I think the next step in recovering who I am is to figure out why I am the kind of person that people don't feel the need to take care of. (That was a bit convoluted.) I've already mentioned that no one from my church has been to visit. One person called, but said that we'd get together when I was better. I've gotten that from a number of people - "Call when you're better and we'll go out for coffee." Really??? Even people I consider good friends (and who know what's going on) haven't visited or called. The old messages - that I'm not worthy of care or love, that I'm strong enough to manage on my own, that other people need care more than I do - keep resurfacing. And then I look at my situation:
- I fell and broke a bone in my foot and foolishly hobbled around on it for a week before I had an x-ray.
- Then after the x-ray, I discovered that my hand was so badly bruised that I couldn't use the left crutch, so I hobbled around with one crutch, resulting in the bone shifting.
- I've spent the last 3 weeks with my foot up, or using both crutches (still with a lot of hand pain until this week) and a wheelchair to get around. All this to avoid having surgery, which the doctor said is the next step if the bone shifts again.
- I live with a spouse with dementia - who has really tried to take care of me as much as he can. He has difficulty walking, talking, swallowing, planning, standing for any length of time, etc. He's in a daily care facility 3 days a week because I have to spend all of my time monitoring him when he's here.
- We haven't been to church for 6 weeks.
- The church we've been going to has a pastor who's into hospice and palliative care (important new concepts in a developing nation) and although I could have used some help (and company), I'm not, after all, dying.
So - I don't think my expectations are overwhelming - a visit, a call, a connection. (The pastor called 4 weeks in and said to call him if I needed an errand run...) Oh, and another person called when she got back to town and told me that we should get together when I was better. Aack. Now, I know that I have an aversion to telling people a lot about my life and that I don't ask for much because it wasn't acceptable in the NFOO to have needs. And I think that I somehow come across as a person who is strong and capable and can handle everything herself - that was part of my role, to not have needs, to handle things, to manage... I really don't want to be that person anymore. I'm OK with being strong and capable - I've been dealing with a disabled spouse for a long time - but sometimes I need someone to help me out, too.
The next step... As Gilda said, "It's always something."
P.S. When someone in the NFOO did/does something nice for someone, they extract/ed a huge price for it. I haven't accepted anything from anyone in my NFOO except from LS1 and W2 - with them, there's no weird payback expected. I think I'm really, really cautious about accepting anything from anyone - hmmmm....
Monday, July 14, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
Engulfing/distant Nmothers
I've been reading a lot of posts lately that were written by daughters of engulfing Nmothers - so different from my experience that it almost seems like a different personality disorder. Although my NFOO was enmeshed to a ridiculous degree, Nmother was extremely distant, cold, unattached to her children, and so obsessed with Nfather and his behavior that we were all a distant, distant, distant second. The GC, of course, received a lot of attention, but we can hardly call that love and we all know what that attention led to...
I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me - until W1 decided to "model parenting" for her (when Nmother was in her 80's) and explained that she should say this to her children. It was the weirdest thing - she said it, but it never went seemed to mean anything to her. It was a bit like telling a child to apologize - the result is never quite right. It was a bit off, like when a smile doesn't reach the eyes.
When I was in high school, I started to call Nmother the "Ice Queen" - she really did have the lip-pursing, one eyebrow raised, stop you from across the room stare down. The woman had 7 daughters and took no joy in them at all. None. She had to be the thinnest, the prettiest, the most elegant, the most sophisticated female in attendance. Of course, she also had to be the quintessential farmer's wife, the most down-home of them all. It created some distressing dissonance. Who was she, really? Which persona was going to be dominant in any given situation? I don't think she could possibly teach any of us how to discover who we were - she'd never done it herself.
Her relationship with Nfather was perplexing to me - one minute, she was nobly defending him - he had a lot on his mind, he worked hard to support us. And the next minute, she was poring out all the things he had ever done wrong, blaming him for ruining her life, for not getting along with her family, for her not having a career, etc. There was a time I remember when she'd talked for hours one night about how she couldn't take it any more, she was thinking of leaving him, she didn't know how she'd survive (Mind you, there was no mention of how her children were going to survive!). The next morning I said something to her about Nfather and she slapped my face and told me that I should show some respect for my father. Very confusing to a 15-year-old. Those long talks around the kitchen table never revolved around my angst - they were always about hers.
So "engulfing" she was not - she didn't hug or kiss anyone past babyhood - and even babyhood was foreshortened by the arrival of yet another sibling. She spanked, slapped, shamed, belittled, and terrorized her children. Her flip-flopping was epic - was she elegant or country? was she pro-Nfather or anti-Nfather? (This affected us a lot - her being pro-Nfather meant that she'd report all "bad" or "childish" behavior to Nfather so that he could abuse us.) Every parental task was a visible hardship for her - she brushed our hair to the point of real pain, going shopping with her ranks amongst my worst memories, and even putting children to bed seemed to bring out the harpy in her. From my point of view as a child, she wanted nothing more than to get away from us as quickly as possible. (The irony of this is that when Ngrandmother left her money in her will and she could have left, she didn't.)
I've read enough and talked to enough ACON's to know that there's no such thing as a good Nmother, that the type doesn't matter - the problems are a bit different, but the root is the same and the result is the same. Shaming is shaming, no matter how it's done. Not loving is not loving, no matter if some Nmothers want to appear loving. Their daughters end up feeling unloved, unwanted, shamed, blamed, angry, confused, and with a lot of shit to work through. Here's to getting to and through that hard work!
I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me - until W1 decided to "model parenting" for her (when Nmother was in her 80's) and explained that she should say this to her children. It was the weirdest thing - she said it, but it never went seemed to mean anything to her. It was a bit like telling a child to apologize - the result is never quite right. It was a bit off, like when a smile doesn't reach the eyes.
When I was in high school, I started to call Nmother the "Ice Queen" - she really did have the lip-pursing, one eyebrow raised, stop you from across the room stare down. The woman had 7 daughters and took no joy in them at all. None. She had to be the thinnest, the prettiest, the most elegant, the most sophisticated female in attendance. Of course, she also had to be the quintessential farmer's wife, the most down-home of them all. It created some distressing dissonance. Who was she, really? Which persona was going to be dominant in any given situation? I don't think she could possibly teach any of us how to discover who we were - she'd never done it herself.
Her relationship with Nfather was perplexing to me - one minute, she was nobly defending him - he had a lot on his mind, he worked hard to support us. And the next minute, she was poring out all the things he had ever done wrong, blaming him for ruining her life, for not getting along with her family, for her not having a career, etc. There was a time I remember when she'd talked for hours one night about how she couldn't take it any more, she was thinking of leaving him, she didn't know how she'd survive (Mind you, there was no mention of how her children were going to survive!). The next morning I said something to her about Nfather and she slapped my face and told me that I should show some respect for my father. Very confusing to a 15-year-old. Those long talks around the kitchen table never revolved around my angst - they were always about hers.
So "engulfing" she was not - she didn't hug or kiss anyone past babyhood - and even babyhood was foreshortened by the arrival of yet another sibling. She spanked, slapped, shamed, belittled, and terrorized her children. Her flip-flopping was epic - was she elegant or country? was she pro-Nfather or anti-Nfather? (This affected us a lot - her being pro-Nfather meant that she'd report all "bad" or "childish" behavior to Nfather so that he could abuse us.) Every parental task was a visible hardship for her - she brushed our hair to the point of real pain, going shopping with her ranks amongst my worst memories, and even putting children to bed seemed to bring out the harpy in her. From my point of view as a child, she wanted nothing more than to get away from us as quickly as possible. (The irony of this is that when Ngrandmother left her money in her will and she could have left, she didn't.)
I've read enough and talked to enough ACON's to know that there's no such thing as a good Nmother, that the type doesn't matter - the problems are a bit different, but the root is the same and the result is the same. Shaming is shaming, no matter how it's done. Not loving is not loving, no matter if some Nmothers want to appear loving. Their daughters end up feeling unloved, unwanted, shamed, blamed, angry, confused, and with a lot of shit to work through. Here's to getting to and through that hard work!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Forbidden anger
Going NC with members of my NFOO was easy when I was really angry about the treatment I received at their hands. And really feeling the anger was good for me - is good for me. Anger in the NFOO was an emotion only for certain people - the rest of us were relegated to the territory of hurt, confusion, and sadness. Anger was stuffed, ignored, verboten. It was terrifying because of the way N's deal with their anger - rage, shaming, blaming, physical violence, threatening behavior, bullying, etc. My own anger was scary to me - and acting out of anger was part of my flea-ridden self. Now that I'm more centered, anger isn't so scary anymore. I can acknowledge it and not feel the terror, confusion, and sadness that I used to feel in its presence - most of the time.
That doesn't mean I'm going to change the NC status of any of my NFOO members - boundaries are boundaries and some of my Nsibes just can't get that boundaries are actually good things... But it's not anger anymore that's keeping NC in place - it's a way of taking care of me. It's a way to make sure that I'm safe, that I'm in charge of my boundaries, that I can be who I'm supposed to be in the world, that I'm role-free. This is wonderful because I don't want to be that very angry person that I was at the beginning of this process - mostly because that anger keeps me tied to them and I'm aching to be free of them, of the role they so badly want me to play. I want the joy and peace that being a member of the NFOO deprived me of, I want resilient boundaries, I want my very own life with realistic goals and crazy dreams, with loving, caring friends and family with their own strong boundaries. I want to be able to argue with friends and family and not worry about destroying the relationship, I want to trust that those who say they love me actually have my best interests at heart as I do theirs - I want a normal, healthy life.
And I know that I'm making progress because I no longer cry when I'm angry - talk about confused emotions! For most of my life, I cried when I was angry and it confused me as well as other people. But it makes sense in terms of the NFOO. Anger was forbidden in the NFOO except for N's and their ilk. So I'd hide it under tears. See? I'm not really angry - I'm just sad... (Tears were forbidden as well, but were less awful than anger. Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils.) Well, that's over. Now I cry when I'm sad and don't cry when I'm angry - it's OK to feel it now. Anger is a normal human emotion for everyone, not just those who use it as part of their manipulative repertoire. Anger's a useful emotion, but for N's, it's often the only tool in their emotional toolbox - and you can't build loving, caring relationships with just one tool.
That doesn't mean I'm going to change the NC status of any of my NFOO members - boundaries are boundaries and some of my Nsibes just can't get that boundaries are actually good things... But it's not anger anymore that's keeping NC in place - it's a way of taking care of me. It's a way to make sure that I'm safe, that I'm in charge of my boundaries, that I can be who I'm supposed to be in the world, that I'm role-free. This is wonderful because I don't want to be that very angry person that I was at the beginning of this process - mostly because that anger keeps me tied to them and I'm aching to be free of them, of the role they so badly want me to play. I want the joy and peace that being a member of the NFOO deprived me of, I want resilient boundaries, I want my very own life with realistic goals and crazy dreams, with loving, caring friends and family with their own strong boundaries. I want to be able to argue with friends and family and not worry about destroying the relationship, I want to trust that those who say they love me actually have my best interests at heart as I do theirs - I want a normal, healthy life.
And I know that I'm making progress because I no longer cry when I'm angry - talk about confused emotions! For most of my life, I cried when I was angry and it confused me as well as other people. But it makes sense in terms of the NFOO. Anger was forbidden in the NFOO except for N's and their ilk. So I'd hide it under tears. See? I'm not really angry - I'm just sad... (Tears were forbidden as well, but were less awful than anger. Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils.) Well, that's over. Now I cry when I'm sad and don't cry when I'm angry - it's OK to feel it now. Anger is a normal human emotion for everyone, not just those who use it as part of their manipulative repertoire. Anger's a useful emotion, but for N's, it's often the only tool in their emotional toolbox - and you can't build loving, caring relationships with just one tool.
And I 'm back
I'm back to being a public blog... Someone I love was concerned and until she felt some peace about this being public, I took it down. She'd actually told me to open it back up sooner, but I thought it wouldn't be amiss to give it some time.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
One more day
Everything - absolutely everything - has to be re-assessed in light of knowledge about narcissism. The Nparents, the nsiblings, the various roles we all had and how that affects relationships from now on, the p/a spouse, the friends, the church - even God. Seeing life through the haze created by narcissism is over - clarity is a bit overwhelming. Embarrassment about not having seen this sooner comes up periodically and threatens to shut everything down, but so far I've gotten past that. I can see why people get part way through this and pull back - it's hard and it's scary and I really hope that I get to the other side soon.
So periodically I have to review - where I started, where I am now. And I'm making progress. I have much better boundaries with the NFOO, with friends, with my spouse, with the world generally. I'm doing much less negative self-talk. My anxiety level is way down, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm exploring who I was meant to be and how I'm going to achieve that. I'm following through on things that are important to me, and I'm getting rid of things that are important to others, but aren't mine to do. I'm living more in the day than in the past or future. All in all, my life is better today than it was a year ago, so it makes sense to continue one more day. One more day - I can do that.
So periodically I have to review - where I started, where I am now. And I'm making progress. I have much better boundaries with the NFOO, with friends, with my spouse, with the world generally. I'm doing much less negative self-talk. My anxiety level is way down, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm exploring who I was meant to be and how I'm going to achieve that. I'm following through on things that are important to me, and I'm getting rid of things that are important to others, but aren't mine to do. I'm living more in the day than in the past or future. All in all, my life is better today than it was a year ago, so it makes sense to continue one more day. One more day - I can do that.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Rant
OK, so this will possibly end up as a rant. I've noticed that organizations of any sort- corporate, educational, or religious - that use the expression, "We're family," often have the very same structure as a dysfunctional NFOO. I've worked for some seriously dysfunctional schools and a massively dysfunctional financial corporation and I've been involved in at least one church that I couldn't wait to leave. Now, I've also been involved in a couple of absolutely delightful, we're-family-in-the-real-sense-of-that-word, blessed churches that have fed my soul. And I'm sure you've guessed that this post is NOT about those two churches - but that sounds like a marvelous idea for another post...
The back story - I've been involved in the development of a new church. My spouse and I were asked to be on the Planning Committee and agreed because we felt that we could be of use. Before we joined, a pastor had been chosen who appeared to be a strong leader who laid out some basic rules for the committee that we were happy with - short meetings once a month, decisions by consensus, sticking to an agenda. We are a group of people who have been involved with a number of denominations and we agreed that we would be tolerant and supportive of other people's beliefs. And it worked for a while. Then the pastor invited a woman to join us who had other ideas about how we should be - suddenly we were having twice a month meetings that went way over time, that included non-agenda items "because they're important," and decisions were made that were not arrived at by consensus. We were discussing drapes and runners and all sorts of things that I consider superfluous in the creation of a church, and unilateral decisions were made about what ministries the church would be involved in. I spoke up, but verbal support was lacking and I decided that perhaps I was the odd person out, so I should resign. A dear soul on the committee asked me to reconsider and I did and that lasted for a bi, other people were verbalizing their concerns and ideas - but nothing really changed, and I resigned. I'm still involved in smaller ways - bringing food for after service, counting the offering, helping form a support group for people who are caring for loved ones, taking food to people who are laid up, etc.
So - On June 4, I broke a bone in my foot (Yes, I'm still whining about that - it's a major annoyance...). The pastor knows and I've emailed a few other people in the church. My spouse and I haven't been to church now for 4 Sundays and I have not received one call or visit from anyone in the church. Not one. Not. One. Because my husband is disabled and has dementia, and because I fell in a way that didn't allow me to use crutches for the first few weeks, there were a lot of things we really struggled with. I've eaten more hamburgers (from a local restaurant) and fewer vegetables during the past month than a healthy diet allows. Grocery shopping is impossible for me, so we had to hire a taxi driver to go with my spouse, shop with him, and bring him home. I finally gave in and hired a woman to clean the house for the next few weeks - very hard to do on crutches! I did manage to mop the floors while using a wheelchair - it was a workout, but the floors got clean. Going anywhere with my spouse is a challenge at the best of times. The city we live in has a good bus system, but my husband can no longer take the bus and when we walk, he has to be reminded to take long steps, to use his cane effectively, to lean forward on stairs (with my hand on his back to remind him another way), to watch for the hazards that litter our sidewalks, to look before he crosses the street. He has to position himself carefully before he sits, he coughs a lot and has to be reminded to cover his mouth, etc. He can't carry anything because he's off balance and the cane rhythm gets thrown off. So walking/correcting/reminding while trying to maneuver myself on crutches is well nigh impossible, so we haven't gotten out much.
There's more, but you get the idea. My NFOO ignored me when I was sick (or needed help) and now my church family is doing the same thing. I haven't called and begged for help, but a number of people, including the pastor, know what happened in some amount of detail and I haven't been there for a month - a month! And not one call. My mother's idea of care when I was sick was to put me in a bedroom and close the door, providing only meals and never even coming in to ask how I was doing. (This was her general level of care with all the sibs.) And now I'm in a church that treats me the same way. But this time I'm not waiting around - I've made some calls to find another church "family" that hopefully will use the word the way it's meant to be used - to provide support, care, and nurture to all of its people.
End of rant.
The back story - I've been involved in the development of a new church. My spouse and I were asked to be on the Planning Committee and agreed because we felt that we could be of use. Before we joined, a pastor had been chosen who appeared to be a strong leader who laid out some basic rules for the committee that we were happy with - short meetings once a month, decisions by consensus, sticking to an agenda. We are a group of people who have been involved with a number of denominations and we agreed that we would be tolerant and supportive of other people's beliefs. And it worked for a while. Then the pastor invited a woman to join us who had other ideas about how we should be - suddenly we were having twice a month meetings that went way over time, that included non-agenda items "because they're important," and decisions were made that were not arrived at by consensus. We were discussing drapes and runners and all sorts of things that I consider superfluous in the creation of a church, and unilateral decisions were made about what ministries the church would be involved in. I spoke up, but verbal support was lacking and I decided that perhaps I was the odd person out, so I should resign. A dear soul on the committee asked me to reconsider and I did and that lasted for a bi, other people were verbalizing their concerns and ideas - but nothing really changed, and I resigned. I'm still involved in smaller ways - bringing food for after service, counting the offering, helping form a support group for people who are caring for loved ones, taking food to people who are laid up, etc.
So - On June 4, I broke a bone in my foot (Yes, I'm still whining about that - it's a major annoyance...). The pastor knows and I've emailed a few other people in the church. My spouse and I haven't been to church now for 4 Sundays and I have not received one call or visit from anyone in the church. Not one. Not. One. Because my husband is disabled and has dementia, and because I fell in a way that didn't allow me to use crutches for the first few weeks, there were a lot of things we really struggled with. I've eaten more hamburgers (from a local restaurant) and fewer vegetables during the past month than a healthy diet allows. Grocery shopping is impossible for me, so we had to hire a taxi driver to go with my spouse, shop with him, and bring him home. I finally gave in and hired a woman to clean the house for the next few weeks - very hard to do on crutches! I did manage to mop the floors while using a wheelchair - it was a workout, but the floors got clean. Going anywhere with my spouse is a challenge at the best of times. The city we live in has a good bus system, but my husband can no longer take the bus and when we walk, he has to be reminded to take long steps, to use his cane effectively, to lean forward on stairs (with my hand on his back to remind him another way), to watch for the hazards that litter our sidewalks, to look before he crosses the street. He has to position himself carefully before he sits, he coughs a lot and has to be reminded to cover his mouth, etc. He can't carry anything because he's off balance and the cane rhythm gets thrown off. So walking/correcting/reminding while trying to maneuver myself on crutches is well nigh impossible, so we haven't gotten out much.
There's more, but you get the idea. My NFOO ignored me when I was sick (or needed help) and now my church family is doing the same thing. I haven't called and begged for help, but a number of people, including the pastor, know what happened in some amount of detail and I haven't been there for a month - a month! And not one call. My mother's idea of care when I was sick was to put me in a bedroom and close the door, providing only meals and never even coming in to ask how I was doing. (This was her general level of care with all the sibs.) And now I'm in a church that treats me the same way. But this time I'm not waiting around - I've made some calls to find another church "family" that hopefully will use the word the way it's meant to be used - to provide support, care, and nurture to all of its people.
End of rant.
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