Taking care of me

My sister-in-law's "Celebration of life" was this past Saturday.  I didn't go - I'm on another continent and I couldn't justify the airfare for a short trip to the US to see a brother who obviously has no interest in a relationship with me - there you have it. I'm sad (about K's death, but also about my brother's lack of a desire for a relationship with me), but it's not that core sadness, the sadness that seems to reach into the very center of you, the sadness that feels like it will destroy your soul.  It's just sadness, and it will pass. 

Taking care of a spouse with Parkinson's, Parkinson's dementia and p/a is stressful and I'm having to look again at how I can survive this - most of our married life has been about him, his needs, his fear of intimacy.  Now it's my turn, but I'm doing it with a load of responsibility and I find myself in a balancing act every single day.  But my first question now is "Is this good for me?" instead of "Is this good for him?"  Thirty-nine years of having your own way seems like enough...  His doctor suggested therapy for him and I've nixed it - we can't afford it and he won't follow through with it - he never has and I haven't seen a change that justifies throwing yet more money at this illness.  I'm considering taking a week long trip and putting him in the care facility where he now spends two days a week.  I need a break!