Whiling away the time

It's very odd to have so much time to do whatever I want to do - and a lot of the time right now, that's just plain old nothing.  I walk a lot, read a good bit, watch movies, go to the mineral baths, have lunch with friends, and just let whatever is happening deep inside work its way into my consciousness.  This is sooooooo new for me that it's sometimes unsettling - but I'm determined to let this happen, to allow myself time to heal, to stop being so busy taking care of others that I forget that I am important, too. It's almost time to start writing again - but not just yet, I think... 

I feel much more centered, much more like I actually belong on the planet and have a right to be here.  I don't have to watch what I say for fear of attack (because I don't really care what N's say or think about me anymore), and I don't have to use a facade of toughness to manage myself in the world - I'm free to say what I need to say and to walk away if I don't think the argument is worth it (which it never is with an N...).  Life is so much better, so much calmer, and I finally feel like I'm in charge of my own life.  I've had glimmers of this before, but it's regular now, an everyday feeling  Ah! 

I'm sure there will be further struggles, but mostly I stay away from N's, and when I do have contact with them, it's fleeting - I'm not interested in dealing with them on a regular basis.  My life, my choice.  Goodness!  I imagine there are people in the world who've always felt like this - what a blessing!  But I'm glad that my Third Age will be indeed be mine, that I'll surround myself with people who love me and whom I love, that the choices I make will be made freely, with my needs recognized as well as the needs of others, and that I'll stay firmed planted on the Earth until it's time for me to leave- please God, I'll have time to enjoy this wonderful life for a while!