Temptation

There is a terrible longing to have this over with, to "get on with it", to push it down again, to bury the pain once more, to go into my head and not feel the ache anymore.  It's like most grief - it sneaks up on me when I least suspect it and washes over me like a wave, leaving a vague sadness in its wake.  The wave doesn't knock me over anymore and the sadness feels more like an ache than a stabbing pain, so I know that I'm moving in the right direction, but when will it end?  Fifteen years ago, a dear friend died and I remember the horrible grief that I thought would never end - it did, of course, and when I think of my friend now, it's with smiles tinged with sadness.  I still miss her, the kind of back door friend who chats while making yeast rolls for dinner.  I know that grief wanes and I know that I can't speed up the process - and I also know that if I walk through this with courage, I'll come out on the other side stronger and with a chance at joy.