Not being a target

So - I now have 4 things I'm working on to not be a target of narcissists and their flying monkeys: 1. Remembering that most of the problems of the world are none of my damn business. This is going well - I have to do less self-talk when I'm confronted with an issue or problem and I'm amazed at how much brain space these "dilemmas" took up! I have less anxiety about life in general and that's always a good thing. 2. Staying present. This is going reasonably well - But right now I'm mostly hanging out with only one or two people at a time. I did have lunch with a group this week, though, and I stayed present even though I wasn't comfortable with one of the people, so that's progress... 3. Not smiling so much. This one has been easier than I'd thought it would be. I don't think I'm really the happy person that people think I am - as my LS1 points out, I have a relatively positive outlook on life - but I'm also a bit sarcastic (ok, more than a bit) and I believe firmly in a sin nature, so I don't believe that we're all good deep down - somehow the WWW and her flying monkeys got a pass on that for a long time, but no more, which leads us to #4. Avoid these people once you see their true nature. Now that I'm listening to my intuition, this is becoming easier - I see, I leave, I don't go back for more! This also is ever so freeing - how much time I've wasted on these "relationships" which weren't really relationships. Narcissistic supply is just not a basis for a real relationship... So there you have it - progress is being made! I'm also not spending as much time processing, so I have more time and energy for my life and figuring out how to live it more fully and richly - ah...

AVOID THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE!

OK, so I'm trying really hard to keep from being spotted as narissistic supply by the narcissists out there in the world and I'm getting it, I think - I know what's my business and what isn't - and most isn't...  I'm working on not smiling so much and I'm staying present instead of disappearing - and yet...  I had an encounter today with a woman I'd met months ago because I rented the apartment she had been living in.  She had an ad out saying that she was moving again and was selling off a lot of plants and pots, which I need.  I emailed her and told her that I couldn't make it to her place the day of the sale (tomorrow), but she had said that people could make appointments if the sale time didn't work out.  I told her that today at 1:30 would work - she emailed back saying that 1:30 was OK.  I got a taxi and arrived at her door, only to have no one answer.  I called her on her cell and she said, "No,honey, the sale is tomorrow."  (Oh, how I hate narcissistic sweetness...)  When I reminded her that she had OK'd this time and date, she said that she thought I'd meant tomorrow and she was on her way out the door and was LATE - like I was to blame for that!!!   I came home and read my emails and her replies and I was very clear that I'd meant today - I SAID today.  I remember that the last time I dealt with her, it was difficult, too - so why did I attempt  this again????  I have to keep telling myself that people don't change usually and once I discover that they are difficult, I should just not deal with them again..  Point 4!!!!  Once I know a person is difficult, I should keep my distance.  Lesson learned.

Days of anxiety, days of peace

Sometimes I just want to make the peace "stick."  It seems a bit wobbly sometimes...  I've had a couple of days that were full of anxiety - the free-floating kind, the kind that I've lived with for so long...  Today is better - I have a task (painting walls), it's raining, and I just figured out how to put Pandora on my computer, so life is good!  I've carved out some time for my Spanish homework, Mike is hanging a new wall hanging, and I have a plan for the last bedroom.  I still fear the anxiety so much - why does it always feel as if I'll be stuck in it forever?  I know that that's a childish thought process and I have to get past it, but when I'm in the midst of anxiety, it's really hard to convince myself to be a grown-up, to convince myself that it will pass.  I'm giving a lot of thought to what I want to do when I hit critical mass in peace - all my life, I've been involved in "helping" professions - I know that I was good at what I did, but I know now that I was conditioned to just take care of people and I think that there may be something else out there for me, something that allows me to be me.  I've also realized that people consider me a happy person - I'm not sure I really am - I think that smiling, too, is a way to take care of people - see, I have no needs, no desires - I'm always happy so you don't have to do anything for me.  So, now I'm trying to 1. Remember that most of what needs fixing is none of my damn business, 2. Remember to stay present and not disappear and 3. Stop smiling so much!!!  This last one may be one of the ways that narcissists identify me as someone who will provide narcissistic supply, so it has to go!!  I identified a narcissist the other night at a party - it was quick, it was painless, and I got away from her quickly.  Ah...  You know that feeling you get when the hair on the back of your neck stands up??? It's a great early indicator - listening to it is going to make my life better.

Tough Day

I spent years searching card racks to find Mother's Day and Father's Day cards that didn't lie and say things like "To the best dad/mom in the world" and other such nonsense. Even birthday cards were tough. But yesterday I felt sad, not so much because my Nmother died last year but because I never really had a mother. I remember calling from college when I was homesick or depressed and getting off the phone feeling MORE depressed. I learned my freshman year not to call home when I was sick, depressed, sad, broke, or needy in any way - not sure why I'd thought it would be any different from the earlier part of my life but I'm apparently a slow learner when it comes to my family... My Nfather took me to college because he had to travel to Milwaukee to drop a migrant worker at the bus station. He put my suitcases on the curb and hurried off to the bus station without even saying goodbye - and yet I still thought that if I was sad or sick, someone would care.. Of course, if I didn't call, I was accused of not caring - it was always lose-lose for me in that group! I knew a long time ago that I had no value in my FOO, and I've processed this lack of parenting and caring for years, but it does still come up on holidays, especially on Mother's day, probably since that is the relationship that I most missed out on. I'm so very, very happy that I have two wonderful, caring kids who called and visited with me on Mother's Day and I'm so glad that I get to be their mother!

Disappearing Act

This transition is tough - my jobs right now are to stop taking on the world's problems as if they were mine alone to solve and to stop disappearing. I've made a good bit of progress in the "It's none of my damn business" department, but the disappearing... I tend to hermit while I'm processing and I can also "disappear" in a group of people - my friends in college used to ask me how I did that and I really didn't know, but I was invisible in my family and to my family and that's what I do if I'm not careful to stay present. People actually don't remember me being at functions if I've allowed myself to "disappear." It's a strange and rather frightening phenomenon - sometimes I can feel myself doing it, so I can stop it, but it's been part of how I am for so long that it's tough to stop doing it automatically if I'm anxious- I just go away and even though I'm physically present, I'm gone for all practical purposes. I continue to talk to people, to observe what's going on, etc., but most people wouldn't remember that I was there... I was well trained in the art of not having any needs or desires - to the point of just not being present - AACK!!! I'm finding right now that the people I'm attracted to are people who've been through this and come out the other side as whole, emotionally healthy people who can be present in their lives and in their relationships - ah, how I long for that day!!!! Disappearing was a great tool when I was a child, but it's no longer serving me and I have to stop doing it - I can be safe in the world without this particular self-defense mechanism. I want to be present in my own life!!

Zero Tolerance

I now have absolutely zero tolerance for narcissistic nonsense. I spot it much earlier now and I find myself leaving the scene as quickly as possible rather than trying to figure out how to deal with it effectively - because now I know there IS no dealing with it and I no longer want to waste my time and energy on ridiculous interactions whose only purpose is to provide narcissistic supply to crazy people. Ah, the freedom! I've been able to spot male narcissists for a long time, but female narcissists, especially the covert ones and the histrionics, are now on my radar as well - hurrah! These are the people who really drain my energy and cause a lot of anxiety in my life - wait!- make that past tense! I no longer dance to that tune, the jarring gossip and lies, the 2-faced behavior, the caterwauling and high drama, the victim posture of the WWW and her flying monkeys. I see such joy on the faces of my loving sibs* - they're so much more open to the world without contact with the three weird sisters and that's so wonderful to see... We're all figuring out who we REALLY are and connecting in a new and wonderful way! So much pain, but I'm already seeing the benefit of zero tolerance!

*Update 6/16/2014 -  There is a real danger in seeing narcissism for what it is and turning away from that knowledge, or at least not working on changing one's own behavior, not getting rid of "fleas" and/or deciding that the recovery process is too painful to continue.

Not my job

I'm back - it's been a lovely break, but I'm more convinced than ever that I draw narcissisists like flies to honey...  How do they spot me???  This is the issue that I have to deal with now - making myself a non-target to new narcissists.   My LS1 says that this is her main goal, too - presenting to the world a face that says, "Don't mess with me" instead of "Here I am - what can I do for you?"  I definitely need a "Don't mess with me" face!  I'm practicing saying to myself, "This is not my problem" and "This is not my business" and "I don't have to solve this problem."  In my FOO, there were problems in abundance and no grownups to solve them - I really did believe most of my life that any problem that I noticed, was told about, or happened to think of was mine to solve.  This has led to huge stress in my life.  Just putting aside the issues with the 3 Weird Sisters (No, I don't have to save these relationships, no, I don't have to keep trying when obviously there is no like motivation on the other side) has been a great stress-reducer.  It's amazing to me how many issues and problems are really none of my damn business!