Forbidden anger

Going NC with members of my NFOO was easy when I was really angry about the treatment I received at their hands.  And really feeling the anger was good for me - is good for me.  Anger in the NFOO was an emotion only for certain people - the rest of us were relegated to the territory of hurt, confusion, and sadness.  Anger was stuffed, ignored, verboten.  It was terrifying because of the way N's deal with their anger - rage, shaming, blaming, physical violence, threatening behavior, bullying, etc. My own anger was scary to me - and acting out of anger was part of my flea-ridden self.  Now that I'm more centered, anger isn't so scary anymore. I can acknowledge it and not feel the terror, confusion, and sadness that I used to feel in its presence - most of the time.

That doesn't mean I'm going to change the NC status of any of my NFOO members - boundaries are boundaries and some of my Nsibes just can't get that boundaries are actually good things...  But it's not anger anymore that's keeping NC in place - it's a way of taking care of me.  It's a way to make sure that I'm safe, that I'm in charge of my boundaries, that I can be who I'm supposed to be in the world, that I'm role-free.  This is wonderful because I don't want to be that very angry person that I was at the beginning of this process - mostly because that anger keeps me tied to them and I'm aching to be free of them,  of the role they so badly want me to play.  I want the joy and peace that being a member of the NFOO deprived me of, I want resilient boundaries, I want my very own life with realistic goals and crazy dreams, with loving, caring friends and family with their own strong boundaries.  I want to be able to argue with friends and family and not worry about destroying the relationship, I want to trust that those who say they love me actually have my best interests at heart as I do theirs - I want a normal, healthy life. 

And I know that I'm making progress because I no longer cry when I'm angry - talk about confused emotions!  For most of my life, I cried when I was angry and it confused me as well as other people. But it makes sense in terms of the NFOO. Anger was forbidden in the NFOO except for N's and their ilk.  So I'd hide it under tears.  See?  I'm not really angry - I'm just sad...  (Tears were forbidden as well, but were less awful than anger.  Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils.)  Well, that's over.  Now I cry when I'm sad and don't cry when I'm angry - it's OK to feel it now.  Anger is a normal human emotion for everyone, not just those who use it as part of their manipulative repertoire. Anger's a useful emotion, but for N's, it's often the only tool in their emotional toolbox - and you can't build loving, caring relationships with just one tool.