Boundaries and intuition

We rent a 2 apartment house and we sub-let the upstairs apartment.  We've had one horrific experience with renters we came to call "the crazy people" - but mostly, we've had lovely people upstairs and have been very grateful for them.  The current tenant, a woman we really like, is going back to the States next month, so we put an ad on one of the Gringo sites - and my, oh my!  The weird people came out of the woodwork.  First, I got an email that creeped me out - I didn't respond.  Then came two lovely, timid women who wore whistles around their necks and really can't live in a neighborhood - they need to be in a gringo condo - but they were sweet.  Then a woman in the neighborhood wanted to see the place - but every time we made an arrangement, she somehow couldn't make it - she kept trying to get me to call her, and I kept putting it back on her - it finally just died out...  And then came a woman whose language indicated that she wanted to live in a place where someone could take care of her - apparently, her current landlords had indicated that they would help her out by periodically driving her into town (She's a ways out.), but she said it didn't happen often, and when it did, she had to ASK them...  Hmmm...  She wanted to talk a lot and, not wanting to disturb our tenant more than necessary, I kept trying to move her through the process - it was only moderately successful - thankfully, she wrote the next day and explained that the situation was too "iffy" because we might go back to the States in a year or two - thank goodness!!! 

Now I have to put another ad on a different website - and I can't wait to see what kinds of responses I get - the ex-pat community seems to have a significantly higher rate of N's than the US has - and that's pretty scary!  I'm practicing listening to my intuition and not getting taken in by N's - the "crazy people" were N's and it was really uncomfortable living downstairs from them - and even worse when they moved out, leaving the place disgustingly dirty (food dripping down the kitchen cupboards, the floor having never been cleaned in the 4 months they lived there, etc....) - we then told them that since they had been so disrespectful of us, they had to move their shipping container's worth of stuff out of our attic.  (It was all done silently - very uncomfortable, but better than anything they might have said, I suppose...).  Don't want a re-play of that!!! 

I'm keeping good boundaries - it's been a challenge sometimes, but I keep working at it - I figure that soon it'll be second nature.  For now, just not being afraid of strangers coming to look at the place is good - I'll listen to my intuition and if I don't want them here, they won't be here - hurrah.

Grateful for N's behavior

There's still a sadness sometimes for what might have been  - even after realizing that both of my parents were N's and that I had to go NC with some of my more malicious siblings, I really thought that maybe those who'd been ousted from the family might yet form another family...  It didn't take long for that fantasy to die (even those mistreated by the family want roles to remain the same)- it was a lovely dream, but it wasn't possible.  The distortion created by the Nparents is just too twisted to undo. And we're all old now- the behaviors we've used to defend ourselves in the NFOO are just too well established to change, I think, unless the pain created by the NFOO is great enough to push us toward change.  I'm grateful that I've had sufficient pain from the WWW and her Flying Monkeys and other sibs to make me want out - permanently.  Really, if they hadn't been so horrific, I might have continued on the path of least resistance - mostly stay away, grit my teeth and get through a family event, etc.  But that created a lot of anxiety for me, and kept me locked in relationships that were really unhealthy for me.  So I'm grateful for N's for just being who they are and making it possible for me to get out and stay out.

Peace at the core

At long last, I've managed to figure out my entire NFOO - whew!  When I figured out the Nparents, I felt an enormous sense of relief - and then I realized that N's create dynasties - and the Nparents had produced 9 children - quite an empire!  There are at least 2 N's - and the rest of us have innumerable fleas - and I think that if you keep your "fleas" long enough (and feed them with sycophantic behavior), the Nvirus destroys all sense of right and wrong and you become, for all intents and purposes, an N.  Those of us who were scapegoats (the servants of the Golden Children) had no recourse early on, before we understood what was going on, except a geographic fix - it would be fun to map Nfamilies and try to figure out where the scapegoats ended up - I'm a continent away and the other scapegoat is 1/2 a continent away from the N's.  There is a 3rd scapegoat - he's still a servant, the peacemaker  of the family - he makes some progress toward understanding, then backs away from it.  So I'm either NC or LC with all my sibs except one - she and I are working through this together, which has been an enormous blessing.  

The feeling of a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders (or my soul) is truly amazing - this personality disorder has affected every aspect of my life - until now.  I'm finally really, truly free of this - there is a calm at the center of my being that I don't think I've ever before felt in my entire life. My brain isn't constantly trying to process the disaster that is my Nfamily and I'm able to focus on me, on my life, on my goals, on my dreams - what an amazing, wonderful experience!  Hopefully, this blog will now be about how I experience life as a free person!  I'm sure there will be minor forays into enemy territory, but I think the war's been won! 

This is so remarkable - sorry that this post is slightly repetitive, but honestly, I don't think I've ever felt like this in my entire life!!!!!

Caregiving

I need to learn more about PTSD - I'm pretty sure I and most of my sibs have it - soooooo much free-floating anxiety in my NFOO...  I also don't think it's a coincidence that when the second Nparent died, all hell broke loose.  It's been a little over 2 years and my, I've learned a lot - and so many of my basic assumptions about who I am, who my sibs are, and how the world operates have changed completely.  Although I'm currently a caregiver for my spouse, I don't consider myself a caregiver for the world anymore - such a relief to be out of that role!  I thought about 3 times before offering to take a meal to a church couple - then I thought, "Well, this would be OK - and it's important for church members to take care of each other."   Really, I had to talk myself INTO it instead of OUT of it!  Yup - good change.  I'm staying as far away from N's as I can - and I'm speaking up when I feel that anyone is trying to intrude on my boundaries.  (How they react to that tells me a LOT about them and whether or not I should be in any sort of relationship with them...)  Strangely, all of this has made me calmer - OK, so I'm still not exactly calm, but I am calmer and I'll take that any old day.  I think because I'm constantly practicing, I don't feel as unqualified to be in the world as I used to feel.  I've had a lot of success with maintaining boundaries, and I've even had some with making my needs known- the trick is to do this with people who actually have the capacity to meet another person's needs!  (Duh...  But I honestly thought that it was MY fault that people wouldn't meet my needs...)   So life is getting better and better - with a good number of side trails that threaten to trip me up periodically, but so far I've been able to stay focused and resolute in not casting pearls before swine.  (You knew it was coming...)

Self care

Another quiet morning with a cup of coffee - well, a couple of cups of coffee...  I had a wonderful day yesterday - a group of women went to a lovely hacienda in the mountains and enjoyed a day of being taken care of.  We ate, we played games, we walked along the river, we sat by the fire, we visited a wood-working shop.  The group had been hand-chosen to avoid having N's in the group and it was delightful.   If only real life could be this easy - oh, it can be!!!  Being with kindred spirits is pure joy!

Taking care of others/not taking care of myself has been a lifetime habit that has to be broken completely - really, how did I manage to get this old without realizing that I'm worthy of self care?   I plan on making up for years of neglect and taking good, good care of myself from now on - eating healthy food, exercising whenever I want, walking, walking, walking, and being alone when I need to be (even if that means spending more money on spouse care).  I'm off this morning to visit with a friend and walk around town a bit - hurrah!

Grief and its aftermath

A quiet morning with a cup of coffee- ah...  I've learned that sadness shared is a wonderful blessing.  It's still sadness - painful and heart-wrenching - but it's not soul-destroying like the sadness is that you keep buried inside and let out only when no one is around.  Shared sadness creates bonds, linking you to other people who've had similar pain - it's been a remarkable couple of days.  Grief is exhausting, but I'm so glad for the hugs, the shared stories, the kindness of my church family - to be on the receiving end of such generosity of spirit  has been refreshing.

I haven't heard from my brother for weeks now - people from normal families believe that he's grieving and can't reach out.  People from wildly dysfunctional families understand that he's not grieving - he's avoiding grieving or feeling anything, which is how he survived the NFOO.  I've attempted to connect in a minimal way - I've sent a couple of ecards which I know he's received, but there's been no response.  This is the last of my siblings that I thought I might be able to have at least a quasi relationship with...  Seems that it was yet another "Here, you do what I need and then I'll ignore you" scenario - but for me, it often takes something this extreme to make me stop trying - and I'm fresh out of siblings now...  Thank goodness, I have one sister who's been working through the same issues and we talk daily - it's been beyond wonderful to have someone to talk to who knows all the characters in the NFOO drama and who's working toward emotional health with the same intensity.

So I'm left with 3 NC sibs, 4 sibs with whom I'm LC, and one real sibling.   People used to say, when I told them how many siblings I had, that it must have been nice to have that many friends around all the time - even when I was young, I wondered how they could think that that's the way it was.  Too much bad television, perhaps... 

I feel like this post needs closure, but I don't seem to have any to offer - I'm content where I am emotionally right now, I know that my friends and remaining sibling are supportive and loving  and there for me when I'm sad, and I'm looking forward to this wonderful new life without the weight of feeling responsible for connecting to people who don't want a relationship with me - it's freeing in a quiet, sad sort of way - but I can feel the freedom bubbling up inside of me and I'm looking forward to where that takes me! 

Sadness and Roles

I've been sad today and I've actually been talking about it - usually I hide away when I'm sad  - being emotionally vulnerable was NEVER good in the NFOO.  It opened you wide up for attack.  So I'm trying to just be me in the world - a woman at church told me that I looked tired and I told her that I was emotionally drained because my sister-in-law had just died.  She looked shocked - really, if you tell someone they look tired, you'd better be prepared to find out the reason why!  A friend called and asked how I was - I'm so grateful that I have friends who are willing to pick up the phone just to find out if I'm OK.  I told my pastor about Mike's health issue this week - I'm not real sure about this man and I find that he's not terribly good with stuff going wrong in your life unless he can "fix"it...  But I told him anyway.  Yesterday, I told some friends about my sister-in-law and about my husband - they were gentle and comforting.  Apparently, my ability to choose wise, gentle people is improving!  It's so nice to be on the receiving end of kindness.  And I didn't cry when they were kind!  Usually, I'm so shocked by kindness that I break out in tears (another huge no-no in the NFOO).  But yesterday and today, I just accepted it and said thank you.  Ah...

I'm also slowly starting to process that my role (which sucks) and the GC's role (which gives her lots of goodies) were both assigned roles.  I've talked before about how I think that roles in Nfamilies are assigned by using extraordinarily shallow criteria - being the firstborn, looking like one of the N's, being the "cause" of your Nmother's pregnancy nausea or long labor pains, etc.  I'm beginning to feel some compassion for  the Nsibs - they didn't ask for their roles, either!  It's hard to get out of a role - even a horrific role that wreaks havoc in your life.  I knee jerk help people - of course I realize now that I can only offer help to family members who are "out" and at least on the path to emotional health.  Offering help in the NFOO is met with mockery and derision - it's part of the Nsupply, but it can't be accepted gracefully because if offered (instead of demanded), it can result in a narcissistic injury.  (I don't need your help!)  It's a hard line to walk - and I won't be doing that anymore - even if asked, I won't help N's anymore.  It's not that I'm going to go back into my role for them, or that I'll back out of NC and go back to LC, or attempt a relationship with them - they're way too dangerous for that!  But it's sort of sad that all of us were assigned roles that determined to a great extent how we live our lives - I'm having difficulty learning to stop giving so much (which is in great part not because I'm more generous than others but because I was conditioned to give supply) -  imagine how hard it would be to become less selfish!  Part of this journey is to figure out who I really am - and maybe I'm a lot more selfish than I think I am - I can only hope!!!

That's Just the Way I Am!!!

The past couple of years have been quite a ride!  I've quit my job, moved to another continent, begun to make sense of my NFOO (as much as one can), and discovered that I am worthy of  being on the planet, regardless of what my Nsibs appear to believe!  I've gone NC with 3 toxic siblings, and discovered that with most of the rest of my siblings, I have to be low contact for a variety of reasons - mostly because we accepted enmeshment as a way of life and it's a habit that's apparently very difficult to break.  I have one sister who's on the same ride, who's working hard to figure out how to free herself from the craziness that is our NFOO.  Thank goodness I have one sibling left - it's been so wonderful to have someone to work through this stuff with - it's so lovely not to have to explain everything!  I see an end now to the confusion, the Wft? that hits you when N's work yet another dastardly two-step to make a scapegoat's life a living hell.  The roles! The roles!  To give up your family-given role is akin to treason - how dare you not be who we TOLD you to be?  The effrontery of believing that you, fool, can be whoever you want to be, the person you were born to be instead of who we assigned you to be so that you could meet our needs!  The role's the thing... I think I'm finally out - I've outted myself - I no longer want/need the role to feel like I belong to something larger than myself - I don't want to belong anymore.  I really do want to be me, with all the scariness and insecurity and thrill that comes with that job!

Sometimes I bemoan how absolutely insane my NFOO is - really, with this many enmeshed people, it used to take one counseling session just to get the family tree organized!   But without this level of insanity, I may not have connected all the dots - once you get it, once you realize the way N's and their ilk work, it gets harder and harder to NOT see it.  I'm grateful to the Nsisters who made my mother's dying a circus of Nactivity, and to my brother whose inability to relate to me in any way outside of my family role took me down a painful path to the awareness that this is another relationship that will never be normal.  Without those experiences, I'd still be wondering what was wrong with me  instead of finally realizing that I had nothing to do with how this was set up, and I can't fix it.  Fixing it was a big part of my role - now I'm taking up the family mantra:  "That's just the way s/he is!"  This, by the way, was not applied to me - but I'm now applying it to myself - "That's just the way I am!"  It's wonderfully freeing - I highly recommend it to anyone trying to get out of the jumbled mess that is the NFOO. 

Pearl

My lovely, courageous sister-in-law died today.  She was a delight, but leery of family, since family had harmed her.  When I was growing up, I used to believe that my father thought that we weren't children at all but cattle.   He treated us like a herd - he didn't really know our names, our personalities, or our feelings - just our roles.  Brother #1 and his wife seemed to do this, too - if some family members hurt you, then all family members were bad.  To my brother, "family" means his kids - and when his wife was dying, they circled the wagons and didn't let anyone else in.  I understand that - it's a frightening, very intimate and extremely personal event!  But it's still weird to be clumped together with WWW and her Flying Monkeys in someone's eyes...  Especially since I've worked for years at having a relationship with Brother #1 - We've visited them, invited them to our place (they never came- red flag #1), had Thanksgiving together.  I've called and emailed them (almost all connections were initiated by me - second red flag), and last year two other sisters and I went to help for a couple of weeks each when K was going through treatments.  Since then, I've emailed and SKYPEd and shared my life.  Brother #1 asked me to do the communication with the family after the last surgery - basically, I'd badger him until he sent me something and then I sent it on to other family members.  Without thanks, but ACON's work for nothing, right??? (Red flag #3)  And then one day his daughter wrote and said that she was taking the communication burden over for her dad and she'd be sending me stuff - I wrote back and said that another layer might be a bit much and gave her all the emails so that she could send stuff out directly.  And I haven't heard from Brother #1 since.  Nada.  Nil.  Zilch.  (Red flag #4).  Now, you say, he's been dealing with a lot right now - his wife has been dying!  And that's true - but a 3-minute call to say, "I'm having my daughter take this over because we're living in the same house and it's easier - thanks for all you've done." doesn't seem that hard.  But apparently it is.  It seems that death in this family always brings something to a head - I've been really pondering lately how often I'm involved in one-sided relationships - I'm the only one working on them!  (And I've  also figured out that if you have to 'work" at a relationship, you might want to just take a good hard look at that thing and see if it's worth a lot of trouble...)  I think I'm finally done with "relationships" that are one-sided - by rights, they shouldn't be called relationships - they should be called something like "meships" or "youships" or "Nships" - because they're not about relating.  So - is it my brother's fault that I do this?  Absolutely not! It's all me - he apparently isn't interested but I've kept at it, just knowing that if I keep at it long enough, a relationship will emerge!!!!  Like a beautiful butterfly!  Such absolute shit!  I've got to stop it, stop it, stop it.  Enough.  I am wasting my wonderful self - pearls before swine and all that.  Pearl - I was almost named that as a baby - I'm thankful that I wasn't, but I might just take it as a pet name for my new self - Pearl -an irritant that over time is covered in a lustrous coating and becomes a gem!

Sighing...

By nature, I'm not a sigher - but today I catch myself sighing - guess it's one way to take deep breaths...  My p/a husband has dementia - he has days in a row now when he can't process much - but I've come to realize that it isn't the Parkinson's and it isn't the dementia that make his care difficult - it's the p/a.  If I say yes, he says no - I've worked around this for years, making way too many concessions, but this is getting crazier every day.  There are things he can't see for himself now because of the Parkinson's - when he's taking short steps, when he's up on his toes, when he's leaning backwards going up the stairs - but if I tell him to do something else, he resists because how can he listen to ME?  So my presence is actually putting him in danger because of his personality disorder.  I'm thinking that we may have to look at permanent out-of-home care well before I'd thought we would.  At least it's affordable here - but I'm not willing to stay here forever, so I may be coming back for twice a year visits...

So, this is how it works.  I just told my husband that I think we need to consider him going into full-time care when we get our debt paid off.  I explained that I'm having trouble with his constant sabotaging of my care for him, his constant argumentativeness about ideas for how to improve his health.  I told him that I'm sick of fighting with him about things that would help him.  He, of course, denies that he does this, then says that it's in the past and I should give him another chance, and he promises to use the tools I've given him.  When I say that this is his MO and that he won't really do what he says, he actually writes something on his iPad  (It's a miracle!) and it's "Do you still have the stool softeners?  I think I need them."   Yes, people, this is my life...

They're everywhere!!!

They really are everywhere!  Y'all know that I live on another continent  - I'm having some difficulty with my insurance company here (Yes, it's a universal annoyance...) and I wrote on a local Gringo enewspaper, asking if anyone else had had difficulty and how they resolved it.  I heard from some very nice people (who didn't have a lot of advice, alas) and ONE FLAMING NARCISSIST! Why??  Why do they have to impose themselves on absolutely everyone no matter what!!!??  In a short period of time, I discovered that he's "highly principled" that he views fighting for his rights as evidence of this (Not OTHER people's rights - his rights.), and that he's "gifted with perfect recall" - this came after I accused him of not reading my response to his idiocy.  He's blocked on my email -honestly, I'm appalled, amazed, annoyed, and blown away by how really ridiculous N's are all the time.  There - rant over.  Do you suppose this will ever cease to annoy me???

Free at last! Free at last!!!

Ok, so I know it's been a whole year - and believe me, it feels longer than that!  I felt like I had to leave blogging for a while - and reading blogs and intellectualizing too much - to let my emotions catch up, to mull over what I'd learned, to let it sink in.  And it has.

I've learned some things about myself in the last year that really, I wasn't aware of - like that I'm an introvert.  Those of you who know me know that this is practically laughable, but it's true!  Being an introvert in my NFOO wasn't at all acceptable - it was viewed as a weakness, and we all know what happens when N's see you as weak!  So I became a fake extrovert - yup, there are a lot of us in the ACON world, I think...  Now I realize that I'm just a loud introvert.  And that I'm an empath - hopefully without a lot of uga buga, but an empath all the same - but now I'm an empath with boundaries.  Helping people has been a HUGE part of my life and I now realize that in N's view, helping is a weakness and if you offer them help, you are in the line of fire for all sorts of rejection, bullying, mockery, and whatever else their little brains conjure up.  THAT was a tough one...  But the boundary is that I can help anyone who I love AND who loves me back, anyone who wants a two-way relationship with me - this in itself elimininates all N's. 

I'm developing new friendships and looking closely at old ones - do I need better boundaries?  Do I need to remove myself from the relationship?  The new friendships are lovely - I'm choosing.  I've almost always been friends with people who chose me - this is new for me and quite wonderful. I've made a couple of mistakes, but I've corrected them or backed out of relationships when I've discovered that they're not healthy.  I'm setting better boundaries with people who are in my life but who are somewhat unstable emotionally or who have a history with me of being domineering.

I've developed the defenses that many people learn in childhood - the polite smile that gives nothing away, the semi-polite, "Hello, oh, there's someone I need to talk to - excuse me" that gets you out of the Nattack as you walk in a door, the use of the powerful word, "No." (complete sentence), and the blank face that indicates that I do NOT want anything to do with you.  (I have a wonderful meme saved that says, "Stay calm and put your bitch face on.")  I know it's working most of the time because it's rare now that N's can spot me and I'm surprised when they do - and I utilize some of the above techniques to get away from them quickly.  These are skills that really should be taught in schools!

And, most wonderful of all, I'm doing things that I want to do - I haven't started weaving again yet, but it's starting to bubble up inside me again.  I'm working with a couple of people to get a caregiver's group started at our church and I'm working with another woman to get an adult daily care facility started - I need it and I assume others may as well.  I'm working in a limited way with my church and I have 3 days a week when my spouse is in care so that I can have a life of my own - it's lovely.  I'm reading a lot and having lunch with friends and I spend hours walking around the city. 

 Am I still sometimes discouraged, sad, and frustrated with this process?  YES, I am!!!  I'm amazed that I can still be surprised by sibling behavior, by my spouse's p/a ridiculousness (which I sometimes have trouble distinguishing from his dementia), by a friend's rudeness, etc.  I sometimes feel like I'll forever be playing catch-up, but I've come a long way - I'm still No Contact with 3 siblings and I believe that is a permanent condition.  I'm considering No Contact with an additional sibling, but that won't be hard since he only talks to me when I contact him - another one-way relationship that has to go...  I feel more in control of my life than I've ever felt - and that, in the midst of care giving a spouse who has both dementia AND a passive/aggressive personality - not bad, huh??? 

I have a lot of catching up to do online.  This blog is still by invitation only - that may change in the not-too-distant future, but the NFOO is in chaos and I'm not interested in giving them any additional ammunition right now...