than I've ever had in my life - but there's more work to do and I wonder if, like Frost's wall, they will always need repair.  I imagine that's so....

 I started with "Hmmmmmm" when someone said something that made me want to grab them and shake them - it gave me time to think, kept my mouth closed, and normally stopped the other person from continuing.  But now that I no longer feel it necessary to keep my mouth closed, it's less useful.  It does still give me a moment to think, which I still need often when someone crosses every boundary I've erected.  But now I have more "one-liners" to use - I wonder why you would say that to me; How very rude; Why in the world do you think you need to know that?; That's none of your damn business; That's information I share only with my dearest loved ones.  None of this is for use with WWW and her Flying Monkeys - silence is my boundary with them.  This is for the Border People, those people I have not chosen to trust completely, those siblings who may well use information provided them to provide Nsupply to the WWW and her Flying Monkeys.  Border people include others who abuse me or betray my trust.  Why did I believe that I had to be completely honest with people I can't really trust?  What a strange non-boundary. 

So what I have so far is this - High, solid brick and mortar walls for the WWW and the Flying Monkeys; High stone walls for the Border People - if they show themselves worthy, one level of stones can be removed but kept close at hand in case it needs to be replaced; Lower stone walls for the trusted siblings and true friends so that we can talk over them, hug each other and help each other while not invading each other's identity.

"Something there is that does not love a wall" suddenly sounds ominous!!

Day to day

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

When the chips are down...

NFOOS are truly horrible places to have been raised.  Just when you need them most, N's and their ilk disappear or appear in the guise of abuser or some other role that isn't what you need at all.  What, for instance, would a person need if they've just had to put their 15-year-old dog down? Let's make this a little quiz.  Find the N responses - and also the responses of truly loving siblings. 

What to do when a sibling's very old and very loved dog dies:

     a. Respond on Facebook with(((((Hugs)))))).  Follow up with an ecard that says((((((Hugs))))))).

     b.  Call  and express your sadness and talk about the dog in loving terms; follow up with emails during the following week, asking how your sib is doing.

     c.  Write an email expressing your sadness "that this happened to you' and then write extensively about how your son's dog died while you were taking care of him and how overwhelmingly sad you feel and you can't stop crying.

     d.  Write a number of emails, telling stories about the dog and asking how your sib is doing.

And the really awful sibs don't even know this happened because I'm No Contact with them.  I'm really thinking I may have to restrict contact with more of my sibs...  AACK.  I've learned not to expect a lot from most of my siblings, but honestly...  It's a good thing I started with a lot of them because they're dropping like flies as I figure out how to live my life without all the nonsense associated with this character disorder.   I'm really down to 2 brothers and 2 sisters (one of whom is a wonderful and caring sister-in-law).   But it still makes me sad...