When I read Peter Pan as a child, I identified with the Lost Boys - that's what I'd always felt like in my family - Lost... This role also gets called "the invisible child" - and I felt like that, too. I've talked a little about my invisibility in other blogs, but all of this came up again when my eldest sibling came to visit. I tried to explain it to her, but she kept saying that she never thought of me that way - I explained that that's not how it works - you don't say "She's the Lost Child" or "She's the Golden Child" or "She's the Scapegoat" or She's the Hero" or "He's the Mascot." It's all in the way you treat a person.
Finally, a situation came up when we were talking about Nmom's death. (I've talked about this before, too - my "failure to properly greet." ) My sister had told me that the WWW was so upset about my not properly greeting her when I arrived - I explained to my sister (and this should NOT have needed an explanation) that I had just driven 7 hours, slept on the floor of a friend, flown across the country, and then driven 4 hours, all the time believing that Nmother might have already died by the time we got there - I know, I know - at that point it was somehow important...) This sister saw WWW's "pain" at not being greeted properly, but did NOT see my exhaustion - she kept saying, "But you didn't look exhausted..." Really??? How is that even possible? I know that I'm a magnificent specimen of elderly womanhood, but really? I was literally folding in half from exhaustion. But she couldn't see it! That, my friends, is invisible.
Wow. The "greeting" criticism. This is such a classic arrow in the quiver of narcs. Although often, they act like nothing special has happened when YOU show up. Like you, I felt willed into invisibility by my parents. I kept trying to get (and keep) their attention, but it never lasted long. The "lost child." That's now what I am--Lost to them. But not to myself. Like you. xx
ReplyDeleteI think this is such a difficult role to explain - in part, I disappeared just to get the hell out of there. But in part, I was, as you say "willed into invisibilty" by my parents - and, as in most dysfunctional families, by my siblings, who accepted this as my role. I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I've been wearing bright, wonderful colors now for years - Nmother had convinced me that people who are overweight should wear only dark or neutral colors - I've always loved color, but bought the "act invisible" kool-aid. I'm glad that's over!!! I want to be truly visible (more emotionally than physically!) to people I love - if the N's can't "see" me, I'm OK with that!
ReplyDeleteI think our relationship to wearing color does say something significant. For many years I wore way too much black all the time, partly because at that time it was "cool" or "hip" in academia to do so; partly because while my skin was young it made me glow. As I got older dark colors made me look old. But wearing very bright colors still makes me uneasy, as if I were making a bid for attention (issue with me isn't weight, it's height). I think once I can wear any color I like that I'll finally be able to stop all that internal self-judging. And be ok with that. How lovely to read "I want to be truly visible (more emotionally than physically!) to the people I love." What a healthy thing to feel and say! xo CS
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