I found this on another blog and went to the original source, which is www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com. The article is entitled "Immunizing Yourself against Narcissistic Verbal Attacks." I encourage you to read the entire article (the site is listed on the panel at the right since I follow this blog by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.), but here is the part I was especially interested in, since it so succinctly describes flying monkeys:
Don't be surprised at the number of people who follow and are true believers of narcissists. They crave being a member of the inner circle even if they are infrequently thrown crumbs or are honored to kiss the ring of the anointed.They have thrown away their identities, strapped themselves to the narcissist for the E ticket ride. They will do anything to be identified with this person. They believe that he or she is a good human being because of outside trappings and the wielding of power over others.
Wow - that's an excellent description of the FM's in my life, especially the part about being willing to do anything to be identified with this person. Anything. Really. Anything. I think I really do get this now - anything.
More bothersome to me is this paragraph - I really do have the first part about the narcissist - it's the part about the Winkies that makes me sad...
If you have a narcissistic parent you have been through the wars of childhood and prevailed. I am not downplaying the horrendous suffering you have been through. It is incalculable. It often occurs into adulthood. When you know that your parent(s) is a narcissist you have a number of decisions to make. You can control your contact with them despite their protestations and accusations and their spreading gossip and lies about your character. Anyone who doesn't see through these machinations is not going to be someone whom you can rely on or trust. Sometimes good people are fooled by these cunning method actors. Sometimes relatives who took the bait, see the truth and turn around. But you cannot wait for what they might do.
I have two siblings who fit into the category of Winkies - those who protect the WWW and her FM's. Neither of them can see what the Three Weird Sisters do to those who have been Ousted - in fact, the Main Winkie, my eldest sister, accuses us of lying when the WWW's fabrication differs from what we truthfully say happened. (This is done without checking with the Ousted One about what happened - WWW is believed without any evidence at all, which his how she's managed to oust people from the family so efficiently.) The other Winkie has had a trauma bond with one of the FM's since childhood - when I suggested to him years ago that this FM is seriously depressed and that perhaps he should talk to her since she might listen to him, he was surprised even though it was common knowledge in the family - this FM's depression is ever so evident. He's a little obtuse generally and spent the time at our mother's deathbed consoling the always hysterical WWW and her FM's. I would HATE to lose these relationships - really hate it. But I'm beginning to see that the whole purpose of being a Winkie is to keep the status quo and to make sure that you are not a target. Since information is traded like gold in our FOO, I'm really concerned that the WWW and flying monkeys will get information through the Winkies - information that I no long want them to be privy to... This makes me want to cry...
Showing posts with label flying monkeys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flying monkeys. Show all posts
Monday, February 20, 2012
How they operate
OK, so I have to admit that I put that first post out there and waited fearfully for the world to blow up. I've lived for a long time with this fear whispering in my ear that the WWW and her flying monkeys have spies everywhere and that whatever I do can become fodder for the rumoring and lying and gossiping that they are masters of. Not so strangely, my NF always told us that he knew everything we did - we did live in a small town, so it wasn't terribly far from the truth - the thing about narcissists is, they always say enough of the truth to get you hooked into believing the whole lie.
I've been thinking a lot about how my Family Of Origin (FOO) operates - there are basically two families - those ousted by the WWW and the FM's and those still in the fold. When the Main Winkie talks to those of the ousted class, she always says that we're dissing "the family" - as if we weren't IN the family. (And when did "dissing" become a word that adults use in serious conversations?) I think it's time that the Ousted (not a particularly pleasant term) started using "the family" to mean our very selves - a couple of us have given some thought to what we will call the Others-formerly-known-as-family, and we're thinking of some foreign name - although we hate to "diss" any of our international friends. I think it's hysterical that a synonym for family is "division." Maybe we should use that! I know that it's a business term, but this family is serious business... I'll have to run that by my loving sibs. If you have any other ideas, please put them in the comments.
There is peace in this - and I'm sure that, like others once held as emotional hostages by their FOO's, I will eventually relax into my life, no longer worried about the WWW and her FM's and what new lies they've thought up to spread disention. The stories are legion - while my mother way lying in a hospital bed after a stroke, the WWW wanted to rage at one of my loving sibs - the loving sib didn't think the hospital room was an appropriate place to have this discussion, so she said no. At that point, the WWW threatened to do this in front of my ill mother if the loving sib wouldn't go out in the hall with her. At this point, the loving sib went out into the hall - of course, there was a FM with the WWW, and the loving sib decided to use her cell phone to avoid looking at the WWW and her FM's - for some reason, the glaring and hateful looks are an integral part of these crazy rants. After the WWW and the FM had vomited anger all over the loving sib, they accused her of recording the "conversation" on her cell phone and insisted that she delete it. Now I ask you, if you had a normal conversation with someone, would you really care that much if they recorded it? And of course the loving sib had not recorded it - it was just the paranoia of the narcissist. This was reported to the Main Winkie, who called the loving sib and accused her of lying. That's it in a rather large nutshell - try to avoid disention and chaos and you're accused of lying. And I really hadn't considered that the Main Winkie is a part of the process - this has taken me up a bit short. I really have to consider how much information the MW can have about my life - I'm being very careful now to only talk with her about the things in my life that are fun and exciting. Anything else has to be carefully guarded - one whiff of vulnerability and the flying monkeys are on their way!!!
Update 6/16/2014 - The LS1 referred to in this post is not what she had seemed. She's a sibling scapegoat who is apparently pretty conflicted about how she wants to fit into family dynamics. Since she is NC with another LS with whom I have a good relationship, she is no longer speaking with me, apparently. Since I'm no longer attempting contact with those who seem to not want contact, I have done nothing about this. It makes me sad, but sadness no longer dictates what I do within the NFOO.
I've been thinking a lot about how my Family Of Origin (FOO) operates - there are basically two families - those ousted by the WWW and the FM's and those still in the fold. When the Main Winkie talks to those of the ousted class, she always says that we're dissing "the family" - as if we weren't IN the family. (And when did "dissing" become a word that adults use in serious conversations?) I think it's time that the Ousted (not a particularly pleasant term) started using "the family" to mean our very selves - a couple of us have given some thought to what we will call the Others-formerly-known-as-family, and we're thinking of some foreign name - although we hate to "diss" any of our international friends. I think it's hysterical that a synonym for family is "division." Maybe we should use that! I know that it's a business term, but this family is serious business... I'll have to run that by my loving sibs. If you have any other ideas, please put them in the comments.
There is peace in this - and I'm sure that, like others once held as emotional hostages by their FOO's, I will eventually relax into my life, no longer worried about the WWW and her FM's and what new lies they've thought up to spread disention. The stories are legion - while my mother way lying in a hospital bed after a stroke, the WWW wanted to rage at one of my loving sibs - the loving sib didn't think the hospital room was an appropriate place to have this discussion, so she said no. At that point, the WWW threatened to do this in front of my ill mother if the loving sib wouldn't go out in the hall with her. At this point, the loving sib went out into the hall - of course, there was a FM with the WWW, and the loving sib decided to use her cell phone to avoid looking at the WWW and her FM's - for some reason, the glaring and hateful looks are an integral part of these crazy rants. After the WWW and the FM had vomited anger all over the loving sib, they accused her of recording the "conversation" on her cell phone and insisted that she delete it. Now I ask you, if you had a normal conversation with someone, would you really care that much if they recorded it? And of course the loving sib had not recorded it - it was just the paranoia of the narcissist. This was reported to the Main Winkie, who called the loving sib and accused her of lying. That's it in a rather large nutshell - try to avoid disention and chaos and you're accused of lying. And I really hadn't considered that the Main Winkie is a part of the process - this has taken me up a bit short. I really have to consider how much information the MW can have about my life - I'm being very careful now to only talk with her about the things in my life that are fun and exciting. Anything else has to be carefully guarded - one whiff of vulnerability and the flying monkeys are on their way!!!
Update 6/16/2014 - The LS1 referred to in this post is not what she had seemed. She's a sibling scapegoat who is apparently pretty conflicted about how she wants to fit into family dynamics. Since she is NC with another LS with whom I have a good relationship, she is no longer speaking with me, apparently. Since I'm no longer attempting contact with those who seem to not want contact, I have done nothing about this. It makes me sad, but sadness no longer dictates what I do within the NFOO.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)