Memories and New Oddness

I'm in the midst of looking for an EMDR therapist because I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood and the ones I have are awful. I remember winning a science competition in 7th or 8th grade. For some reason, my Nmother was there. Sometime during the day, I had backed into a hot radiator and burned the back of my leg just above my heel -- it hurt like hell, but I didn't tell anyone, especially not my mother - I really was trained not to inconvenience anyone! I do remember feeling sick to my stomach from the pain and trying hard not to let anyone know what had happened. When the awards were given, Nmother put her arm around my shoulders and it felt creepy and wrong - I didn't remember her EVER doing that before and it felt weird, so I moved away from her and got the silent treatment for the rest of the event. I remember my oldest sister, a Winkie, babysitting for the rest of us one night. I can't remember what I did, but I was punished by being yelled at, hit, and sent to bed early. Winkie came in, sat on the bed, and explained that everything she did she did because I was so bad - I accepted this, of course, because it was a recurring message in my childhood - if only I hadn't been so bad, others wouldn't have to scream at me and hit me. In fact, I was an amazingly compliant and obedient child for the most part, with some notable exceptions... I remember climbing the church steeple when the doors were left open during a renovation- it was me and a childhood friend, daring each other to climb higher and higher, up a ladder, over a beam, up another ladder, over another beam until we reached the top - we were so proud of ourselves! Then we saw the nuns heading to the church and we realized that they might be coming to lock the doors- if we didn't want to get locked in, we'd have to get down fast. This is, I think, the very scariest thing I've done in my life - I was terrified! Crawling across those beams quickly was horrific. Kathy kept saying, "You can do it, keep going, you can do it" until we reached the door and crept out into the choir loft just before the nuns arrived at the door downstairs. Although I don't think we convinced them that we were praying, we were lucky to have nuns who understood that parents didn't need to know everything that children did. When I was young, we lived near a river. Although it was a shallow river, we were forbidden to cross over the ice as a shortcut to school in the winter. It was very tempting, though, because our school was just across the river. The long way around took a lot more time - we had to go into town, cross the bridge, and then walk another couple of blocks to reach the school. So one morning when we were running late, we decided to risk it. My older sister went first, then my next oldest sister, then me. I, of course, was the one who fell in. My oldest sister said I should go home and change my clothes, but there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to go back and tell Nmother that I had disobeyed her and crossed the ice. I'd face a lecture from the nuns first. So off I went. Sister Chiara, my wonderful 1st grade teacher, told me that she would call my mother to bring in dry clothes. I remember crying and telling her that my Nmother would spank me - and mostly I remember her eyes getting big while she assured me that she was sure my mother wouldn't be upset. I convinced her, though, and she took me downstairs to the nun who kept house for the convent and she dried my clothes on radiators and gave me hot chocolate and cookies while they dried - and she TALKED to me! It's a bit surprising that I didn't fall in the river every morning... When my Nmother died, my eldest sister wanted each of us to come up with a story about her that we could share - I was amazed and saddened that I couldn't think of a single positive story about Nmother. At the memorial service, I discovered that most of the stories that were shared were about the desserts that Nmother made - apparently, none of us had a lot of positive experiences to share... So sad... Last year, my eldest sister (Winkie 1) asked if she could come to visit, since I currently live Iin a Spanish speaking foreign country and she wanted to take some language classes. After I said yes, she asked if WWW could come with her. Having not yet set firm boundaries, I said yes and then set up a schedule so that WWW and I were never at my home alone. It worked. One morning not long after they arrived, WWW looked and me and asked me if my hair was naturally curly or if I'd had a permanent. I'm 61 years and have struggled with this crazy curly hair since I was born. When I was about 35, I gave up and let it have its own way. I've worn it short and natural for most of the time since (except for the couple of years when I insanely grew it for Locks of Love). WWW is 1 1/2 years younger than I and she didn't know that my hair is naturally curly - go figure!