Today, I was wandering the streets of my city - I had to get something at the market, which I did, and then I just wandered around, watching people, seeing life unfold around me, and I almost cried (Those of you who know me know that I rarely cry in public - in fact, I rarely cry even in front of friends, something I really do have to get over since it's a holdover from my childhood, when crying was just plain not allowed - someone might have to DO something if you cried, so it was verboten.)
The country in which I live is still very family based - there were small groups of people everywhere, going shopping together, heading off (I imagine) to have lunch together. And there were couples - young and old, heads bent together, holding hands, arms linked, arms around each other, laughing - and it made me sooooooo jealous! I think that jealousy is mostly a waste of time, but today it just hit me so hard that I've been "working on my marriage" for so long and with so few real results and I'll still never have what these people I was watching had - someone who loved them, someone who wanted to spend time with them, someone who thought they were precious and wonderful, who brought his soul to the relationship, who wanted to share his life, his thoughts, his dreams, his hopes with them. Yes, I understand that I've invested some of these men with more than they're actually doing, but happiness seems so far out of my reach and I'm trying hard not to stretch so far anymore - there's a real hopelessness in my heart - because I think I've known for a long time that if I don't try anymore it doesn't mean that he'll pick up the slack - it just means that there won't be anything anymore. And I know intellectually that that's better than continuing to strive for what can't be because he just can't do it and it's impossible for me to do everything that two people are supposed to do in a relationship - and that it's grossly unfair to ask it of me... But there's always been just a tiny,tiny part of me that hoped, that thought, that maybe someday, if I worked hard enough, if I sacrificed enough of myself, if I gave it everything I had and then some, that he'd somehow turn and actually SEE me, that he'd suddenly want to meet my needs, that he'd wonder to himself about what I'd like instead of what he'd like to give me - yes, my fantasy life is exceptionally well developed and I'm ready to set it aside, but the sadness is overwhelming. It's the end of a long run, and if I let it go, I'll have a chance to be happy - or at least I'll have a chance to be me, which I think would make me happy.
"But there's always been just a tiny,tiny part of me that hoped, that thought, that maybe someday, if I worked hard enough, if I sacrificed enough of myself, if I gave it everything I had and then some, that he'd somehow turn and actually SEE me, that he'd suddenly want to meet my needs, that he'd wonder to himself about what I'd like instead of what he'd like to give me." Toto, I believed the same in relation to my FOO until one day it downed on me that other people liked me without me having to work hard or sacrifice myself. It is a painful process, mainly because we have invested so much love and so much time. You are right in saying that it is impossible for one person to do everything that two people are supposed to do in a relationship, it cannot be done, maybe for some periods of time but not for the long run. In one of my recent posts I compared relationships to carrying a handbag: each person should carry one of the handles: if you are the only one carrying the handle it isn't really a relationship. What I found when I started "dropping the handle" is that some disappeared completely whereas others realised what they were doing and picked up their "handle".
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs,
Kara
Sorry this reply has taken so long and thanks for the comment, Kara. Part of my hesitation in dropping the handle is that my spouse is now in the early stages of dementia and really can't change at this point - and certainly can't pick up the handle! He's doing a therapy that helps with the contentiousness that almost did me in - so he's not always doing the opposite of what I ask now. The real problem is that he's had difficulty with any kind of intimacy from the start and this just exacerbates it. So what we managed with for so long and with so much energy on my part is now hopeless. So I'm between a rock and a hard place with no hope of rescue. It's an AACK moment...
DeleteNo worries Toto, I know you have a lot on your plate at this time. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's dementia, I can imagine it complicates things hundredfold. I'm also sorry we can't do more to help you but I hope you know that you're in our thoughts and we are here to support you with whatever you have to deal with.
DeleteLots of love,
Kara xxoo
Toto, I feel the same as Kara; had the same feelings about my FOO. But also about men I've been with. I think that women are trained (first by narc parents, then by patriarchal culture) to just do all the work, pick up the slack, put up with too much, settle for less. I'd be willing to bet that many of those couples you saw who looked so happy may have more complicated situations than appearances show (you know that already). I think that if you've put decades in working and waiting for change, for connection, to feel that deep link, and your H has withheld that (for various reasons or excuses), you don't "owe" him anything anymore. If you stay it has to be out of love only now--but even that may not be enough. I learned from my marriage (to a great guy, just not emotionally a good fit for me) that I was never more lonely than when partnered with a man who could/would not keep me company emotionally. To this day I'd rather deal with loneliness from being alone than loneliness from being in a relationship with a withholding man. It replicates every bad feeling I've ever had about my parents, who were world class withholders. My two cents. I know the "investment" of love and time feels huge, and it is; but it's not wasted if you do leave. The fact that you worked so hard for so many years means you could move on with a clear conscious and a clear knowledge that you did all you could. And then some. love CS
ReplyDelete"I was never more lonely than when partnered with a man who could/would not keep me company emotionally. To this day I'd rather deal with loneliness from being alone than loneliness from being in a relationship with a withholding man."
DeleteThank you for putting into words so well what my experience of loneliness was. I've been separated-then-divorced from my NH for almost 9 years and I have not ever been as lonely again as I was in my marriage.
Toto, your pain is so palpable... I have been where you are, and that grieving for the relationship that isn't and probably never was is about the most painful thing ever. But, it is an important part of the path to healing. Coming to grips with the reality of the situation and our feelings about it (in this case an almost overwhelming sense of loss) is the only way to begin to get to the other side of it.
DeleteI think the hardest thing is that when you are in the place you describe in this post, it is hard to see through the fog of what-might-have-been. But the fog will clear -- perhaps it already is doing that... In the meantime, hold onto this: you are loved by very many people, and you have made a positive difference in very many lives.
Hi Lidarose, it's Toto's blog so I don't mean to overstep here, but please feel free to come and comment when/if you want to, on Caliban's sisters. My ex wasn't a narc at all--the opposite. He was too unassuming, he grew up in an alcoholic household and learned to just hold in and backburner his feelings. He's a theoretical mathematician, so he'd disappear into equations and theory. I did all the "emoting" work for us as a couple. Because he wouldn't feel, I felt too much. I was initially drawn to his detachment because I wanted to learn some of it; he was drawn to my expressiveness. This is common with couples who come from very divergent dysfunctional FOOs. I just never felt like he "needed" me. I felt like he could take or leave me (just like my mother). It wasn't true, but it was how I felt, and I was young and hadn't connected the dots to my FOO yet (would take twenty more years!). We just weren't a good match, and I felt like I was dying of loneliness. It was terrible to feel that way in a marriage, and I vowed never to make the same mistake again. To this day, I've not remarried because I won't settle. It's either right or I'd rather be alone, as hard as it often has been.
DeleteToto, forgive me please if I seem like I'm hijacking here. Don't mean to. Love CS
Not to worry, CS - Lidarose is an old and dear friend and I'm sure she'll love your blog.
DeleteThanks, everyone,, for the comments. I have been in a bit of a fog - if you read my replay to Kara's comment, you can see why... Lots going on here!!! But the fog is lifting!!!!
DeleteHi Toto,
ReplyDeleteI hadn't stopped by here in awhile so I had no idea until now what you were going through. First of all, I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to face these decisions after spending so much of your life with a person. I also think you're incredibly brave, for putting this out there so honestly and straightforwardly. That must have been hard to do.
I think CS and Kara are right on with their thoughts. The loneliness of being with someone who is supposed to be there for you and isn't surpasses any other loneliness. And it is impossible to make a relationship work if no one is else is holding the handle.
The most important thing is that you do what feels right and what you think will bring you the most happiness in the long run. I hope you keep blogging about it, as it will help you work through all the issues and, I think, maybe speed up your "path to clarity."
I had not heard of this attachment disorder, but it does sound an awfully lot like narcissism. Whatever you call it, the bottom line is that he is emotionally unavailable. You deserve better, whether from him or from someone else. Maybe he can change, but the only thing completely within your control is to decide how long you're willing to wait for that to happen. There are no right or wrong decisions, only what you want.
My heart goes out to you, and again, please keep writing. You do not have to go through this alone!
Love,
Kitty
Toto--how are you doing down there in Ecuador? Are you OK? This has got to be a very hard time for you. sending best hopes, CS
ReplyDeleteThanks, CS - life is complicated and difficult, but I also have so many wonderful people in my life that I feel blessed - often frustrated, but blessed! We're heading home to help care for my sister-in-law in a week and a half, so life will be more complicated but I get to see loving sibs and help support my brother and his family, so life is good!
ReplyDeleteDoes sis-in-law understand the difficulties you're having with your husband? I'm glad you'll get to see good sibs; just want you to know that even when you don't post, we're thinking about you and hoping (I do at least) that your husband might come to realize how close he is to losing the one really good thing in his life. I watched a new movie last night--"Hope Springs", with Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, about a long-married couple who go to counseling. Excruciating to watch at times, at others funny; great performances by these veteran actors. It did make me think about your DH. I hope you are weaving these days too. Making beautiful art helps soothe the soul. Selling anyting on Etsy yet? love to you, CS
DeleteHi Toto, just a note to say I hope you're ok. I know you're going through exceptionally hard transition and times right now. Hope you are keeping the weaving going. I think of you like Penelope in the Odyssey. Weaving weaving weaving. love CS
ReplyDelete