A fish out of water

I went to a party last night and felt totally and completely out of place.  I did get to visit with some people I haven't seen in a while, I love the hostess, AND I didn't get spotted as supply - hurrah! - but I also felt like a fish out of water.  This morning, I thought that going to a party to meet other introverts is a bit like going to a bar to meet men and then ending up married to an alcoholic and wondering why...  I have to find a way to meet people that doesn't involve large groups of them mingling with a drink in their hands - not that I don't have the occasional beer or glass of wine,mind you.  But this sort of social venue just no longer appeals to me.  I enjoy seeing people one-on-one or in small groups - but that doesn't lead to meeting new folks.  I'm in a Bible study and I go to a shop to weave with other women, but I think I need something more - maybe a book club or a class.  I'm discovering that I love all kinds of arts - I took a black ceramics class and it was great  and I'd like to take a glass making class and maybe a wool dying class... 

I think I'm feeling a bit lost right now because a good friend is heading back to the US for 6 months and I'm going to miss her a lot - we love a lot of the same kinds of things and it's been fun getting to know her and spend time with her.  I tend toward having only 2-3 good friends with whom I can talk about anything, and I live in a place that is somewhat transient, so I find myself having to start over periodically...  It's distressing.  This friend is coming back to live here permanently, so I'm a bit surprised by my strong reaction to her leaving.  Sigh...  I'm going to miss her a lot. 

Community here and there

I love the country I was born in and I love the country in which I'm living currently.  Here, there isn't that strange American sense of being a Lone Ranger, a self-made man/woman, an INDIVIDUAL at all costs.  There really is community here - is it perfect? No.  Is it wonderful to watch people interact? Yes.  Family is paramount here - young adults live with their parents, usually, until they marry - and if they divorce, they move back in!  (Mostly this is the fault of the economy, which makes it almost impossible to live alone here.)  Older people are respected,for the most part - that's lovely.  Kids are treated like kids and not extensions of their parents or little adults - mostly.  People are kind to one another - when we lived near the edge of our city, we had a lovely house and a beautiful yard - and a HUGE electric bill - none of our local friends could understand why our bill was so high - finally, our landlady,who had been paying the bill, explained that she just couldn't cover it anymore, so she lowered the rent and had us pay the bill. Finally, one of our friends thought to check the electric meter - and it was spinning around really fast.  He had me turn off everything in the house - I unplugged the fridge, the stove, the toaster - everything.  The meter was still spinning like crazy - and our upstairs neighbor's wasn't moving at all!  Now, the upstairs neighbor was our landlord's brother.  You can only imagine what might have happened in the States - but the landlord and landlady went and talked to the brother, who apologized.  The landlady and I went over the electric  bills and we agreed on a sum that we shouldn't have paid and she reimbursed us - and she kept the rent lower by way of apology.  They both continued to treat the brother with kindness and love - he wasn't some renegade that they had to cope with - he was a brother who was going through a hard time and hadn't felt that he could talk to his brother about it - and he thought the brother was paying the bill.  He  had no idea that we were paying it. As far as I know, this wasn't a pattern since they were as shocked as we were - but even though they were angry, they talked with him gently, accepted his apology, resolved the issue with us, and continue to love him.  He is, after all, family.

Now, I'm not extrapolating that out to having to accept Nbehavior from NFOO's.  No, I'm not.  But I think that sometimes Americans are TOO all about their rights and their anger and their revenge and not enough about real community, where you accept that people make mistakes periodically and you don't have to demonize them for it.  You can talk to them gently about it, forgive them if they apologize, and go on loving them, knowing that when you act the fool, they'll remember and forgive you as well.  And you certainly don't have to round up a posse and go after them, hunt them down and annihilate them! 

Did I say that I like it here?

Beating a dead horse

It's sad, but I've begun to really hate the word "community".  LS1 claims (and I do believe that it's true) that when N's use the word "community", they mean "those who can do something for me."  And when non-N's use the word, they often mean "those for whom I can do something."  Hmmmm...  I've become less and less trusting of the ACoN online community - there's waaaaaaaay too much bullying, sniping, name-calling, badgering, and general Nbehavior and a disconcerting amount of people pleasing.  I'm back to just blogging, using this method of journaling my progress and not following other blogs except two or three, those of people I feel that I can trust and who want to live their lives peacefully, and who are willing to monitor their comments to keep the bullies out.  The name of my blog is, after all, "No More Flying Monkeys" and that is exactly what I want in my life.  Today, I'm going to go through all the blogs that I follow and get rid of most of them.  I feel like I'm making good progress in understanding the catastrophe that was my life and moving on to healthy, happy living.  If those I love get into a kerfuffle, then I must be involved - but this idiocy I really don't want in my life anymore.  Another healthy decision - hurrah!!! 

Hope and a future

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

I love this verse - it gives me such hope!  For a lot of my life, I had a good bit of difficulty relating to God as "father" - with an Nfather like mine, certainly understandable.  Nfather (and Nmother)  did NOT have plans to prosper me and did immeasurable harm in my life.  Looking back, I see that although I believed firmly in God, it was difficult for me to trust Him - again, experience had taught me that authority figures of any sort mean only to get their way by bullying and badgering until you finally just give up and give in.  Don't get me wrong -  I did experience God's love and care in myriad ways -  but I never fully trusted that,  I was rarely at peace in that.   But now, there has been some sort of shift in the universe - the freedom that I feel, the peace even in the midst of life difficulties, frees me to feel hope  and to look forward to what lies ahead! 

Did That Really Happen?

One of the things that happens in so many Nfamilies is that after the N has done his/her thing, be that raging, beating on someone, subjecting someone to their sarcastic teasing, etc., they just go on as if nothing happened.  No apology, no obvious feeling of shame, no discussing what happened - it's just "forgotten" - yeah, right. Other family members are scared out of their minds and are now doubly watchful, but the N just pretends that it never happened - and expects you to do the same.  I don't wish to beat a dead horse, but that appears to be what's happening on some of the ACoN blogs -well, the first part happened, too - lots of raging, lots of emotionally beating up on people, lots of sarcastic joking., then writing sweet comments on blogs as if none of their behavior ever happened - or worse, that it was OK to behave that way in ANY setting!! It's all eerily familiar.  I don't know these people so I don't really care if they figure it out, but like all Nbehavior, I intend to stay far away from it.  I'm at the point in my recovery from Nnonsense that I really can't afford to give people the benefit of the doubt right now - if it looks like a narcissist, walks like a narcissist, and talks like a narcissist, I'm gone!!!  I've been suckered too often - giving the benefit of the doubt has gotten me into serious trouble emotionally and I'm not going there again. Maybe never- I hope that at some point I can wait a bit longer before heading for the hills, but for now, I'm saddled up and ready to ride!!! 

The Truth did set me free!!!

Boundaries are such amazing things -  who knew? It's so good to know "my place" in the world - not in a put-yourself-down-and-who-do-you-think-you-are? kind of way, but in a good way - I belong here, I live here, I like it here and I'm going to share my life with people who love me or at least like me a lot!  I'm NC with my Nsiblings and I no longer feel that I have to have anything to do with mean people of any sort, narcissists or not.  This is HUGE for me!  My people pleasing tendencies, ingrained since probably the day after I was born (Nmother was probably too drugged to manage my training any earlier than that!), are disappearing.  I don't care if most of the world likes me or not,  I don't want nasty people to like me or to have anything to do with me, and I'm very happy to spend a lot of time alone - all of these things are relatively new to me.  I really don't care what my Nsiblings are saying about me, I don't care what the nasty bloggers are saying about me - it has nothing to do with me and I'm glad to be NC with the nasty people of the world!  Life would have been sooooooo much easier had I known this sooner, but now that I know, I'm free!!!  The Truth DID make me free - hurrah!!!

There are more WWW's and Flying Monkeys in the World than I'd like to Believe!

The latest ACoN blog kerfuffle has been a real eye-opener for me- it felt exactly like the WWW and her Flying Monkeys - if your feelings get hurt, even in the teeniest way, scream bloody murder, round up a posse and oust someone from the "family" or group!  It's been amazing to watch - and it's made me ever so happy that I've never gone public with this blog - nor will I ever!  I think ACoN blogs really do attract N's - and ACoN's who haven't matured enough in their healing to keep from acting N-like at least part of the time.  There was a lot of fuss about what Charity did, but Charity was a new member of the ACoN blogging community; this last business was the work of someone who's been at this a while.  That should be scary to me, but it's mostly just annoying.  I'm working hard at "getting" this, at figuring out how to be in the world now that I've learned some remarkable things about myself - like that I'm really an introvert who's been trying hard to be an extroert her whole life and that I  have a creative side that now demands attention,  that I'm really happy to be without the adrenaline rush of N histrionics and that I can, indeed, finally just turn away from people who insist on abusing me and treating me like crap.  It's taken about 9 months to give birth to the new me - and I'm loving it!  I can't remember a time in my life when I've felt so much at peace, when I haven't battled anxiety, when I'm busily doing things that I really enjoy doing, and when I feel free to be myself in the world.  Just as I went NC with WWW and her Flying Monkeys, I have no desire to read the blogs of people who are hateful, mean-spirited, name-calling people who behave like mean adolescents - good grief!  I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime!  Again, it's a relief to remove myself from the narcissistic nonsense and get on with my new life!!!

Playing dress up

"She's never been my mother like that.  She likes to pretend she is.  She likes to take on that roll, like a child playing dress up."  (This is a quote from Releasing Jessie:  Who's your Mommy? - see sidebar)

This resonates with me!  This is exactly how my Nmother was - playing dress up describes it so perfectly.  LS1 told me about taking our Nmother shopping when she was in her 80's and going to the dressing room to see if she needed anything, to find my mother twirling in a dress and saying as she looked in the mirror - "Don't I look beautiful?"  Now, I don't think it's unusual for an 80 year old woman to look beautiful in a nice dress, but my sister was struck by the fact that not once in her life had our Nmother told her that she (LS1) looked beautiful.  When I was at a prom in high school, my mother came up to me and told me that someone had said to her, 'When did (Pearl)become such a beauty?"  And my Nmother told me this with amazement on her face and walked away shaking her head! I was by no means a beauty, but it's hard for a 16 year old girl NOT to look good with makeup, her hair up, and in a beautiful dress!  But Nmother really didn't want the attention taken from her - no basking in reflected glory for her!  It was the amazement that got to me - it really did take a good bit of the joy out of the evening for me...  And I wonder why I get scared when I lose weight - taking the spotlight off thin, beautiful Nmother was a dangerous venture. 

Grounded, at home on the earth

For most of my life, I've felt estranged from the world, like I didn't belong, as if I had a very tenuous hold on the earth, as if I had no right to take up space on the planet.  Even as a young child, I remember feeling that way - I had no right to exist.  I think I must have been an odd little kid - I hid in a corner of the attic that could only be accessed through a small opening - I had to duck even as a child and the little room it led to was freezing in the winter and sweltering in the summer - and I was afraid of  small spaces - but I still went there to read by flashlight or just to sit and think about things.   No one every found me there.  I have no idea what that space was for - there was nothing in it - I think it might just have been God's way of providing a hiding place for me.  It was so quiet there and so peaceful.  I used that space through high school. 

In my FOO, there was no personal identity - we were part of a group - basically,  my Nparents ran a very clean, very tidy, very abusive group home.   Although we all received toys at Christmas time, we weren't allowed to keep our toys in our rooms - or even to keep our toys separate from our siblings' toys- after Christmas Day, they were all put in a long wooden box (that carpet came in) in the basement, everyone's jumbled together - we didn't have personal possessions.  Nmother would come into our rooms and dump our dresser drawers in the middle of the floor if they weren't tidy enough - I'm talking underwear folded neatly, socks lined up, sweaters folded the regulation way.  Our letters were read, our diaries were read - there wasn't an iota of privacy in the whole house.  The only door that was allowed to be locked was the bathroom door - and since there was only one full bath with 9 children, the minute you went into the bathroom, someone was pounding on the door.  Thankfully, Nmother didn't want children messing up her house, so we played outside most of the day and, if you could escape the care of younger siblings, there was freedom and privacy to be had in the branches of trees, on the top of the smokehouse by the river, in vacant barns, on long bike rides, even at the cemetary.  But there's something immeasurably sad about not feeling at home at home.  It was housing, but not a home at all.  Between Nfather's narcissistic rages and irrational ramblings and Nmother's need to control all of the world in order to feel safe, with no energy left for her children, it was a decidedly bad group home.  WWW used to tell me that she had heard Nfather and Nmother talking and that I was adopted (a ridiculous  contention, since I look exactly like Nfather), and I used to daydream about the day my real parents would come and rescue me from these awful people who obviously didn't love me because I wasn't really their child.  It was a long wait...

But now I feel at home on the earth - I feel "grounded" and as if I belong here.  This is relatively new and I'm still amazed by it - I have a right to be here - I have the right to exist, to be who I really am, to explore the world and my life and my feelings.  I have the right (and obligation!) to protect myself and those I love - and I have the right to share my life with whomever I choose - and to not share my life with whomever I choose - Life is Good!!!

The Calm

The Calm is lovely - only rarely now am I anxious and usually there's an identifiable reason - went to the dentist yesterday, for example!!  The free-floating stuff is almost gone - what a relief.  Yesterday I ripped a half-made scarf out of the loom and threw it away - it had been frustrating and I wasn't all that happy with the color result - instead of feeling guilt and shame (How dare I waste yarn, how dare I give up in the middle of a project, what kind of person am I that would ....), I felt massive relief!!!  I have lots of lovely projects planned and this was keeping me from them. Today I start a new scarf for my lovely sister-in-law and I'm delighted!!!

 I am going to have my anxiety medicine refilled just in case - there's something very comforting about it nestling in my purse...  Mike and I are following our daughter's lead and have started a new diet - it's called Whole30 and involves meat, veggies, and fruit with absolutely no processed foods at all - I've made mayo, tomato paste and salad dressing.  I've clarified butter and read a million recipes - for a recent vegetarian, it's a bit of a stretch, but I've been having a lot of allergy issues lately and I think some of that may be food related - I'd already stopped eating gluten, so that bit's not hard and we eat a LOT of vegetables, so there's still relaxing chopping, chopping, chopping!  We live in a great place to do this, although most things we make are usually missing one of two things that aren't available here - and they're still excellent, so no matter...

Life is good and getting better - really, going NC with my Nsiblings has been the very best thing I've ever done to take care of me.  There's an element of sadness to that, but there was a larger element of sadness to letting them harass  me without doing anything to protect myself.  I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  Hurrah!!!

Forgiveness vs acceptance

I have to say that I'm really confused by the idea of forgiveness being important as a way of making the forgiver feel better.  Sister Renee has really helped me to clarify the concept of Scriptural forgiveness, for which I'm tremendously grateful. I believe that forgiveness is a gift given to those who ask for it.  I also believe that granting forgiveness to someone who doesn't ask for it is condescending and presumptuous.  How would you like it if someone, out of the blue, decided to forgive you?  I've been on the receiving end of that and I remember thinking, "What the hell?"  I had no idea what the woman was talking about and it ended our friendship - now, as an adult, I realize that she was trying to be gracious and "Christian" but to this day I don't really know what I did to deserve her forgiveness.

I agree with Sister Renee that forgiveness must be given if it is asked for in a sincere, honest way.  It is a gift given not to make me feel better about myself or to somehow make me feel less anger or to heal myself.  This action is other-directed.  It is for the benefit of the recipient, not me.  If it somehow also has the result of healing me as well, that's great - but forgiveness isn't really about me, the forgiver.  It's sort of like former Communist countries asking Christians to come in after the Wall went down - not for the sake of their people becoming Christians, but because Christians tend to be hard-working people!  They weren't after the REAL benefit of Christianity, but a by-product and that just isn't honest nor does it often work.  Just as forgiving someone so that I can feel better is not a healing or caring act nor does it heal the relationship - in fact, it may well damage the relationship.

Now acceptance is another thing - that is all about me!!!  I have to accept my Nsiblings as they are - and then stay far, far away from them.  But I have to stop thinking that anything in this group will change - it won't and that's the truth of narcissism.  Does acceptance help me?   Yes!  Does it help the one I accept as who s/he is?  Probably not.  Does it help me heal?  Absolutely!  Does  it resolve anger about the treatment I've received over the years and continue to receive at the hands of my Nsiblings?   Again, yes!  Does it heal the Nsib or help them deal with their anger?  Probably not.  So this is about how I heal, how I deal with my anger, how I learn to accept who I am in this mess  But I don't announce it, I don't offer it as a gift, I don't condescend to accept - I merely accept the truth of my life, set boundaries around myself for protection, and look forward to a future without the nonsense of narcissism!

I apologize that this is somewhat rambling - I'm still trying to make sense of all this!