My spouse, whom I love dearly, is passive/aggressive. I've done
work-arounds for years, compromised (or just gave in) more than was
healthy for me, and learned that anything I wanted or needed would
not/could not be given. " Come here, come here, come here, get away, get
away, get away" was the catch-phrase of our lives together. Obviously,
I'd been well trained in the NFOO to accept this type of treatment and
to keep "working on the relationship." Very one-sided "work" that took
up a lot of the energy I should have been using on me.
I've
asked him for years to get help, but he'd go to see someone for a
couple of weeks and then stop - cured, apparently... When I'd threaten
to leave, he'd make some drastic changes that would last for a few
weeks, then back to same-old, same-old. Then the Parkinson's dementia
started. Oh, my goodness - it's a perfect storm! He can't listen to me
(In fact, he often does the opposite of what I ask), so I can't keep
him safe. I found myself always hyper-alert because I had no idea what
he was going to do next. I'd say the same thing over and over- and I
didn't know which illness was in play at any given moment, but he
couldn't listen.
Finally, I've conceded defeat. He's in
full-time care at a local nursing home. He seems content - the people
there adore him and expect nothing from him, so it works. I'd made
plans to go and see him tomorrow, but there's a football game on that he
wants to watch. It continues, but I'm no longer doing the dance.
Turn, turn, turn!
I'm so sorry for your situation. I understand because my husband is also p/a and almost totally deaf. After 30 years, it's really a battle sometimes to even get him to attempt to understand those issues that are common in a marriage. He's 8.5 years younger than I am, but his condition is very troublesome for those around him...but not him! He's in total denial that anything is wrong. Deaf people seem to live in a world that is of their own making: in other words, they get the isolation that they crave...at least some of them. My dead mother in law had the same situation with her husband, and warned me about what would happen.
ReplyDeletePassive/Aggressive behavior is very hard to deal with. I have a few girlfriends who are PA and I've dropped them. This is a cultivated behavior and they benefit from it always. It is a no win situation from what I have experienced. And...like narcissists, they refuse any therapy.
Lady Nyo
It's lovely to hear from someone who understands! Yes, it's a "no win" for me and an "always win" for him - even though it doesn't seem to make him happy or less anxious. There's waaaaaaay too much similarity to narcissism, which has been very difficult these past couple of years as I've been recovering from Nabuse. I think the dementia is easier to deal with than the p/a stuff. I wonder how many ACON's have married p/a's, thinking they weren't repeating history - only to find that the road wasn't an easy one!
Deletewow....you are right, Pearl. The similarities of narcissism and p/a are there. Didn't realize this until you said this. I think we are sometimes confused by our own situation, but it comes home when we read about someone else's situation. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI think passive aggressive stuff is even harder to deal with than narcissistic behavior. We know and can usually see...after a while, the narcissistic stuff coming towards us...but the damn p/a stuff...well, it's like fighting with the wind. And the passive stuff usually makes them assume a superiority and we feel like fools or bullies because they DON'T respond. That is what I find.
Well, you have my support. It's very hard...but dealing with dementia is even a more frustrating thing.
I don't think that p/a's are ever cured....they assume the attitude towards therapy that rampant narcs do....It doesn't apply to them. Oh, yes it does, but they escape any work or responsibility.
I think p/a's are the most frustrating behavioral disorder there is. Frankly, I try to avoid them when I know what they are...and it takes a while to catch on.....but of course there are people you are tied to teeth and gum.
Hugs,
Lady Nyo
Yup - I remember reading about p/a years ago and the author (whose name I can't for the life of me remember) called it "crazy making." Perfect description!!! My husband has been in long term care now for 2 weeks, and everyone I've seen since then has remarked about how relaxed I look! I think that P/A is based in fear- my spouse is terrified of almost any emotion- feeling it, watching someone else feel it... There's so much anxiety in both P/A and N that it's probably not surprising that they look a lot the same... Thanks for your support - My dear friends are supportive, but I'm also getting a good bit of shame stuff from others - people who haven't experienced my husband this way. If people don't try to get close to him, he's not afraid of them so he doesn't respond like an asshole to them! (You know the drill- the people who love you the most are the ones you have to defend yourself from if you're p/a.) Now I get to go and visit and if he acts badly, I can leave- life is good.
ReplyDeleteHello Pearl,
ReplyDeleteI discovered your blog about a week ago. Hello other commenters suffering pa crazymaking - I know your pain and plan to blog my experience, but that won't be for a long time, as I have other business to attend to atm.
Daddy-dearest is pa, which is insidiously destructive and so sneaky that much damage was done before I even realised what was happening. I always felt bad all the time and could not figure out why.
Malignant narcissist Mum marries totally self absorbed pa Dad and it is like irresistible force meets immovable object in a marriage made in hell. Mum gave Dad the silent treatment and pa Dad ignored it for decades. Imagine being in that toxic environment! Then Mum, after spending and squirrilling away the money brought in by Dad, issued retired Dad with divorce papers after he got his inheritance.
I had long moved out of home and away from all the drama, thinking that Mum was the problem and I felt sorry for Dad until I matured and began to think about things as an adult. Dad glommed onto me after being discarded by Mum and something was not right.
I regret allowing my Father back into my life, as he has made my life miserable with his crazy-making and sabotage in between bouts of totally ignoring me and my needs. Nothing is ever his fault and he insists on making non-apologies along with excuses and justifications, even though this only creates more annoyance. He has no respect for other people's time and refuses to be held accountable for anything.
Even more inappropriately, he parentifies me and refuses to take care of himself and has exploited my caring about him and our relationship. It feels like he is trying to make me pay for how my MN Mum and GC Sister treated him.
He is a lying liar who has allowed the triangulation that Mum started to continue, even though it has been explained to him many times that this is manipulative and in large part is responsible for the estrangement in our FOO. Now that I have figured out what is going on, I am done and in the process of extricating myself from this life-draining abuse.
Red Dress
It's funny how we think about relationships when we're young - my Nfather was the overt narcissist and my Nmother was covert - Nfather was always considered the "problem" and Nmother the "victim" - and it wasn't until much later that I realized that Nmother's impact on my life was soooooooooo much greater than Nfather's! (I could ignore him - her coldness and disdain did much more lasting damage.)
ReplyDeleteExtricating is good - but beware! When you extricate from p/a's, they try everything in their power to get you to come closer - so they can reject you yet again! Dante missed this particular circle of hell... I'm glad that you've seen it and have a plan to get out of the p/a dynamic - it truly is crazy-making.