The day after Christmas

So here it is - the year after Nmother died on Christmas Day, Christmas is different, sans NFOO, spent with my daughter and loving siblings, cooking, eating, opening presents, enjoying each other's company, happy to be together and no longings for what could have/should have/might have been.  It was lovely - we got to talk to my son, who I miss dreadfully, but it was great to see him via iPhone.  This is the way Christmas is meant to be, I think - kind of messy, visiting dogs semi-traumatizing resident cats, too many people in the kitchen, waaay too many dishes, people pitching in to chop, mix, find yet another bowl, pour the wine, do the dishes, nag a nephew about his smoking, laugh and talk and share life together.  I was afraid that the sibling who believes that she and Nmother had a good relationship would want to talk about Nmother, but she didn't - I think she knows that other loving sibs have a completely different read on Nmother's mothering style and doesn't want to go there - I'm OK with that!  It's not the past that's important - it's today, now, living our lives openly in front of each other that's important - being real, being ourselves, being open to the world and to each other.  Of course, I'm writing this at 3 in the morning, so I haven't been able to escape all of the NFOO repurcussions - the drowning dream still plays periodically - this one was a bit more traumatic than usual - the room was filling with water and there was a glass ceiling that I was trying to break with a wooden stool - and then I realized that the floor above was also flooded - AACK!  Woke up freaked out, but was able to calm myself rather quickly - made some tea, read for a while, and I'm getting tired again without feeling like I don't want to close my eyes and have that awful dream again...  So there've been a few bumps, but mostly I've really enjoyed this Chrismas and look forward to more holidays that don't evoke past NFOO nonsense, holidays that are set up to bring people together instead of making half of the people feel less than.  Life is good!!!

Residual stuff at Christmas

So here it is, 2:00 am 3 days before Christmas and I'm up and writing a blog post...  Hmmmm...  I think it isn't Christmas that scares most ACoN's - I'm loving the time I'm getting to spend with friends and family - but the memories of Christmas Past! And maybe more than that, the memories of family past that somehow get magnified during this time of year.  My husband and I are staying with our daughter in the mountains of NC - my nephew and his family live nearby (offspring of MW and with the same behavior patterns), as does MW.  I'm not seeing any of them and I'm happy with that decision.  LS3 is in town and we've spent some wonderful time together and will spend more over the next few days - we're going to see A Christmas Carol and we'll be attending a Moravian Christmas Eve service.  She and her SO are coming for dinner tonight, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.  LS1 is coming in tonight with her family.  W2 is coming after Christmas for a few days.  All of this is wonderful and exciting.  So why do memories of and anxiety about the Others keep creeping in? Because I'm enjoying myself with the family who loves me?  Because I still carry guilt about not wanting to be involved with people who at the very least dislike me?  Because I don't want to be on the receiving end of lecturing, scolding, and condescension and it feels "wrong" to do anything about that?  Whatever it is, it has to go AWAY!  This is MY life and I get to make decisions about who I want to spend time with and what behavior I'm willing to tolerate (or not tolerate).  The farther I am from WWW, her FM's, and MW physically and emotionally, the better off  I am.  LS3 is still connected to MW, so I keep reminding her that my life is none of MW's business and that a relationship with me is dependent on her not carrying information to MW.  I think she's good.  W2 is connected to WWW, the Flying Monkeys, and MW and he is engaged to a woman who is pretty histrionic and very invested in the perks that MW offers, so there is no safety there.  When they come, we're going to stay very busy seeing the sites.  I love him, but I can't trust him not to carry information - and I certainly can't trust her.  MW asks a lot of questions "out of concern" - she's not really looking for information to use as weapons, you see - or to pass on to WWW and the Flying Monkeys, her enforcers - she's just all about concern for others....  Yeah.  I believed that for a long time and gave her a "pass" that went waaaaaaay past its due date.  It's taken a long time to realize that MW stepped into the maternal role early - there weren't any adults in the house and someone had to take the job!  But she learned at Nmother's knee - she does the same shaming, blaming, scolding behavior that Nmother did and she apparently can't stop doing it.  She also gaslights - sending WWW and her Flying Monkey to do the dirty work for her, while looking all the time like the person who's trying to keep the family together.    This is my first Christmas since I've declared Independence from the NFOO- I'm happy with the decision to go NC with those who continue to treat me badly - I'm delighted that I have siblings who love me and treat me respectfully - and I'm hoping that this residual anxiety/guilt/worry will disappear as I get healthier and stronger in my new self!!!  There !  Having sorted that out in my head, hopefully I can now get some sleep!!!  Good night!

Reclaiming COLOR!

Someone I know only a little came over for Christmas dinner before we left - she's a sweet, kind woman and I enjoyed getting to know her a little better. I showed her some of the things I've been weaving and she said, "Oh, you have such a wonderful sense of color!" Oh, my - I almost said, "No, you must have me confused with Nmother, WWW, the Flying Monkeys, or MW" but I didn't. I said, "Thank you." I've thought for most of my life that I don't  have a good sense of color and experimenting with color in my weaving has been a little stressful - I'm enjoying the results, but getting started with more daring colors has been slow. Nmother chose a lot of beige until later in her life. MW also dresses in a lot of neutral colors. Beige, in NFOO, seems to be a sign of sophistication.   When I was young, I wanted COLOR! I loved things that were (in Nmother's words) loud and garish. But pretty!!!! By the time I'd graduated high school, I was convinced that I had absolutely no taste, no sense of fashion, and certainly no color sense. So I've spent most of my adult life not wearing "loud and garish" colors, colors I love. Now I'm living in S. America and the indigenous women here get away with color murder!!! They dress sooooooooo beautifully, not minding which colors they put together as long as they're bright, gorgeous colors - and it works for them!!! I think I can make it work for me. I want to have beautiful, bright, luscious colors for my clothes - I've ordered some fabric online and I'm going to have some dresses made when I'm down another size - I've chosen a beautiful soft yellow silk and a tangerine color linen - can't wait to have them made! This is another piece that I'm reclaiming - I love color!!!

Introverts and N's

We're on our way home for Christmas.  We have an overnight stopover in this terrific city, but my spouse is sick and needs to rest, so I'm catching up on blogging.  Read a great article today on being an introvert:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sophia-dembling/nine-signs-that-you-might_b_2251932.html#slide=1849756.  Now, I'm a LOUD introvert - I do like to throw parties, I LOVE having people in for dinner, I enjoy long cups of coffee with close friends, and I'm able to get up and speak in public with fear but without terror.   That said, I also need a lot of quiet time - and I think the author got it right when she said that an introvert's brain is always occupied - not always well occupied, perhaps, but occupied.  I've been known to jump high when someone walks into a room when I'm thinking - I get lost in my head pretty quickly.  For most of my life, I thought I was an extrovert - I wasn't shy, which I confused with introversion.  I think that being an extrovert was expected in my NFOO - we were a crowd unto ourselves and there were no boundaries, so therefore no privacy- tough on an introvert.  So I functioned like an extrovert, but with a LOT of anxiety - I think that may be one of the reasons that my anxiety has abated - now I take time for me, I weave and think without talking to anyone, I make quiet spaces in my life for me.  When the kids were little, I'd get up really early so that I'd have some alone time before the day began.  Now I have all the time I need to be alone, to think.  This, of course, was frowned on in NFOO - my grandmother used to say that I was "book smart" but didn't have common sense - this isn't true at all, but I think she didn't like that I went away into my head a lot.  Trying to escape to a quiet place was really frowned on in my NFOO - it seemed that noise and chaos were the order of the day,probably to keep other things at bay...  Even now, when everyone gets together, it's about laughing hysterically and "having fun" - lots of noise and chaos still.  I don't really know how many of my sibs are introverts - I suspect that most of us who've been ousted are - but I suspect that  at least one of the Flying Monkeys is, too.  But I think it's difficult to be constantly available for supply when you're an introvert - , probably another source of the anxiety that plagues this group. 

I love food!

I started this post a while ago and got distracted... 

All my life, I've had a love/hate relationship with food - Nmother was very thin and was obsessed with looks.  I was a "chubby" toddler and have fought weight forever, usually with Nmother sabotaging my efforts - snide comments, baking lots of goodies, disparaging looks, etc.    I'm no longer fighting - and I'm losing weight.  I'm eating better than I've eaten in my entire life, I eat more food than I've ever eaten,  I'm enjoying food tremendously, and I eat whenever I'm hungry.  What a concept!! And this is the very first time in my life that I've lost weight without becoming frightened - I used to think I'd become afraid because Nmother was thin and Nmother was a "victim" , but of course, Nmother wasn't really a victim at all, although she played the part with vigour.   I think now that it was because Nmother wanted only the WWW to be as thin as she was, to properly reflect her glory.  (MW was also thin, even as a child, but she was "too" thin -  what makes the GC delightful is a flaw if it shows up in another child - how N!)  So with all those horrifically mixed messages about weight, it's little wonder that I've struggled my whole life and mostly lost the battle.  Now I see food as good, healthy, fun - not my enemy, not to be avoided, not to be eaten sparingly, not to be feared, but to be enjoyed!  Like every other relationship in my life, my "relationship" with food was twisted by NFOO.   I'm now eating an anti-inflammatory diet, I'm losing weight, I'm LOVING cooking and eating this food, and I'm pain-free for the first time in my life.  What's not to love?

Good enough

So we're leaving for the States on Wednesday- actually, we're flying to a local city tomorrow and then leaving Wednesday.  This kind of deadline usually creates frenetic activity for me - and this one is, unfortunately, no different!!!   Had friends over for dinner last night, which was a lot of fun, and got the house cleaned for the housesitter (except the refrigerator - AACK!), and finished most of the weaving for Christmas presents - except one.  And this morning, that almost caused a panic attack. I'm doing one very complicated weaving - and without a deadine, this would be fine - but I'm just not going to get it done in time and that'll have to be OK.  I've just begun to really see that this constant focus on doing everything perfectly is also the product of living in the NFOO.  Perfection is demanded of those who've been ousted - no excuses, no grace given if perfection isn't achieved!  I've always thought of this before as an inborn trait - this was the way I was - but it isn't who I was meant to be. Life will go on smoothly without everyone I love receiving a handmade gift!  Life will continue if I use the wrong inflection or have the wrong facial expression when saying something!  I can be tired and cranky and no one's life will be ruined by it!  It's amazing to me how enslaved I've been to doing everything right - what a phenomenal waste of time.  And what a stressful way to live.   I've always watched my words, my actions, my facial expressions when I'm around them - and now that I'm NOT around them, I can relax into my own life - I can be good enough instead of perfect.  Amazingly, as this dawns, I feel myself becoming more me.  I'm spending more time on me, I'm taking care of me, and I'm not allowing others to trample my boundaries. I'm spending time now with people I really WANT to spend time with and it's delightful.  I try not to bemoan the lost time, but to just enjoy the new life I've been given - what a blessing!!!

50-50

Hmmmm...  So I think I need help with this one.  It seems that many of the relationships I have are not 50-50 relationships.  Yes, I know that at any given moment, most relationships are askew, but over time, I think healthy relationships tend toward 50-50 on average.  When I need help, you help; when you need help, I help.  I call to talk to you, you call to talk to me, etc.  Looking over my relationships, you guessed it - I feel more responsible for relationships than many of the people with whom I'm in relationship.  This makes me really sad, and brings up all kinds of worthiness issues and shame issues.  Which means it has to be dealt with.  Let me give some examples: 1.   A close relative promises to call on a certain date - he doesn't call, nor does he email to say that he couldn't.  That was 2 days ago and I still haven't heard anything. (This is a pattern.)    2.  If I want to speak with LS2, I have to call him.  I can't remember the last time that he initiated contact.

I have a feeling that this isn't normal - that if these people really wanted a relationship with me, they would reach out to me and not always wait for me to contact them.  I know that my past behavior has given them some sort of implicit permission to assume that I'm the one who will initiate contact no matter the circumstances, but this has to change.  I think I have to give up being viewed (by myself as well as others) as the one responsible for all relationships!  I think this was part of my familial role - I wasn't worthy of relationships, so if I wanted relationships, I was the one who had to do all the work.  AACK!  Surprisingly, this makes me feel sad, angry, shamed - but not anxious.  Hmmm..  A major piece appears to have fallen off the radar.  I have to begin viewing myself as worthy of having healthy, loving, caring relationships - with both parties being responsible for that relationship. 

There - now, of course, the hard work of acting on it and being willing to "risk" relationships- being willing to risk the anxiety of losing a relationship with someone I love, but who may not have the same feelings towards me.  I think there's always, in the back of my mind, the myth that if you love someone enough, you can somehow "make" them love you back!  (Wonder where I got that idea from!?)  I know intellectually that you cannot make someone love you - but I think my actions have sent the message that I'm so desperate for relationship that I'll do anything - even take on all the responsibility for the relationship - because I love you and I know that if I try hard enough, hang in there long enough, you'll love me back.   So far it's not working.  Time to try something new - like valuing myself enough not to continue to view relationships this way, not to view myself this way. 

The rest of the story - I do have some loving, healthy relationships and they're a joy to me!  It's so wonderful to NOT feel like I have to do all the work, that the other person is as fully committed to the relationship as I am, to feel like I can call on that person for help and not feel that I'll be rejected because my "role" is to the be helper, not the helpee, to know that contacting me is not a chore they perform but that they really want to talk to me and share their lives with me.  These are the relationships I value and delight in.  I've spent waaaaaay too much energy on the other kind of "relationship" which isn't really "relationship" at all - and that ends today. 

Life is mostly good

In a week, I'll be heading home for Christmas - hurrah!!!  It'll be nice to spend time with my daughter and visit with friends - and have no contact with NFOO.  My life is so much calmer without WWW, the Flying Monkeys and the MW.  My sister-in-law forwarded an email from the MW - very saccarine, take-care-of-yourselves on the anniversary of Nmother's death (Not - "I'm going to see this grief counselor" but "You might want to see the grief counselor " - she's above even grief!)  I've asked SIL not to forward any other emails - these missives say so little and mean less, but are full of "wise advice" and mild admonishments - enough!!!!  There's a reason that I'm NC with MW!  And lots of other acronyms!!

I've been weaving a lot - it's so relaxing (except when I work with mohair) and I'm really enjoying it!  Have some Christmas gifts to finish - I'll include some pictures after the holidays.  Every day I learn more about this wonderful art - and get bolder with the yarns!  It's so amazing not to hear the voice in my head that tells me that I'm not artistic, that I don't have a good sense of color, that I have no sense of style.  I'm glad that voice has been silenced!  I'm also working on taking better care of myself - also not strongly encouraged by Nmother.  Tonight, I made a facial mask with some moistened red clay and when it was dry, I washed it off first with water and then with coconut oil - my face feels so good!  The Whole 30 diet is so amazing- my skin feels better generally, my joints and muscles don't ache, I'm losing weight - what could be better?   I get to do a lot of walking here - and I love it!  I'm going to join a gym after the holidays- the walk to the gym alone should be a LOT of exercise - it's way at the top of a huge hill - and while you exercise, you can look out over the city - ah...   

All in all, life is good.  Tomorrow I weave, go out for lunch with a friend, and go to the doctor to get a prescription for my anxiety meds - I was a Girl Scout leader for years and know about being prepared!!!