I think the next step in recovering who I am is to figure out why I am the kind of person that people don't feel the need to take care of. (That was a bit convoluted.) I've already mentioned that no one from my church has been to visit. One person called, but said that we'd get together when I was better. I've gotten that from a number of people - "Call when you're better and we'll go out for coffee." Really??? Even people I consider good friends (and who know what's going on) haven't visited or called. The old messages - that I'm not worthy of care or love, that I'm strong enough to manage on my own, that other people need care more than I do - keep resurfacing. And then I look at my situation:
- I fell and broke a bone in my foot and foolishly hobbled around on it for a week before I had an x-ray.
- Then after the x-ray, I discovered that my hand was so badly bruised that I couldn't use the left crutch, so I hobbled around with one crutch, resulting in the bone shifting.
- I've spent the last 3 weeks with my foot up, or using both crutches (still with a lot of hand pain until this week) and a wheelchair to get around. All this to avoid having surgery, which the doctor said is the next step if the bone shifts again.
- I live with a spouse with dementia - who has really tried to take care of me as much as he can. He has difficulty walking, talking, swallowing, planning, standing for any length of time, etc. He's in a daily care facility 3 days a week because I have to spend all of my time monitoring him when he's here.
- We haven't been to church for 6 weeks.
- The church we've been going to has a pastor who's into hospice and palliative care (important new concepts in a developing nation) and although I could have used some help (and company), I'm not, after all, dying.
So - I don't think my expectations are overwhelming - a visit, a call, a connection. (The pastor called 4 weeks in and said to call him if I needed an errand run...) Oh, and another person called when she got back to town and told me that we should get together when I was better. Aack. Now, I know that I have an aversion to telling people a lot about my life and that I don't ask for much because it wasn't acceptable in the NFOO to have needs. And I think that I somehow come across as a person who is strong and capable and can handle everything herself - that was part of my role, to not have needs, to handle things, to manage... I really don't want to be that person anymore. I'm OK with being strong and capable - I've been dealing with a disabled spouse for a long time - but sometimes I need someone to help me out, too.
The next step... As Gilda said, "It's always something."
P.S. When someone in the NFOO did/does something nice for someone, they extract/ed a huge price for it. I haven't accepted anything from anyone in my NFOO except from LS1 and W2 - with them, there's no weird payback expected. I think I'm really, really cautious about accepting anything from anyone - hmmmm....
Wow. I am so sorry for your troubles, and even more sorry that nobody in your life is stepping up to take care of you. That's just terrible and wrong.
ReplyDeleteHey, Anonymous - Thank you - you're kind. I do think, though, that just like N's used to be able to spot me as supply, I am somehow sending a message to the world that I'm strong and capable and that I don't need help, thank you very much. It's a holdover from my old NFOO role and I have to figure out how to stop sending that message when I need help. Being in a one-down position has always been scary for me - N's go after you in a heartbeat when you're one-down!
ReplyDeleteGosh, this situation is so stark, isn't it? When the landscape looks devoid of people willing
ReplyDeleteto extend themselves just a little, from time to time, to YOU, even if you're not dying! So much for your pastor. "Call when you're better and we'll go out for coffee"?? are you SERIOUS? You have broken foot! Anyone who calls themselves your friend, who lives within driving distance, should be bringing you coffee and groceries and stopping by at least once a week. That's reality. People seem to get more selfish and better at tuning out what other people need all the time, don't they? Even when something as simple as stopping by for an hour, with some coffee, could make a huge difference. Esp for ACoNs, who can be cheered up immensely by the simplest acts of caring. with you in spirit, Pearl. xo CS
It's sad, really... Thinking you have a support network and then finding out you don't is pretty demoralizing. This has happened once before - my spouse had brain surgery in a different state and since people couldn't visit him in the hospital, we had a pool party before we left and invited everyone to come visit him at home when we got back a week later. Our pastor came, one guy from where he volunteered weekly, 2-3 close friends - and no one else... Thankfully, he was out of it enough that I'm not sure he noticed, but I was appalled. I obviously have to find a different church- or maybe I'll just continue my break from church for a while. I have to find a way to build a caring, loving, thoughtful community around me, taking care of people who love me and who I love and having them take care of me - no more institutions, I think - and no more doing the ACON taking-care-of thing for those who don't love me. Another painful step, but hopefully it'll be another way of taking care of myself. Thanks for your concern and indignation for me!
ReplyDeleteI"m just so sorry for this. Because you have little to no help from any remaining FOO, and its just a struggle to feel so on your own. I think the stepping away from institutions for support network might be a good idea too. Or change churches. I'll tell ya, if you went to a church composed of black southern baptists in the american south, you'd have all the support you could want. If your church involves a lot of upper crusty-expats, though, it's almost always the well-to-do who fail-to-show. I know, there are exceptions, I know I know. But overall I think it's true. If this comment is out of line please delete it, my feelings won't be hurt!!
DeleteHa! I love how you say what you feel! In the midst of all the hurt and sadness, I neglected to tell y'all a couple of good things - LS1 has sent money so that we could do take-out and we've enjoyed a couple of wonderful meals from local restaurants (delivered by taxi). Some delightful friends, who I know would have helped out, were out of the country during this mess - I know they would have helped out because of how they relate to my spouse. They don't act like he's not present.. And I have a truly great Ecuadorian friend who came over with her granddaughter a couple of times to play games - and invited me to the granddaughter's dance recital -- difficult to navigate getting there, but it was a totally delightful experience. I do know that people who don't have a lot are way more willing to share it than those with much - and that may well be part of the problem. I think the bigger problem is probably that the pastor and I have bumped heads, so he's not a fan.
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