Not "fine"

Ah....  I can officially walk without thinking about my foot, the sinus infection that I'd thought at various times was an ear infection or a cracked tooth turned out to be just a severe sinus infection which is now on the wane due to lots of crazy medicine, and I have so much more energy due to both of these issues getting resolved.   Having been raised by N's and then being married to a p/a who has chronic and severe health issues has made me waaaaaaaaay too likely to ignore my own physical and emotional needs. I'm better, it turns out, at dealing with emotional issues now and have to work at the physical side of this.  Honestly.  I have to get over being "fine" if I'm really not. 

Therein lies the rub

So God and I need to have a long talk.   The NFOO into which I was born is riddled with personality disorders and mental illness.  I married a man with p/a personality disorder – compared to my NFOO, he looked normal…  Well, he didn’t rage, anyway…  Little did I know...  Having come to terms with all of this nonsense, I find myself facing the abyss.  Who am I, really?  What are my dreams, my wishes, my desires?  I’m dealing with adolescent questions about my identity in the Third Age.  How do I do this?  I’m trying to slow down, to deal with the anxiety instead of blocking it, to take deep breaths and listen to the world around me.  The anxiety is mostly gone – but I’ve had 2 panic attacks in the last few days and I think now it’s more about the future than the past –progress, but still scary.  I want my life to be meaningful – but I now have to define that differently than I did before.  I want to experience joy, love, excitement, pleasure – but I also want to care and be cared for, to love and be loved back, to give and be given to – the second part of those phrases has been missing to a large degree and

I feel like I’m missing some piece that makes these things possible.  An essential piece, a piece that makes real relationships possible…  I refuse to believe that I was born without that piece, but I do believe that it was taken from me early on in my life and I know that I have to somehow find it if I’m to find peace.   How do I do this?  How do I stop presenting a self to the world that is giving, caring, and loving without expecting anything in return?  I’ve stopped automatically jumping into caregiver status.  I now think through whether or not I have the time and energy to do something for others, and if I don’t, I hold back.  And surprisingly, I don’t feel selfish when I decide that I can’t give something.  (This, I think, is marvelous progress!!!) 

But I still feel unworthy, somehow, of having people help me.   It’s not like I haven’t needed help, but I’m terrified of asking for it – and I find that most people don’t have the crazy radar that I have that alerts them to people’s needs.  And a lot of the time, I guess because of the unworthiness factor, I don’t even KNOW I need help until after the time has passed and I’ve struggled through on my own.  Goodness, I was well trained to live in the NFOO – but not to live in the real world with real people.   

I’m open to any and all ideas, y’all!

Narcissism +

Sometimes it's not "just" a personality disorder - sometimes it's a personality disorder AND something else that makes life just that much crazier.  My spouse is passive-aggressive and I've struggled with that for a long time - add dementia and Pow! life is now much, much harder.  The narcissism in my NFOO is ridiculously complex because of the number of sibs I have - but I suspect that there is an underlying mental illness that exacerbates it and takes it to a level of craziness that makes one's head spin around.

The NFOO has taken it upon itself to deny even the mention of mental illness - even though my grandmother had electric shock treatments back when it wasn't the new, improved electric shock and my great-grandfather committed suicide.  There is OCD everywhere in the family, and I suspect that at least two sibs are dealing with undiagnosed bipolar disorder - it's sooooooo important to the NFOO to keep this undercover - there's a lot of nonsense in the NFOO about "good genes" - we don't have those kinds of illness - or any kind, for that matter!  Even though a number of sibs have autoimmune diseases, one sib has had cancer, a couple of us have PCOS, a family member has Type 1 Diabetes, another has a debilitating anxiety disorder, etc.  Nope, still good genes - and absolutely NO mental illness!!! Like we still live in an era where mental illness is viewed as possession or at least punishment for sin.  Really.

This explains so much that "just" narcissism doesn't -  the "poor WW" that's always baffled me, the unwillingness of NFOO members to look at the complete fabrications that issue from the mouth of the WWW, the hysteria that drives the NFOO.  Narcissism explains the roles in the NFOO - the Protector has her work cut out for her, dealing as she does with all the manic and depressive episodes of at least 2 of the sibs. The scapegoats were beaten into the ground and their characters completely annihilated during bipolar mania.  And the peacemaker - he has his work cut out for him!    And then there are the just plain N's - who are pieces of work unto themselves.

The confluence of narcissism and bipolar disorder creates a perfect storm - roles are locked in because of the narcissism, there are golden children who must be protected at all costs, even from themselves and knowledge of their mental illness, the no-talk rule is strictly enforced, the level of anxiety goes through the roof, and the scapegoats are shamed and degraded for wanting out of their roles.  But I am out - and there is unimaginable peace and calm because I'm finally free of the "family."  I sincerely hope that this is the last piece!

Failure to Properly Greet

"Failure to properly greet" the WWW and her Flying Monkeys was the crux of the issue when Danielle, my LD and I went to be with my mother while she was dying.  After driving 7 hours, staying overnight on a friend's apartment floor, flying halfway across the country, and then driving an additional 5 hours, we apparently did not greet family members with sufficient enthusiasm and thus the attacks began. This is so unbelievably common in my NFOO - stressful situation, let scapegoats make one "mistake" and then take them down.  Never, ever, ever, ever going to any sort of "family event" ever again - ever, ever, ever. Danielle and I are not going to Richard's wedding - we're meeting him and his new wife in a country close to where I live.  It'll be a one-day let's get together and celebrate your wedding kind of thing -  and so it goes in the NFOO!