Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

OK, this is too cool - I really need the tee-shirt!!  When my recovery started, I spent a lot of time repeating to myself - "This is none of my damn business."  Over and over and over again. It's good to have a humorous way to say it, instead.

Magical Thinking

The childishness of magical thinking seems to stay with many ACON's well past childhood.  I imagine that it's because we were presented with impossible tasks on a daily basis as children and were told that we could accomplish these things if we just tried hard enough - being perfect, never disturbing adults (no matter the pain we were in), taking care of the adults in our families, meeting all of their needs, fulfilling their dreams, etc.  We believed that if we met all of these impossible demands, we would be lovable and the Nparents would finally love us.  Sigh...  Alas, it was not to be - even if perfection were possible, the Nparents wouldn't have been able to acknowledge the feat - it would have diminished them somehow.  No matter how near to the bar you got, the bar always went higher.  When I was a senior in high school, I took physics from a misogynist who didn't think that females needed to take physics.  The four girls in the class banded together and vowed to get the best grades in the class - I worked my butt off and got an A (as did the other three).  I did not, however, do well in Trig and got a C.  When Nfather saw the report card, he immediately noticed the C - and never did see the A.  That was the point at which he ceased to be my parent and I pretty much ignored anything he said to me.

The magical thinking, however, continued - if I worked harder than anyone else, if I gave more of myself than anyone else, if I were more creative or more intellectual or more organized, then I would be loved.  And the criteria just kept growing until I was always under a lot of stress.  This is the "best damn" thinking that was rampant in my NFOO.   Nfather used to say that anything he owned was the "best damn" whatever it was - he had the best damn grill, the best damn breed of cattle, the best damn house.  He bought the best damn bread, the best damn cheese, the best damn bratwurst.  Anything less would have been unthinkable.  Perfection was the only goal available - and apparently, it was possible in things, but his progeny were always deficient.

And there's a part of magical thinking that allows us to think that if we had only done this or that, life would have been great.  If we could just go back and correct the past - if we had been a better parent, spouse, child, sibling, if we had reached out more or accepted more or confronted N's sooner, our lives would have been somehow different.  And then one day, you finally get that the game was rigged - there was no way you could have won it - there's no way they could have loved you because it was never about you - it was always about them and the fact that they were incapable of love.  And that's made all the difference. 

Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.  - Maya Angelou

A verse for ACONs and others who suffer at the hands of N's.

Change is hard

I think one of the hardest things about getting healthier emotionally is looking at all my "old" relationships and realizing how many of them involve me doing most of the work.  I've decided to NOT initiate contact with old friends to see how long it will take for them to contact me.  Looking backwards, I'm appalled at how many "friends" respond to my emails and messages, but rarely initiate.  This is sooooo much a reflection of my NFOO - if I wanted contact, I had to make the first move.  So many of the relationships in my life have been MY responsibility - I've spent way too much time "working on" relationships of all kinds - enough!   I'd happily live as a hermit rather than keep friendships that don't nurture me. 

Disadvantages of getting emotionally healthy

There are some clear disadvantages to getting emotionally healthy - I used to be able to just suck it up and get on with it.  That's getting harder and harder to do.  I've spent an hour crying this morning, knowing that I can't keep taking care of my spouse and wondering how I'm going to manage yet another expense of this horrific disease.  Because of his p/a, he just can't listen to anything I say and I find myself getting more and more frustrated with his antics.  Because he now also has dementia, it's hard to sort out what's what  - and it really doesn't matter, I guess, because the behavior will continue unabated until he dies.  It usually means more work for me, though, and I think I'm past the point...  it's like having a 172 lb. toddler with an attitude.  In the old days, I would have just stuffed the feelings and walked zombie-like through the day, doing what had to be done.  Now I don't want that kind of life - I need to take care of me, too, something I never even thought about before. 

Butterflies!

This was on a friend's facebook page today, and I love it!!!

When I read the last line, I read it in a whisper, with awe!

Taking care of me

My sister-in-law's "Celebration of life" was this past Saturday.  I didn't go - I'm on another continent and I couldn't justify the airfare for a short trip to the US to see a brother who obviously has no interest in a relationship with me - there you have it. I'm sad (about K's death, but also about my brother's lack of a desire for a relationship with me), but it's not that core sadness, the sadness that seems to reach into the very center of you, the sadness that feels like it will destroy your soul.  It's just sadness, and it will pass. 

Taking care of a spouse with Parkinson's, Parkinson's dementia and p/a is stressful and I'm having to look again at how I can survive this - most of our married life has been about him, his needs, his fear of intimacy.  Now it's my turn, but I'm doing it with a load of responsibility and I find myself in a balancing act every single day.  But my first question now is "Is this good for me?" instead of "Is this good for him?"  Thirty-nine years of having your own way seems like enough...  His doctor suggested therapy for him and I've nixed it - we can't afford it and he won't follow through with it - he never has and I haven't seen a change that justifies throwing yet more money at this illness.  I'm considering taking a week long trip and putting him in the care facility where he now spends two days a week.  I need a break!