Saturday, October 17, 2015

Time to say good-bye

Dear Friends, it's time to say good-bye.  I won't be posting on this blog anymore, although I will keep it up.  I feel like I've dealt with most of the direct issues of having been raised by N's and having Nsibs.  It seems like some issues just go on and on, however - in an effort not to marry an angry, violent man like my Nfather, I married an angry, emotionally punishing man who resembles my Nmother more than I like to think about...   He is in care now, since he also has Parkinson's and Parkinson's dementia - with that in addition to his diagnosed Attachment Disorder (Yes, yet another personality disordered person...), I really can't take care of him anymore.  He can't listen to me, so I can't keep him safe.

I've spent the past year learning how to be a Non-care-giver (I think this is a new moniker for those of us who've taken care of personality disordered folks our whole lives.)  and I'm not finished yet - I had a moment this week when I actually considered taking him home - I miss my kids soooooo much and I really would like to be closer to them, or at least on the same continent.  My loving sister spent hours with me doing an intervention of sorts, and kept me from behaving recklessly and endangering my mental health yet again.  I'm so grateful for her!

So I'm starting a new blog - livingwithanattachmentdisorderedhusband.blogspot.com.  You're welcome to visit me there!  This is the poem I wrote for the first post:

Love's Last Gasp

I mourn us daily
I grieve the love I gave without return
Spill-over sadness rolls down my cheeks
As I try to check the pain that threatens to take my breath away.
                                                                                   
I ache for a touch
For tenderness and talk of love
The loneliness eats away at my soul
I moan and gasp for enough air to breathe just once more.

Long years of silence
Stingy crumbs dropped at a banquet
Need inspiring mad fury, flashing eyes,
More silence that sucks up all the air, love's last gasp.


I've decided that I'm not ready for a new blog yet - soon, soon, I hope...


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6 comments:

  1. Calibans SisterOctober 18, 2015 at 10:48 AM

    Thank you Pearl, for being there these last few years, for sharing with us, for reading and writing and growing. Like you, I feel as if my blog is "done" now. I'll keep it up b/c I see there are people reading it every day in significant numbers, and if it helps ANYONE, it's worth keeping up. Thank you for the poem, and I wish you all good things as you loosen the last of those strings to your husband. You hung in a long time with no return of warmth or love, and he is now past your help. Wish you a peaceful and beautiful future. love CS

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    1. PearlOctober 23, 2015 at 4:24 AM

      Isn't it amazing how powerful the written word is? People like you, people I haven't ever met in person and probably will never meet have helped me so much to change my life for the better, to realize my worth. Your encouragement has been such a blessing to me - muchisiamas gracias! Wish we could have a cup of coffee and laugh together - you are a special friend!

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    2. Calibans SisterOctober 29, 2015 at 3:29 AM

      Right back atcha darling.

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  2. CZBZOctober 18, 2015 at 4:36 PM

    It's both sad and wonderful when bloggers move on with their lives. It means you stepped up and did the hard thing, learning and writing and integrating some terrible truths about your life. We are lucky, you and me, that we've had the Internet and could write anonymously---even talking about things we never would face-to-face. We can't open up to neighbors the way we can in blogging communities.

    I've been absent from my blog for six months, barely keeping up with the forum. There's a time and a season for everything and now that we have so many sites discussing narcissism and so many psychologists offering guidance (and "experts"), there just isn't the need there used to be. Plus, life changes. People get older and kids grow up and we come to accept that we were never loved the way we hoped to be.

    I love your poem. It speaks to the grief everyone experiences if they were unlucky enough to love someone who was incapable of loving them back. It's so sad to me. Now and then I shed a few tears about such a deep loss. So many years believing and accommodating and forgiving...

    I will check out your new blog and wish you the very best, Pearl...It was nice to hear that your sister helped you work through your guilt, encouraging you to put YOUR mental health and welfare first and foremost. That's so hard to do for caregivers. You now have a reprieve, a gift really, from his criticism and anger. You earned it, Pearl and deserve to be free.

    Hugs and xxxx,
    CZ

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    Replies
    1. PearlOctober 23, 2015 at 4:14 AM

      Thank you for your kind words - it has been wonderful to go through this in the internet age! I can't imagine sharing so much of this with people who just can't understand because they haven't experienced it. You and others who've been through it were such an encouragement to me - honestly, the sadness would have consumed me if I hadn't been able to share it with such lovely people. I realized yesterday that when I'm sad now, I cry differently - not the gut-wrenching, gasping sobs of grief, but just tears. It's kind of nice - a washing away of sadness, not a heartrending upheaval - and my eyes aren't red and puffy for days, a real plus!!! Thanks for all your help with this process!

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    2. Calibans SisterOctober 29, 2015 at 3:34 AM

      I agree, isn't it incredible….I'm so moved by this. CZBZ's blog became literally my lifeline toward a new and different future, one that gave me emo control with respect to my FOO. But not just her blog; writing my own, and then meeting soul sisters, was EVERYTHING. I'm even grateful now for that ridiculous "hazing" I went through by the idiots. Because those who stepped forward to be with me and tell the truth in a way replaced my siblings who never ever stepped up for me against my unfair and emotionally abusive mother. I'm realizing now that somehow what went down with 'the dustup' was a reprise of my entire life with my FOO. Once we're able to turn shit like that into mulch for our own growth, we have learned something real. I have no doubt we'll all check in with each other from time to time, and I"ll leave my blog up for the time being. But I am more grateful than I can ever say to those of you who stood by me, and those of you whom I've learned from. We added some love to this universe, dint we? :-)

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