Alas...

You just can't un-see this.  And once you see it, every relationship ends up, sooner or later, under the microscope.  And honestly, looking the other way to save an unhealthy relationship is just, well, dishonest - and ridiculous if you want to really get better and live an emotionally healthy life and be less stressed and heal yourself - and BE yourself.  I've managed to skirt around the deep issues in this relationship for so long and now here it is - right in front of me, demanding that I look at it, demanding that I really SEE it, demanding that I be honest about the deep pain that this relationship has caused me and the near impossibility that any lasting change can happen because the other person really doesn't care about me at all - not so much from moral failure as from narcissistic wounds in childhood that led to this devastating fear of intimacy.  We had a long talk yesterday, known in the South as a "Come to Jesus" meeting - I laid out what I need (but part of the problem is that any need that I state MUST not be met) and what I will and won't tolerate and then gave a deadline 6 months out, at which point I'll make the decision about continuing the relationship or not.  I really have no hope - we've been over this ground so many times that I can almost predict the outcome and the various excuses for not continuing to work on the issues.  It all comes down to fear- it's immobilizing, it renders one incapable of basic human interaction, it makes flight the option of choice, and (perhaps worst of all) it makes one an emotional invalid - and an emotional coward. It limits the emotions you allow yourself to feel until eventually, you become completely numb and withhold everything from others so that you keep yourself "safe."  It's very sad - and I have no ability to change it.  God knows I've tried.  But you really just can't un-see this... 

Irony

I'm back home and realizing that jet lag can last a long time.  I flew from the West Coast this time and the travel time was 18 1/2 hours - grueling!  I think I could have flown to Australia in that amount of time. Thankfully, I had a good book and I no longer think that I have to talk to my seatmates, so it was mostly a good experience.  And, although one flight was 4 1/2 hours late due to weather and the flight being re-routed, the person who was supposed to meet me was there - hurrah!  But I'm finding that my sleep pattern isn't quite back to normal yet - alas...  Think it's time for Melatonin.

Today I'm starting to weave again - I've had to unpack my yarn since someone was staying in the house and I had to make room for them, so the yarn got consigned to the attic.  It was lovely looking at all the colors and textures again - and I have at least 5 projects that are laid out!  I also brought some equipment from the States that I'm eager to try - lacy edges to scarves and shawls - ah...

Did a lot of boundary practice over the past 2 months - some more successful than others.  Sometimes it was other people stepping over my boundaries and sometimes it was me doing the same to others.  It's hard work and people pleasing gets in the way a lot!  It was more obvious to me now that being an introvert dealing with extroverts is also part of this equation, especially if the extrovert has boundary issues, too.  I'm learning to be more clear with fewer words- and repeating those words over and over, if necessary.

 Having grown up in a "herd", it's been difficult in the past for me to tolerate being alone with myself.  That's changing - I really do like time alone now and find that I have to carve that time out for myself and not feel guilty for doing so.  Weaving is one way that I can do that - it's decidedly not a communal activity.  Being an introvert is an advantage in some ways - and knowing that I'm an introvert is even better. (Being an introvert was NOT accepted in my NFOO,so there are a couple of us that are fake extroverts, which is stressful!)  Now I can take the time to think through a response - I don't feel so much that I have to have an immediate answer, but can take the time to process what I want to say, without worrying that I might appear to be slow-thinking to an extrovert, especially a narcissistic extrovert.  (Being accused of being "stupid" was a customary Nassault in my NFOO - and being "shy" was considered a major character flaw.)  It's weird still to see myself this way, the way I really am and not the way I was conditioned to be so that Nfather in particular wouldn't see me as a pathologically flawed human being - oh, the irony!!