I raised myself in the company of two of the nuttiest people ever to live. Needless so say, my maturation was delayed (although I appeared older than my years from a young age) by lack of parental guidance - and worse, by strange and often perverse pseudo-parental messages. Consumed by their obsession with each other, finding fault with every other person on the planet, and believing that their progeny were there only to bring them glory, they were hardly the stuff of any child's fantasy- but they inspired me to fantasize about other parents, my "real" parents, who might just come and find me one day. (I've mentioned in a previous post that the WWW often told me that I had been adopted - difficult to believe since I looked so much like Nfather, but a child can hope...)
So I fantasized the perfect parents - and it turns out that they were a hard act to follow. It's pretty clear that I was a significantly better parent than my parents - but the bar was remarkably low. A chimpanzee is likely to be better at parenting than the Nparents were. But the fantasy parents - they were good! They held me on their laps, they tucked me in at night with stories and songs, they comforted me when I was sick instead of locking me in a room, they listened to how my day was, they made my favorite foods, they asked about who I was dating, they didn't call the police when I was out late, they told me I was pretty, they got to know my spouse, they liked my kids - you get the idea. They were more real than my real parents were! And I imagine that if they messed up, they apologized. Goodness - they were never mean-spirited, they never had a bad day, they never raised their voice or became impatient. See??? A hard act to follow.
But it gets worse - I saw a train wreck of a marriage, so I fantasized the perfect marriage. I never saw decent grandparenting, so I fantasized that, too - the whole array of human relationships was created in my head and I had to live up to some really remarkable expectations! I wonder if all N's did this to survive living in so much dysfunction. I remember driving in the car as a child and looking into windows and wondering if those people were happy and how "happy" looked. I didn't go to other children's homes very often - we weren't allowed to bring people home, so I could never ask anyone back. (And really, it was too scary, too - the Nparents were a bit volatile and Nmother couldn't tolerate having her house messed up by children - or anyone else, for that matter.) The more I write about this, the more I wonder how I survived these people at all!
Fantasy helped me survive - but it also kept me in the mess longer than was good for me - I fantasized that it was possible to have real relationships with my Nparents, with my Nsibs, even with some of my sibs who aren't N's, but struggle also, I think, with fantasy. Let's all pretend that..... we're close..... we're a normal family..... any of us got out unscathed....
it wasn't so bad... only some of us were "hurt" by the family... being horrible to each other is normal... bullying doesn't exist in our family... Nfather was the only problem.... Nmother was a saint.... Nmother was a victim of the abusive Nfather... This could go on forever - family mythology is strong and when you give it up, you're an outcast. This is one thing I think I'm at the end of, finally - there is nothing to go back to. I have one sister, a couple of friends with whom I need pretty strong boundaries, and a lot of scarey aquaintences.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Invisibility
Invisibility is one of my superpowers. My friends called me out on it in college - I could be at a party and no one would remember seeing me there. Good thing I never needed an alibi... They asked me how I did that - and I wasn't sure then, but I know now. Part of the answer is that I'm an introvert - a loud introvert, but still an introvert. Parties with lots of people I don't know are anathema to me, and I tend to get lost in my head a good bit. But a bigger part is that I'd learned early that standing out, being visible to Nparents was NOT in my best interests. If I wanted any sort of life at all, any space to think and dream, I had to stay under their radar. I watched and waited for the chance to escape their constant needs - I hid in the attic, in an old barn near our house, in trees, in fields, in neighbor's houses, by the river, wherever I could. I hid in books, in schoolwork, in school activities. And finally, I could escape in plain site. They just did not see me. It's a truly amazing superpower, but one I need to get rid of... The invisibility cloak is no longer working in my favor.
This skill is more easily used with N's - they tend not to see anyone else unless they need Nsupply. And with so many sibs, Nsupply was always close at hand - one child gone missing wasn't terribly noticeable. After the Nparents separated in their 80's, Danielle and I were the only two people who talked to Nfather - he'd burned many a bridge... At one point, I convinced my brothers that they should visit Nfather. I went with them and the visit ranks as one of the most uncomfortable hours of my life - Nfather spent the entire hour recounting all the wrongs done to him in his life. Honestly, he barely breathed between accusations. I'd promised my brothers that we'd leave in an hour, so we got up and said our goodbyes at that point. The next day, Nfather called me and told me that my brothers had visited him and that they hadn't spoken to him at all in the time they'd been there. I told him that he hadn't shut up the whole time they'd been there and he asked me how I could possibly know that. I reminded him that I'd been there as well and he said that that wasn't true, that I hadn't been there and why was I lying about that? Honestly. (I'd had him checked for dementia shortly before this, so it can't be blamed on that...)
There were lots of other incidents in which I attempted to call him to accountability (see previous post) and he'd claim that I couldn't know something because I hadn't been there - and I had been there. I once had an argument with Nmother in which she said, as a justification for not behaving in an equitable way, "I just didn't even think of you, (Pearl)."
And such is the life of the Lost Child. I learned not to ask for anything, not to demand acknowledgement even of my presence. I've been working on this for a while- staying completely present, engaging in a wholehearted (and whole brained) way. But old habits are hard to break - and I think this may be one reason that no one (except one dear friend and her granddaughter who do not go to my previous church) came to visit when I was home-bound. I tend to do things behind the scenes (as introverts do), I've always helped out in small ways - cleaning up after dinners, coffee time, etc., serving on committees and doing work that others don't usually acknowledge - designing signs, business cards, flyers, designing and printing event tickets, handing out maps, writing up the minutes, selecting tables and chairs, collecting money for events, making huge batches of food for events., etc. Not exactly things that get one noticed, but things that needed doing. But I think it's made me invisible there. The Help. Aack.
This skill is more easily used with N's - they tend not to see anyone else unless they need Nsupply. And with so many sibs, Nsupply was always close at hand - one child gone missing wasn't terribly noticeable. After the Nparents separated in their 80's, Danielle and I were the only two people who talked to Nfather - he'd burned many a bridge... At one point, I convinced my brothers that they should visit Nfather. I went with them and the visit ranks as one of the most uncomfortable hours of my life - Nfather spent the entire hour recounting all the wrongs done to him in his life. Honestly, he barely breathed between accusations. I'd promised my brothers that we'd leave in an hour, so we got up and said our goodbyes at that point. The next day, Nfather called me and told me that my brothers had visited him and that they hadn't spoken to him at all in the time they'd been there. I told him that he hadn't shut up the whole time they'd been there and he asked me how I could possibly know that. I reminded him that I'd been there as well and he said that that wasn't true, that I hadn't been there and why was I lying about that? Honestly. (I'd had him checked for dementia shortly before this, so it can't be blamed on that...)
There were lots of other incidents in which I attempted to call him to accountability (see previous post) and he'd claim that I couldn't know something because I hadn't been there - and I had been there. I once had an argument with Nmother in which she said, as a justification for not behaving in an equitable way, "I just didn't even think of you, (Pearl)."
And such is the life of the Lost Child. I learned not to ask for anything, not to demand acknowledgement even of my presence. I've been working on this for a while- staying completely present, engaging in a wholehearted (and whole brained) way. But old habits are hard to break - and I think this may be one reason that no one (except one dear friend and her granddaughter who do not go to my previous church) came to visit when I was home-bound. I tend to do things behind the scenes (as introverts do), I've always helped out in small ways - cleaning up after dinners, coffee time, etc., serving on committees and doing work that others don't usually acknowledge - designing signs, business cards, flyers, designing and printing event tickets, handing out maps, writing up the minutes, selecting tables and chairs, collecting money for events, making huge batches of food for events., etc. Not exactly things that get one noticed, but things that needed doing. But I think it's made me invisible there. The Help. Aack.
N = Lack of Accountability
CS got me thinking about N's lack of accountability. I think that when defining the traits of narcissism, the very first trait listed must be lack of accountability, not taking responsibility for behavior. I attempted for years of my life to call my Nfather to accountability - I begged, pleaded, yelled, cried, cajoled, demanded, all to no avail. He couldn't admit anything he had ever done - his classic line was, "I never called you a son of a bitch, you son of a bitch." Really. I remember that, as a young child, I conspired with a sibling to figure out a way to put Nfather's tape-to-tape recorder into the warming oven to capture the things he said during dinner, things that he would later deny having said. Because we couldn't figure out how to plug it in without the cords being visible, the plan failed miserably - and just because there was evidence, it doesn't mean that he wouldn't have denied it, anyway.
And this was a man who "hated a liar." Yet if his lips were moving, he was lying. The accusation of lying is the NFOO's greatest character assassination. Anything that is said contrary to the NFOO belief system is a "lie." And that's that - hard to refute, because if you've just told a "lie", you are a "liar" and you can't be trusted. It handily reinforces the "No Talk" rule - you may speak out, but since you're a liar, no one has to listen. And the wheel turns...
Both of my Nparents are deceased - the death of my mother and the Nnonsense at her deathbed released me from the power of the NFOO. I have Nsibs, but I've gone NC with 3 sibs and LC with 4 others. I no longer have any desire to hold anyone accountable for anything except to honor the boundaries that I've at long last erected to protect myself from Nnonsense. Calling me a liar or explaining to me that my "perception" of events is invalid no longer has the power to hurt or confuse me. People raised by Nparents hold strongly to role-related interpretations of the NFOO - I get that now and if they want to hold tightly to that, it's their prerogative, just as it's mine to abdicate my role and live a full, rich life, free of my dreadful role.
When I write about progress, it sounds easy - it's not. Every step has been filled with hurt, anger, sometimes despair, tears, grief, longing, and finally something that looks like peace. And then it's on to the next piece... I'm getting better at not giving in to despair, at realizing that there will be an end point, at knowing that I'm getting stronger and more resilient, at accepting who I really am separate from my NFOO-given role. It's quite a process and I'm glad that I'm finally, finally, getting comfortable in my own skin, feeling like I belong in the world.
And this was a man who "hated a liar." Yet if his lips were moving, he was lying. The accusation of lying is the NFOO's greatest character assassination. Anything that is said contrary to the NFOO belief system is a "lie." And that's that - hard to refute, because if you've just told a "lie", you are a "liar" and you can't be trusted. It handily reinforces the "No Talk" rule - you may speak out, but since you're a liar, no one has to listen. And the wheel turns...
Both of my Nparents are deceased - the death of my mother and the Nnonsense at her deathbed released me from the power of the NFOO. I have Nsibs, but I've gone NC with 3 sibs and LC with 4 others. I no longer have any desire to hold anyone accountable for anything except to honor the boundaries that I've at long last erected to protect myself from Nnonsense. Calling me a liar or explaining to me that my "perception" of events is invalid no longer has the power to hurt or confuse me. People raised by Nparents hold strongly to role-related interpretations of the NFOO - I get that now and if they want to hold tightly to that, it's their prerogative, just as it's mine to abdicate my role and live a full, rich life, free of my dreadful role.
When I write about progress, it sounds easy - it's not. Every step has been filled with hurt, anger, sometimes despair, tears, grief, longing, and finally something that looks like peace. And then it's on to the next piece... I'm getting better at not giving in to despair, at realizing that there will be an end point, at knowing that I'm getting stronger and more resilient, at accepting who I really am separate from my NFOO-given role. It's quite a process and I'm glad that I'm finally, finally, getting comfortable in my own skin, feeling like I belong in the world.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
No more crutches!
Got the OK today from the doctor today to lose the crutches - well, except if my foot hurts. I can live with that. I'm supposed to go slow (difficult) and build up to walking a lot. Being somewhat impatient, I was really hoping for some long river walks, but I'm waiting, I'm waiting. But I can get up to answer the phone, I can go to the kitchen to get a drink of water without giving it a lot of thought, I can take a shower without dread, and I can put things away without using the wheelchair. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow! I find myself standing on one leg, doing the weird limp thingy that you do on crutches, and I look around for the crutches before I get up. This will pass - and, as a good friend told me, I may even forget which foot I broke at some point... That would be nice.
I have to spend some time mulling the care issue - why am I not help-able? Are the people right who say that our culture is getting increasingly narcissistic and very few people help anymore? Or is it that there are Helpers and Others (or Givers and Takers) and being a Helper doesn't qualify you for help? Or am I in a particularly unhelpful community? Why am I invisible to the church like I was to my NFOO? Right now, I feel like God's red-haired stepchild and it's uncomfortable and sad.
I have to spend some time mulling the care issue - why am I not help-able? Are the people right who say that our culture is getting increasingly narcissistic and very few people help anymore? Or is it that there are Helpers and Others (or Givers and Takers) and being a Helper doesn't qualify you for help? Or am I in a particularly unhelpful community? Why am I invisible to the church like I was to my NFOO? Right now, I feel like God's red-haired stepchild and it's uncomfortable and sad.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Caring 101
I think the next step in recovering who I am is to figure out why I am the kind of person that people don't feel the need to take care of. (That was a bit convoluted.) I've already mentioned that no one from my church has been to visit. One person called, but said that we'd get together when I was better. I've gotten that from a number of people - "Call when you're better and we'll go out for coffee." Really??? Even people I consider good friends (and who know what's going on) haven't visited or called. The old messages - that I'm not worthy of care or love, that I'm strong enough to manage on my own, that other people need care more than I do - keep resurfacing. And then I look at my situation:
- I fell and broke a bone in my foot and foolishly hobbled around on it for a week before I had an x-ray.
- Then after the x-ray, I discovered that my hand was so badly bruised that I couldn't use the left crutch, so I hobbled around with one crutch, resulting in the bone shifting.
- I've spent the last 3 weeks with my foot up, or using both crutches (still with a lot of hand pain until this week) and a wheelchair to get around. All this to avoid having surgery, which the doctor said is the next step if the bone shifts again.
- I live with a spouse with dementia - who has really tried to take care of me as much as he can. He has difficulty walking, talking, swallowing, planning, standing for any length of time, etc. He's in a daily care facility 3 days a week because I have to spend all of my time monitoring him when he's here.
- We haven't been to church for 6 weeks.
- The church we've been going to has a pastor who's into hospice and palliative care (important new concepts in a developing nation) and although I could have used some help (and company), I'm not, after all, dying.
So - I don't think my expectations are overwhelming - a visit, a call, a connection. (The pastor called 4 weeks in and said to call him if I needed an errand run...) Oh, and another person called when she got back to town and told me that we should get together when I was better. Aack. Now, I know that I have an aversion to telling people a lot about my life and that I don't ask for much because it wasn't acceptable in the NFOO to have needs. And I think that I somehow come across as a person who is strong and capable and can handle everything herself - that was part of my role, to not have needs, to handle things, to manage... I really don't want to be that person anymore. I'm OK with being strong and capable - I've been dealing with a disabled spouse for a long time - but sometimes I need someone to help me out, too.
The next step... As Gilda said, "It's always something."
P.S. When someone in the NFOO did/does something nice for someone, they extract/ed a huge price for it. I haven't accepted anything from anyone in my NFOO except from LS1 and W2 - with them, there's no weird payback expected. I think I'm really, really cautious about accepting anything from anyone - hmmmm....
- I fell and broke a bone in my foot and foolishly hobbled around on it for a week before I had an x-ray.
- Then after the x-ray, I discovered that my hand was so badly bruised that I couldn't use the left crutch, so I hobbled around with one crutch, resulting in the bone shifting.
- I've spent the last 3 weeks with my foot up, or using both crutches (still with a lot of hand pain until this week) and a wheelchair to get around. All this to avoid having surgery, which the doctor said is the next step if the bone shifts again.
- I live with a spouse with dementia - who has really tried to take care of me as much as he can. He has difficulty walking, talking, swallowing, planning, standing for any length of time, etc. He's in a daily care facility 3 days a week because I have to spend all of my time monitoring him when he's here.
- We haven't been to church for 6 weeks.
- The church we've been going to has a pastor who's into hospice and palliative care (important new concepts in a developing nation) and although I could have used some help (and company), I'm not, after all, dying.
So - I don't think my expectations are overwhelming - a visit, a call, a connection. (The pastor called 4 weeks in and said to call him if I needed an errand run...) Oh, and another person called when she got back to town and told me that we should get together when I was better. Aack. Now, I know that I have an aversion to telling people a lot about my life and that I don't ask for much because it wasn't acceptable in the NFOO to have needs. And I think that I somehow come across as a person who is strong and capable and can handle everything herself - that was part of my role, to not have needs, to handle things, to manage... I really don't want to be that person anymore. I'm OK with being strong and capable - I've been dealing with a disabled spouse for a long time - but sometimes I need someone to help me out, too.
The next step... As Gilda said, "It's always something."
P.S. When someone in the NFOO did/does something nice for someone, they extract/ed a huge price for it. I haven't accepted anything from anyone in my NFOO except from LS1 and W2 - with them, there's no weird payback expected. I think I'm really, really cautious about accepting anything from anyone - hmmmm....
Friday, July 11, 2014
Engulfing/distant Nmothers
I've been reading a lot of posts lately that were written by daughters of engulfing Nmothers - so different from my experience that it almost seems like a different personality disorder. Although my NFOO was enmeshed to a ridiculous degree, Nmother was extremely distant, cold, unattached to her children, and so obsessed with Nfather and his behavior that we were all a distant, distant, distant second. The GC, of course, received a lot of attention, but we can hardly call that love and we all know what that attention led to...
I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me - until W1 decided to "model parenting" for her (when Nmother was in her 80's) and explained that she should say this to her children. It was the weirdest thing - she said it, but it never went seemed to mean anything to her. It was a bit like telling a child to apologize - the result is never quite right. It was a bit off, like when a smile doesn't reach the eyes.
When I was in high school, I started to call Nmother the "Ice Queen" - she really did have the lip-pursing, one eyebrow raised, stop you from across the room stare down. The woman had 7 daughters and took no joy in them at all. None. She had to be the thinnest, the prettiest, the most elegant, the most sophisticated female in attendance. Of course, she also had to be the quintessential farmer's wife, the most down-home of them all. It created some distressing dissonance. Who was she, really? Which persona was going to be dominant in any given situation? I don't think she could possibly teach any of us how to discover who we were - she'd never done it herself.
Her relationship with Nfather was perplexing to me - one minute, she was nobly defending him - he had a lot on his mind, he worked hard to support us. And the next minute, she was poring out all the things he had ever done wrong, blaming him for ruining her life, for not getting along with her family, for her not having a career, etc. There was a time I remember when she'd talked for hours one night about how she couldn't take it any more, she was thinking of leaving him, she didn't know how she'd survive (Mind you, there was no mention of how her children were going to survive!). The next morning I said something to her about Nfather and she slapped my face and told me that I should show some respect for my father. Very confusing to a 15-year-old. Those long talks around the kitchen table never revolved around my angst - they were always about hers.
So "engulfing" she was not - she didn't hug or kiss anyone past babyhood - and even babyhood was foreshortened by the arrival of yet another sibling. She spanked, slapped, shamed, belittled, and terrorized her children. Her flip-flopping was epic - was she elegant or country? was she pro-Nfather or anti-Nfather? (This affected us a lot - her being pro-Nfather meant that she'd report all "bad" or "childish" behavior to Nfather so that he could abuse us.) Every parental task was a visible hardship for her - she brushed our hair to the point of real pain, going shopping with her ranks amongst my worst memories, and even putting children to bed seemed to bring out the harpy in her. From my point of view as a child, she wanted nothing more than to get away from us as quickly as possible. (The irony of this is that when Ngrandmother left her money in her will and she could have left, she didn't.)
I've read enough and talked to enough ACON's to know that there's no such thing as a good Nmother, that the type doesn't matter - the problems are a bit different, but the root is the same and the result is the same. Shaming is shaming, no matter how it's done. Not loving is not loving, no matter if some Nmothers want to appear loving. Their daughters end up feeling unloved, unwanted, shamed, blamed, angry, confused, and with a lot of shit to work through. Here's to getting to and through that hard work!
I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me - until W1 decided to "model parenting" for her (when Nmother was in her 80's) and explained that she should say this to her children. It was the weirdest thing - she said it, but it never went seemed to mean anything to her. It was a bit like telling a child to apologize - the result is never quite right. It was a bit off, like when a smile doesn't reach the eyes.
When I was in high school, I started to call Nmother the "Ice Queen" - she really did have the lip-pursing, one eyebrow raised, stop you from across the room stare down. The woman had 7 daughters and took no joy in them at all. None. She had to be the thinnest, the prettiest, the most elegant, the most sophisticated female in attendance. Of course, she also had to be the quintessential farmer's wife, the most down-home of them all. It created some distressing dissonance. Who was she, really? Which persona was going to be dominant in any given situation? I don't think she could possibly teach any of us how to discover who we were - she'd never done it herself.
Her relationship with Nfather was perplexing to me - one minute, she was nobly defending him - he had a lot on his mind, he worked hard to support us. And the next minute, she was poring out all the things he had ever done wrong, blaming him for ruining her life, for not getting along with her family, for her not having a career, etc. There was a time I remember when she'd talked for hours one night about how she couldn't take it any more, she was thinking of leaving him, she didn't know how she'd survive (Mind you, there was no mention of how her children were going to survive!). The next morning I said something to her about Nfather and she slapped my face and told me that I should show some respect for my father. Very confusing to a 15-year-old. Those long talks around the kitchen table never revolved around my angst - they were always about hers.
So "engulfing" she was not - she didn't hug or kiss anyone past babyhood - and even babyhood was foreshortened by the arrival of yet another sibling. She spanked, slapped, shamed, belittled, and terrorized her children. Her flip-flopping was epic - was she elegant or country? was she pro-Nfather or anti-Nfather? (This affected us a lot - her being pro-Nfather meant that she'd report all "bad" or "childish" behavior to Nfather so that he could abuse us.) Every parental task was a visible hardship for her - she brushed our hair to the point of real pain, going shopping with her ranks amongst my worst memories, and even putting children to bed seemed to bring out the harpy in her. From my point of view as a child, she wanted nothing more than to get away from us as quickly as possible. (The irony of this is that when Ngrandmother left her money in her will and she could have left, she didn't.)
I've read enough and talked to enough ACON's to know that there's no such thing as a good Nmother, that the type doesn't matter - the problems are a bit different, but the root is the same and the result is the same. Shaming is shaming, no matter how it's done. Not loving is not loving, no matter if some Nmothers want to appear loving. Their daughters end up feeling unloved, unwanted, shamed, blamed, angry, confused, and with a lot of shit to work through. Here's to getting to and through that hard work!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Forbidden anger
Going NC with members of my NFOO was easy when I was really angry about the treatment I received at their hands. And really feeling the anger was good for me - is good for me. Anger in the NFOO was an emotion only for certain people - the rest of us were relegated to the territory of hurt, confusion, and sadness. Anger was stuffed, ignored, verboten. It was terrifying because of the way N's deal with their anger - rage, shaming, blaming, physical violence, threatening behavior, bullying, etc. My own anger was scary to me - and acting out of anger was part of my flea-ridden self. Now that I'm more centered, anger isn't so scary anymore. I can acknowledge it and not feel the terror, confusion, and sadness that I used to feel in its presence - most of the time.
That doesn't mean I'm going to change the NC status of any of my NFOO members - boundaries are boundaries and some of my Nsibes just can't get that boundaries are actually good things... But it's not anger anymore that's keeping NC in place - it's a way of taking care of me. It's a way to make sure that I'm safe, that I'm in charge of my boundaries, that I can be who I'm supposed to be in the world, that I'm role-free. This is wonderful because I don't want to be that very angry person that I was at the beginning of this process - mostly because that anger keeps me tied to them and I'm aching to be free of them, of the role they so badly want me to play. I want the joy and peace that being a member of the NFOO deprived me of, I want resilient boundaries, I want my very own life with realistic goals and crazy dreams, with loving, caring friends and family with their own strong boundaries. I want to be able to argue with friends and family and not worry about destroying the relationship, I want to trust that those who say they love me actually have my best interests at heart as I do theirs - I want a normal, healthy life.
And I know that I'm making progress because I no longer cry when I'm angry - talk about confused emotions! For most of my life, I cried when I was angry and it confused me as well as other people. But it makes sense in terms of the NFOO. Anger was forbidden in the NFOO except for N's and their ilk. So I'd hide it under tears. See? I'm not really angry - I'm just sad... (Tears were forbidden as well, but were less awful than anger. Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils.) Well, that's over. Now I cry when I'm sad and don't cry when I'm angry - it's OK to feel it now. Anger is a normal human emotion for everyone, not just those who use it as part of their manipulative repertoire. Anger's a useful emotion, but for N's, it's often the only tool in their emotional toolbox - and you can't build loving, caring relationships with just one tool.
That doesn't mean I'm going to change the NC status of any of my NFOO members - boundaries are boundaries and some of my Nsibes just can't get that boundaries are actually good things... But it's not anger anymore that's keeping NC in place - it's a way of taking care of me. It's a way to make sure that I'm safe, that I'm in charge of my boundaries, that I can be who I'm supposed to be in the world, that I'm role-free. This is wonderful because I don't want to be that very angry person that I was at the beginning of this process - mostly because that anger keeps me tied to them and I'm aching to be free of them, of the role they so badly want me to play. I want the joy and peace that being a member of the NFOO deprived me of, I want resilient boundaries, I want my very own life with realistic goals and crazy dreams, with loving, caring friends and family with their own strong boundaries. I want to be able to argue with friends and family and not worry about destroying the relationship, I want to trust that those who say they love me actually have my best interests at heart as I do theirs - I want a normal, healthy life.
And I know that I'm making progress because I no longer cry when I'm angry - talk about confused emotions! For most of my life, I cried when I was angry and it confused me as well as other people. But it makes sense in terms of the NFOO. Anger was forbidden in the NFOO except for N's and their ilk. So I'd hide it under tears. See? I'm not really angry - I'm just sad... (Tears were forbidden as well, but were less awful than anger. Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils.) Well, that's over. Now I cry when I'm sad and don't cry when I'm angry - it's OK to feel it now. Anger is a normal human emotion for everyone, not just those who use it as part of their manipulative repertoire. Anger's a useful emotion, but for N's, it's often the only tool in their emotional toolbox - and you can't build loving, caring relationships with just one tool.
And I 'm back
I'm back to being a public blog... Someone I love was concerned and until she felt some peace about this being public, I took it down. She'd actually told me to open it back up sooner, but I thought it wouldn't be amiss to give it some time.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
One more day
Everything - absolutely everything - has to be re-assessed in light of knowledge about narcissism. The Nparents, the nsiblings, the various roles we all had and how that affects relationships from now on, the p/a spouse, the friends, the church - even God. Seeing life through the haze created by narcissism is over - clarity is a bit overwhelming. Embarrassment about not having seen this sooner comes up periodically and threatens to shut everything down, but so far I've gotten past that. I can see why people get part way through this and pull back - it's hard and it's scary and I really hope that I get to the other side soon.
So periodically I have to review - where I started, where I am now. And I'm making progress. I have much better boundaries with the NFOO, with friends, with my spouse, with the world generally. I'm doing much less negative self-talk. My anxiety level is way down, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm exploring who I was meant to be and how I'm going to achieve that. I'm following through on things that are important to me, and I'm getting rid of things that are important to others, but aren't mine to do. I'm living more in the day than in the past or future. All in all, my life is better today than it was a year ago, so it makes sense to continue one more day. One more day - I can do that.
So periodically I have to review - where I started, where I am now. And I'm making progress. I have much better boundaries with the NFOO, with friends, with my spouse, with the world generally. I'm doing much less negative self-talk. My anxiety level is way down, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm exploring who I was meant to be and how I'm going to achieve that. I'm following through on things that are important to me, and I'm getting rid of things that are important to others, but aren't mine to do. I'm living more in the day than in the past or future. All in all, my life is better today than it was a year ago, so it makes sense to continue one more day. One more day - I can do that.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Rant
OK, so this will possibly end up as a rant. I've noticed that organizations of any sort- corporate, educational, or religious - that use the expression, "We're family," often have the very same structure as a dysfunctional NFOO. I've worked for some seriously dysfunctional schools and a massively dysfunctional financial corporation and I've been involved in at least one church that I couldn't wait to leave. Now, I've also been involved in a couple of absolutely delightful, we're-family-in-the-real-sense-of-that-word, blessed churches that have fed my soul. And I'm sure you've guessed that this post is NOT about those two churches - but that sounds like a marvelous idea for another post...
The back story - I've been involved in the development of a new church. My spouse and I were asked to be on the Planning Committee and agreed because we felt that we could be of use. Before we joined, a pastor had been chosen who appeared to be a strong leader who laid out some basic rules for the committee that we were happy with - short meetings once a month, decisions by consensus, sticking to an agenda. We are a group of people who have been involved with a number of denominations and we agreed that we would be tolerant and supportive of other people's beliefs. And it worked for a while. Then the pastor invited a woman to join us who had other ideas about how we should be - suddenly we were having twice a month meetings that went way over time, that included non-agenda items "because they're important," and decisions were made that were not arrived at by consensus. We were discussing drapes and runners and all sorts of things that I consider superfluous in the creation of a church, and unilateral decisions were made about what ministries the church would be involved in. I spoke up, but verbal support was lacking and I decided that perhaps I was the odd person out, so I should resign. A dear soul on the committee asked me to reconsider and I did and that lasted for a bi, other people were verbalizing their concerns and ideas - but nothing really changed, and I resigned. I'm still involved in smaller ways - bringing food for after service, counting the offering, helping form a support group for people who are caring for loved ones, taking food to people who are laid up, etc.
So - On June 4, I broke a bone in my foot (Yes, I'm still whining about that - it's a major annoyance...). The pastor knows and I've emailed a few other people in the church. My spouse and I haven't been to church now for 4 Sundays and I have not received one call or visit from anyone in the church. Not one. Not. One. Because my husband is disabled and has dementia, and because I fell in a way that didn't allow me to use crutches for the first few weeks, there were a lot of things we really struggled with. I've eaten more hamburgers (from a local restaurant) and fewer vegetables during the past month than a healthy diet allows. Grocery shopping is impossible for me, so we had to hire a taxi driver to go with my spouse, shop with him, and bring him home. I finally gave in and hired a woman to clean the house for the next few weeks - very hard to do on crutches! I did manage to mop the floors while using a wheelchair - it was a workout, but the floors got clean. Going anywhere with my spouse is a challenge at the best of times. The city we live in has a good bus system, but my husband can no longer take the bus and when we walk, he has to be reminded to take long steps, to use his cane effectively, to lean forward on stairs (with my hand on his back to remind him another way), to watch for the hazards that litter our sidewalks, to look before he crosses the street. He has to position himself carefully before he sits, he coughs a lot and has to be reminded to cover his mouth, etc. He can't carry anything because he's off balance and the cane rhythm gets thrown off. So walking/correcting/reminding while trying to maneuver myself on crutches is well nigh impossible, so we haven't gotten out much.
There's more, but you get the idea. My NFOO ignored me when I was sick (or needed help) and now my church family is doing the same thing. I haven't called and begged for help, but a number of people, including the pastor, know what happened in some amount of detail and I haven't been there for a month - a month! And not one call. My mother's idea of care when I was sick was to put me in a bedroom and close the door, providing only meals and never even coming in to ask how I was doing. (This was her general level of care with all the sibs.) And now I'm in a church that treats me the same way. But this time I'm not waiting around - I've made some calls to find another church "family" that hopefully will use the word the way it's meant to be used - to provide support, care, and nurture to all of its people.
End of rant.
The back story - I've been involved in the development of a new church. My spouse and I were asked to be on the Planning Committee and agreed because we felt that we could be of use. Before we joined, a pastor had been chosen who appeared to be a strong leader who laid out some basic rules for the committee that we were happy with - short meetings once a month, decisions by consensus, sticking to an agenda. We are a group of people who have been involved with a number of denominations and we agreed that we would be tolerant and supportive of other people's beliefs. And it worked for a while. Then the pastor invited a woman to join us who had other ideas about how we should be - suddenly we were having twice a month meetings that went way over time, that included non-agenda items "because they're important," and decisions were made that were not arrived at by consensus. We were discussing drapes and runners and all sorts of things that I consider superfluous in the creation of a church, and unilateral decisions were made about what ministries the church would be involved in. I spoke up, but verbal support was lacking and I decided that perhaps I was the odd person out, so I should resign. A dear soul on the committee asked me to reconsider and I did and that lasted for a bi, other people were verbalizing their concerns and ideas - but nothing really changed, and I resigned. I'm still involved in smaller ways - bringing food for after service, counting the offering, helping form a support group for people who are caring for loved ones, taking food to people who are laid up, etc.
So - On June 4, I broke a bone in my foot (Yes, I'm still whining about that - it's a major annoyance...). The pastor knows and I've emailed a few other people in the church. My spouse and I haven't been to church now for 4 Sundays and I have not received one call or visit from anyone in the church. Not one. Not. One. Because my husband is disabled and has dementia, and because I fell in a way that didn't allow me to use crutches for the first few weeks, there were a lot of things we really struggled with. I've eaten more hamburgers (from a local restaurant) and fewer vegetables during the past month than a healthy diet allows. Grocery shopping is impossible for me, so we had to hire a taxi driver to go with my spouse, shop with him, and bring him home. I finally gave in and hired a woman to clean the house for the next few weeks - very hard to do on crutches! I did manage to mop the floors while using a wheelchair - it was a workout, but the floors got clean. Going anywhere with my spouse is a challenge at the best of times. The city we live in has a good bus system, but my husband can no longer take the bus and when we walk, he has to be reminded to take long steps, to use his cane effectively, to lean forward on stairs (with my hand on his back to remind him another way), to watch for the hazards that litter our sidewalks, to look before he crosses the street. He has to position himself carefully before he sits, he coughs a lot and has to be reminded to cover his mouth, etc. He can't carry anything because he's off balance and the cane rhythm gets thrown off. So walking/correcting/reminding while trying to maneuver myself on crutches is well nigh impossible, so we haven't gotten out much.
There's more, but you get the idea. My NFOO ignored me when I was sick (or needed help) and now my church family is doing the same thing. I haven't called and begged for help, but a number of people, including the pastor, know what happened in some amount of detail and I haven't been there for a month - a month! And not one call. My mother's idea of care when I was sick was to put me in a bedroom and close the door, providing only meals and never even coming in to ask how I was doing. (This was her general level of care with all the sibs.) And now I'm in a church that treats me the same way. But this time I'm not waiting around - I've made some calls to find another church "family" that hopefully will use the word the way it's meant to be used - to provide support, care, and nurture to all of its people.
End of rant.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
There be dragons!
I'm finally at a place where I can identify N's quickly in person. The predatory look is pretty much a dead giveaway. What they say and the look on their face or their actions don't match up. As soon as I see it, I can strengthen boundaries and keep them out. Life is good. Whew. But online.... If we're only seeing words, if we can't match that with looks/actions, how can we tell who's who? N's are sooooooo good with words - they're quintessential con men. (I'm sure there's a gender neutral way of saying that, but I can't think what it might be...) Some N's, of course, identify themselves even with their mean-spirited, abusive words - but since a lot of ACON's are flea-ridden before they begin to heal, it's sometimes difficult to sort out. We ACON's can be a prickly lot and learning to set good boundaries takes a lot of practice.
To admonish someone to be careful online is silly if you can't offer a way to be safe - and since I'm new to open blogging, I have little to offer by way of tips. I'm really dependent on reading faces and body language - I learned that early. I'm one of those people who have to sit with her back to the wall so I can scan a room, always watching for danger, probably the result of being raised by abusive Nparents. I've had a closed blog for a long time - not only to avoid Nstalkers, but also to give myself time to practice what I'm learning without some of the abusive commentary I've seen online. Basic Nnonsense - cyber bullying, junior high stuff. Really, people? Name calling as adults?
For those of us who are intuitive people, who read people primarily using facial expressions, voice tone and body language, the internet is fraught with peril - there be dragons! And I'm really not sure how to deal with it - obviously, one has to avoid the bullies and they're easy enough to spot - anyone who calls a person who's been writing and helping people for years, who supports and encourages people, and whose writing is absolutely chock-full of research a "narcissistic" without any evidence thereof, is nothing short of a fool. And we know the best way to deal with N's and fools - or foolish N's - is to completely ignore them. I know that bloggers get slammed all the time for not publishing/not replying/not feeding the beast, but we KNOW that we have to ignore them in real life - should we treat them differently on the internet? Why give them more credence because they're behind the curtain rather than right in front of us? And why can't the rules of blogging take into account that some responders are narcissists and they are decidedly NOT our audience? I say we should go NC with all internet N's- don't give them air time on our blogs, don't respond in any way - don't invite them in. Period.
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