My, my - it's been a ride! These past 3 years have been a roller coaster of emotions; a frenzy of learning everything I can about dysfunctional families, narcissism, passive/aggressive personality disorder; an in-depth study of how I've related to the world in the past and how I want to do that now. Phew! Am I finished? Hardly! Am I past the worst of it? I certainly hope so!
I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. The anxiety is waning more than waxing. I've "lost" some people I'd thought were friends but only on their terms, with me doing most of the "connecting," but I have some lovely new friends who nurture me and care for me as much as I do them. And the lovely old friends who stay connected with me are a true blessing.
I find myself being less concerned about other people's attitudes to me- just as I'm trying to rein in my overly developed need to care for folks who aren't connected to me. I'm a free agent in the world! And it's lovely - very freeing. I have time - not just because my spouse is in care, but also because my brain is no longer full of "should's" and old messages from Nmother about myself and the world. Her voice has been quieted - what a relief!
Now I know that this is a bit easier for me than for most ACON's because I live on a different continent than my NFOO. Going NC was bit easier, too, but given that I have 8 siblings, the "easy" part is balanced out with sheer numbers! Like I say, it's been a ride! I know there's still work to do - and there probably always will be - but I feel like I'm ready, finally, to be who I was meant to be, to live my own life, to be my own person, to dream my own dreams and do my own thing - hurrah!!!
I want to focus on other things now, but I want to thank all of you who've responded to this blog and whose blogs I've read intensely to figure out how to live free! I've learned so much from you who've gone before and were willing to share all that you learned. Without you, this journey would have been waaaaaaaaaay longer. I was blessed to have all of you and one loving sister who made the journey with me, encouraging me and easing the way. Gracias!! Muchisimas gracias!
Hi Pearl! Did I miss an earlier post about your spouse going into care? I am SO HAPPY about this, not only because of the relief it gives to you, but because that relationship, even before the dementia began to develop, was always a strain on you, if I recall from Toto days. The waxing and waning, yep. Comes and goes, but if the arc is wane, that's genuine progress. The absence of "shoulds" is amazing. I haven't Skyped with NF in 6 weeks now, and I know I "should," and I will, but I haven't felt like it so I've honored that. And felt no guilt about it. I'll Skype with him soon b/c I haven't gone NC; but things have irreversibly changed, and he has no one, NO ONE, to blame but himself (which of course he won't do). I tried these last two years, and put my neck on the line being honest with him about our relationship and it's one-way-ness, the way he doesn't treat me as a full person. He just rejects all of it. On him! How sad that of 8 sibs, only one was there to help you and be a friend. However, YAY! Sometimes all it takes is one. Just one. Used to have that with my youngest sis. No more. And I'm getting used to that too! Happy to see this post, and you. xo CS
ReplyDeleteI'm dealing now with grief - I've loved my spouse most of my adult life and I know that he loves me in his own odd, weird way, but being loved by a p/a is a lot like being "loved" by a narcissist! I really am tired of one-way relationships where I do all the attempting to connect. There are people in my life now who call ME - it's quite remarkable! And it's not "work" at all to be involved with people who want loving, caring, giving relationships - amazing! When Nfather and Nmother divorced, 2 of us sibs kept in touch with Nfather, but it was taxing work - I think that he called me once in his entire life and it was to beg me to help him get back together with Nmother! During our very one-sided conversations, I'd say things like, "This is the part in the conversation when you should ask about my spouse and children." Silence. Then back to him!!! Really, I'm not sure N's can change at all - what they're doing works for them and that's all they can see. I, too, spent years being completely honest with Nfather - all to no avail. His contact with me was only to get what HE wanted. He even told his siblings that no one in the NFOO ever called him! (My sister and I each called him once a week for years!) If their lips are moving, they're lying! Thanks so much for your support through this - I think that this blog has served its purpose for me - I think better on "paper." I'll continue to visit the blogs that are insightful and honest (like yours!), but I think my blogging days on this subject are over... Now it's just practice, practice, practice!
ReplyDeleteI hear you. PA is a very intractable and frustrating thing to deal with. You can love someone who is PA but never really trust them, I think, because you never know when they'll need to undermine. As for the 'need' to blog, I also understand that waning, as practice becomes the major issue. I still need to keep blogging about it I think b/c there are upcoming situations that have potential to challenge where I am now in my progress, and also because there is a core group of people who communicate with me (including you) who continue to help and share. I also can see that there are many many more people reading my posts than there are commenters; which means that something there is helping someone else. That's been a shift for me--thinking about the blog as a repository of posts that map a trajectory. I also go back and read and think about how much of the change in me is real, and how much of it may be tied to depressive detachment (something I worry about). I AM glad, though, that you no longer have to care-take your husband, even though you've loved him. We need to rescue as much as we can for what's left of our lives. xo CS
DeleteWe do need to rescue as much as we can of what's left of our lives! I think I may continue to blog sporadically, as things come up - but mostly I want to take my life back, using what I've learned from you and other bloggers, reading, and pondering. It's finally becoming more automatic to see N's and stay away from them, to keep my boundaries strong even with those I love, and to let myself be myself. I've spent my life being strong and in charge and I'm letting go of some of that - it was a bit extreme! I'm enjoying giving myself space to figure out what's next instead of rushing in and doing the next thing that has to be done - it's a little scary, but without Nmother's voice in my head anymore, it's OK.
ReplyDeleteI probably need to give some thought to blogging the victories, to write about what's next... Food for thought - thanks for your comment!
Hi Pearl, I too keep CS up, for the same reason. My relationship to the FOO narcs has massively changed (ie, I've pulled out). But things come up so I keep the blog up. I feel like I could still be blindsided. More chance of that with both parents still being alive. I haven't Skyped with NF in going on 2 months now. He hasn't made any contact, put it all on me. So I've followed my feelings for once and just let it go. We'll see how much longer it takes for someone to remind me that 'he won't live forever.' And he won't--he's 86. But our Skype conversations are always always the same, and I wonder, what's the point, eh? xo CS
DeleteFollowing our feelings, actually listening to our intuition really makes a difference, doesn't it? That was certainly drilled out of me during childhood and I'm finally getting that intuition is a gift, that it can protect me if I'm willing to just listen. My sister told me about a book called "The Gift of Fear" and reading it was life-changing for me. I'd always thought that fear was my enemy, when in reality it's purpose is to warn me of danger - providing me the opportunity to remove myself from that danger. What better knowledge for an ACON!!!
DeleteAt 86, there's no real chance for change - but you know that already! Talking to my Nfather on the phone was a ridiculous waste of my time, but I kept it up until the end - misplaced filial loyalty, I suppose. There was a small part of me that felt sorry for him - he was so pathetic, so little like a real human being. I visited periodically for the same reason. The long and short of it was, however, that he told his FOO that no one ever called him or visited him when he was living at the assisted living place! Narcissistic with his last breath... You have to do what's best for you, not for him - if calling is better for you, then call. If not, let it be. (I'm about to break into song!) Keep listening to that still, small voice