Predicting High Drama

Yesterday, I decided that just walking away was probably not enough.  I feel the need to make a declaration, to send a letter to each of the Threee Weird Sisters saying that I no longer want any contact and why.  There is so little honesty in my NFOO because of the fear.  So I wrote it, re-wrote it, and re-wrote it again.  I decided to call those of my siblings who will be in the line of fire but  I could only reach one of them.  We had a long talk.  We've all lived so long in the shadow of narcissism, tiptoeing around first our parents and now our siblings that the very idea of acting in a normal, natural way is foreign to us.  We're master strategizers - if I do this, what might happen?  Who's going to get hurt in the process?  Who's going to get the first call and how will the event be twisted and convoluted to make WWW look like the victim or the hero?  No wonder we're so emotionally exhausted!  Narcissists really do suck the life out of you.  I sent an email to my daughter, who lives near MW - I don't want to hurt her relationship with her cousin and his family - and this is certainly a possibility, since MW's job is to protect WWW and her FM's.   Sigh...  This is why I have to go NC - I really do want this nonsense out of my life.

Now for some good news!

Narcissism is kind of like a scab that you keep picking at until it bleeds – it’s time to take a break to focus on the good in life!!!  As you may have guessed if you’ve read the blog from its beginning a few days ago, my FOO is huge!  So I have 3 narcissists, 2 Winkies, and 3 Loving Siblings – with that math, I still have more loving siblings than most people I know!!!  

LS1 (by birth order) has been wonderfully supportive of my efforts to free myself from the dastardly narcissists in my FOO – she’s in the process of doing the same.  We talk, we cry, we regroup, we think it through again, we tell stories, we cry – and around it goes!  We went to our NM’s deathbed and it became very evident that we were indeed dealing with what we thought we had been dealing with – there were narcissists everywhere! When we went back to her home, we walked on the beach, we talked, we cried, we mulled, we laughed, we shopped, we read – and mostly we supported each other in the pain of realizing that this couldn’t go on, that we had to end it.  LS1 is a nurturing, caring, generous, creative, and honest person who had the bad luck of being singled out as the main scapegoat in a large and ridiculously dysfunctional FOO.  The family myth is that she is a drug addict (Who’s projecting here?) who chose to not be a part of the “family” (hereafter known as the Division).  What nonsense!!!  She’s no more a drug addict than I am – but it makes a good story if your adult child chooses to move to CA, a state that my family associates with a great-grandmother who left her husband and ran off with a jewelry salesman – that entire state is now tainted and one who goes there must necessarily be of bad moral character!!  My NM apparently kept this story going until she died – and that information came from my NM’s sister.  LS1 was the first one ousted from the Division – she was an easy target, being in CA and all.  I won’t go into the whole story here, but it involved people yelling and running down the street, a decrepit guitar, a letter on legal letterhead (WWW is married to a lawyer) threatening a law suit, and the stipulation that LS1 was not welcome at any family gatherings until the guitar was returned – which it was.  The story that I was told about the “incident” had none of those components – I got it direct from the mouth of WWW, so this is not a great surprise.  Unfortunately, I was then under the spell of the WWW and I believed her – oh, how sad that makes me!!!  But LS1 forgave me that and we became friends again.  She has kept her chosen family far away from the Division and has a wonderful, creative, intelligent and generally remarkable child, now a teenager with all sorts of gifts who is on his way to healthy independence.

LS2 (by birth order) went No Contact before it was cool!!!  Early on, he realized that Nparents were toxic to his chosen family, especially his children.  He limited time with Nparents more and more as the years went by and his children have grown up to be independent, strong, fun, creative adults who have started healthy, loving families of their own.  I have to admit that I tried to get LS2 to have more contact with MNF and NM and he was gracious and went with me to visit MNF before he died and he also honored W2’s request that he visit NM before she died.  He is an honorable man who is married to a completely remarkable woman. I wish I had followed his lead earlier and shut out the craziness.  LS2 was ousted from the Division by WWW and her FM’s with the help of MW at the time of MNF’s death.  (That is a mouthful of acronyms – sorry!!)  Apparently, when they were cleaning out MNF’s house after his death, LS2 got tired of being ordered around by WWW and her FM’s and said so.  Well this, as you know, is anathema to narcissists and WWW got on the phone to round up a bigger posse than she already had – she actually called LS1 and me, people she had already ousted, and tried to convince us that LS2 had been violently angry and she was terrified of him!!!  Imagine a witch being afraid of a mere mortal!!  Well, that didn’t work, but apparently she got the FM’s and MW onboard and that was all she really needed.  At NM’s deathbed, LS2 acted with dignity and restraint and made sure that his family was safe in the midst of chaos.  NM spoke to him long after she was supposed to have been beyond speaking, so WWW and her FM’s will try to make him pay for that – it’s only a matter of time, but LS2 has proved that he is able to deflect the incantations effectively!  (Update 6/16/2014- LS2's lovely wife died this year, and all kinds of Ntraits showed up in this sibling- his wife had told me that LS2 is a narcissist, but I was loathe to believe it. )
 

LS3 (by birth order) has somehow always been a target for WWW and her FM’s – she is the youngest and the family dysfunction hadn’t improved, certainly, over the years, but it’s hard to believe that children can be as horrifically brutal as these children were to their youngest sibling.  And nothing has changed – as middle-aged women, they are still brutal, nasty, vicious, cruel, and generally jealous of this wonderful sibling.  Who knows why?  Having been raised by Nparents (I almost said “wolves”), they were certainly not trained to be loving, giving, kind, and generous, but it does seem like their behavior is beyond the pale.  LS3 is a beautiful, gifted, creative woman who is currently an entrepreneur, successfully building a business and a life of her own.  She was in the midst of moving to our home state to help our NM transition into assisted living when the last stroke hit.  Now, you’d think that this would be a welcome relief to WWW who had been the primary caregiver for NM when she was living in a retirement community and who was going back to work temporarily because her successful lawyer spouse was apparently not bringing in enough money to support her in the style to which she has become accustomed (Ok, I can hear the bitterness in that statement, too…).  But NOOOOOOOOO – WWW and her FM’s actually made even this out to be an awful thing that LS3 was doing – how dare she come in and act like she was in charge?  How dare she write emails and help NM SKYPE to keep in contact with her children and make it look like SHE was the one taking care of NM when everyone knew it was really WWW who had given up her life (back of hand to forehead, please) to help her NM??  How dare she, indeed??? LS3 took a lot of flak and just kept on going – our little Energizer Bunny!!!  She saw what NM needed and was prepared to do what it took even if she was maligned in the process-and maligned she was.  MW chimed in with concern that LS3’s move would affect her job, etc. – a rather obvious move to support WWW without appearing to…  Oh, my – and then the deathbed, where blocking LS3 seemed to be the main game.  At one point, it looked like NM was going to live much longer than anticipated – there had been many predictions of “tonight,” “not much longer,” etc., and LS3 and I realized the NM probably needed a bath.  When I said this to MW, who is a nurse, she offered to go get someone to do this.  I didn’t understand why we needed someone else to bathe our NM when there were so many of us there, so MW asked for some supplies so that we could bathe her ourselves.  Well, you would have thought that we were going to show porno movies in the assisted living room.  WWW and her FM’s, who loved NM so much, ran from the room, acting completely disgusted and horrified – had I known this sooner, we could have bathed her every hour!!  LS3 and I bathed her, rubbed lotion into her poor, dry skin, rinsed her mouth, washed her hair and massaged her head.  She seemed to enjoy it (at this point she had no power of speech) and we enjoyed time with NM without WW and her FM’s hovering over us. (LS3 has gone NC with me - she is apparently upset that I'm in regular contact with LS1, with whom she had a disagreement.  It makes me sad, but I'm no longer letting sadness determine my interactions with the NFOO.)

So there you have it- my loving sibs and their families are a joy to me – and I haven’t yet shared with you the love and joy that I feel for my chosen family!!!  That will have to wait for another day – I’ve used up my writing time today and have to get back to my regular life, which is getting progressively more free and less anxiety-ridden as I live without contact with my woefully narcissist siblings.

Update 6/16/2014 - as you can see from the updates, there isn't quite as much joy as I had then thought - at least, not from this source!  I am no longer in contact with either LS2 or LS3 - I'm not officially NC, but I'm not taking the initiative to contact them.

Living in Oz

I am an adult child of narcissistic parents - I'm soooo adult that I should have written this blog years and years ago, but here I am now, finally at the point of going No Contact with my Three Weird Sisters (The Wicked Witch of the West and her 2 flying monkeys) and wondering how I can manage to have good boundaries in my relationships with the Winkies in the family (protectors of the WWW and the flying monkeys).  Thankfully, I have a couple of wonderful siblings who have my back and with whom I can share my entire life - God is good!  I love The Wizard of Oz, especially since I read a most wonderful post on psychforums that I'd like to share with you:
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic64338.html

This site is a bit difficult to get to, so here is bulk of the post - sorry it's a bit long!  I've edited it to eliminate anything that isn't a reference to The Wizard of OZ. 

Thoughts on *The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists*

by okerry » Sat May 14, 2011 6:31 pm

I do know that there is a book called *The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists*, but IMHO the author really missed the mark on identifying the NPD in that particular story.

The following is just something I thought of while watching *The Wizard of Oz* yet again, while struggling to understand what on earth happened to my NPD ex-husband who had once been such a good man and loving father.

As most people know, the condition of narcissism is named for a character in a Greek myth, Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflected image in a pool and pined away for it until he died. This has led to the idea that narcissists love only themselves, but that’s not exactly what the story means.

Because he was so empty on the inside, Narcissus only existed when he saw himself reflected somewhere else. And that’s how someone with the condition called “narcissism” goes through life: An empty hole on the inside, with no sense of self-worth or self-validation to make them feel whole and human and good. At some point, possibly in response to some loss or trauma or pain, they stopped looking inward to create those things (that takes work) and indeed cut that off completely so that 100% of their validation comes from the outside - from other people (because that seems so much easier and so much more rewarding, the way it's always easier to use a drug to get a quick fix of whatever you're looking for.)

But of course no other person can give them what every human really needs - which is self-worth and self-validation and self-respect - and so narcissists spend their lives as bottomless pits for attention, admiration and validation. And they only end up more and more and more empty, because that sort of pit cannot be filled from the outside. It can only be filled from within.

In *The Wizard of Oz*, our famous four characters search for the things which every human needs: A brain, a heart, courage, and a home. But just like the narcissist, they make the mistake of searching for others who will supply those things instead of looking within themselves and finding what they need on the inside.

The Munchkins represent well-meaning friends who actually encourage the narcissist to search outwardly instead of inwardly. “Follow the yellow brick road!” they say, because the yellow brick road leads you to the someone who, the Munchkins believe, can give you what you seek – namely, it leads to the Wizard.

Glinda the Good represents a true friend who wants to help but knows she cannot, because she understands that she cannot give the characters what they seek and no one else can, either.

The Wicked Witch represents full-blown narcissism run rampant. She is surrounded by evil, misshapen characters like the Flying Monkeys who try to bring her what she wants – namely, attention and admiration that she has not earned – and by thralls, the Winkie Guards, who are enslaved by her cruelty but don’t know how to break free of her.

In the end, the Wicked Witch is vanquished by simply washing her away with honesty and courage. And then the Flying Monkeys are gone and we see that the Guards were not really loyal to her at all.

The Wizard is a fraud, of course, because no one can give you what you must create and nurture from the inside – courage, wisdom and love.

Glinda finally tells Dorothy that she had the power to go home all the time. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Dorothy cries, and Glinda says, “Because you would not have believed me. You had to learn it for yourself.”

And so they did. As we all do.

NPDs spend their lives looking for love and validation from Flying Monkeys and enslaved thralls - who have the power to destroy you and will not care if they do - instead of the NPDs using their own power to simply go home.

In this story, "home" is the place *within yourself* where you will have all the intelligence, love and courage you ever wanted or needed - including people who will love you simply for yourself, as Auntie Em and Uncle Henry and all the other "real" characters loved Dorothy.

That's why there's no place like home.

The Witch wanted the Ruby Slippers, but they were unobtainable for her. That's because the Ruby Slippers represent Home and you must make your own Home - you cannot just take someone else's and expect their home to be yours.

And of course the Flying Monkeys represent the enablers, sycophants, lackeys, toadys, groupies and hangers-on that powerful narcissists and other addicts virtually always attract. The Monkeys are pathetic, unnatural creatures who exist on the crumbs and leftovers of the narcissist but really care nothing for him, because if he's gone they'll just attach themselves to someone else.

I looked at some excerpts from *The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.* The author seems to feel that the Wizard himself represents an NPD.

But the story didn't strike me that way at all.

As I mentioned above, it's our four main characters who represent the NPDs because they're the ones looking for others to supply them with what they need instead of looking inward to find it. And the Wicked Witch represents NPD run rampant at its most destructive.

But the Wizard - now, think about it:

The Wizard is first shown as nothing but an ugly and very angry face, shouting and growling and erupting in fire and fury, living as a recluse and trying to get rid of all these NPDs who keep trying to Get Things From Him.

He's not trying to get anything from anybody. He hides from everyone and tries to get them to leave him alone. He clearly looks to be angry, lonely and suffering.

"GO AWAY!"

"I was hoping the Wicked Witch would kill you and I would never see you again."

"PAY NO ATTENTION to the man behind the curtain!"

No NPD would EVER say such things. They live for constant attention and emotional feeding from others. They are the polar opposite of the Wizard.

To me, the Wizard represents the spouses and adult children of all the charming, sweet-talking, innocent-looking NPDs who have been tormenting them to death for years. There is a lot of talk about “narcissistic rage” from the NPD, but I can tell you that the NPD’s victims often find themselves literally raging and screaming from the extreme frustration and agony of being used as a drug instead of treated like a real human being.

Finally, when the Wizard's true form is revealed as a gentle and quite ordinary man - who is a fraud only in the sense that he cannot give the NPDs what they want any more than anyone else can - he is able to get the NPDs to look inside for what they want, and then he is able to get free of them and go home himself.

It's left to Glinda to help Dorothy with the biggest hurdle of all - understanding where Home really is.

I don't think the Wizard represents a full-blown Narcissist at all. That's The Wicked Witch. The angry, hideous, reclusive and lonely Wizard represents the NPD's tormented and isolated victims.

I was thinking about where Toto figures in the story. I think that because Toto is an animal - a normal, natural animal, not a fantasy creature like the Lion - he therefore represents the kind of innocence and purity of spirit that can never be contaminated by narcissism. He can neither be one nor respond to one.

It is in protecting Toto that Dorothy finds the courage to destroy the Wicked Witch, and it is Toto who reveals that the angry, blustering, supernatural-looking wizard is also a "real" creature who should be treated as such - not merely used as a source of supply for NPDs, which is what left him raging, suffering and reclusive.

When the innocent Toto pulls back the curtain, the Wizard can finally respond to the NPDs as his real self and *then* he is able to get free of them - presumably to go back to a normal, natural world.

The only place where the metaphor doesn't quite hold, IMHO, is that the Wizard actually *is* able to turn around the behaviour of the NPDs simply by pointing out their own positive traits to them and showing them that they didn’t have to go looking for what they needed from someone else – that they would find they had brains, love and courage all along if they would only look within instead of demanding these things from others.

Now, I know that the Wizard of Oz isn't specifically about narcissists and their ilk, but goodness, Baum must have had some personal experience with them since he got it so right!   

My mother died recently and the WWW and her FM's created so much havoc, delivered unto the rest of us so many histrionic scenes, and fostered so much bad feeling with their jealousies, gossip and lying that I've finally decided that I am finished.  I will no longer have any contact with them - I've blocked them from my email, unfriended them on Facebook, and will not answer any sort of correspondence from them.  I have gone NO CONTACT.   I now have to make sure that the Winkies will not share information about my life with them, either - if they will agree to that and I am convinced that they are onboard, I will give them snippets of my life and wait to see the results.  If they can be trusted with those, I will give more - but only as long as I feel that I can trust them.  I really do want my life to be uncomplicated by histrionics.  Period.