Residual stuff at Christmas

So here it is, 2:00 am 3 days before Christmas and I'm up and writing a blog post...  Hmmmm...  I think it isn't Christmas that scares most ACoN's - I'm loving the time I'm getting to spend with friends and family - but the memories of Christmas Past! And maybe more than that, the memories of family past that somehow get magnified during this time of year.  My husband and I are staying with our daughter in the mountains of NC - my nephew and his family live nearby (offspring of MW and with the same behavior patterns), as does MW.  I'm not seeing any of them and I'm happy with that decision.  LS3 is in town and we've spent some wonderful time together and will spend more over the next few days - we're going to see A Christmas Carol and we'll be attending a Moravian Christmas Eve service.  She and her SO are coming for dinner tonight, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.  LS1 is coming in tonight with her family.  W2 is coming after Christmas for a few days.  All of this is wonderful and exciting.  So why do memories of and anxiety about the Others keep creeping in? Because I'm enjoying myself with the family who loves me?  Because I still carry guilt about not wanting to be involved with people who at the very least dislike me?  Because I don't want to be on the receiving end of lecturing, scolding, and condescension and it feels "wrong" to do anything about that?  Whatever it is, it has to go AWAY!  This is MY life and I get to make decisions about who I want to spend time with and what behavior I'm willing to tolerate (or not tolerate).  The farther I am from WWW, her FM's, and MW physically and emotionally, the better off  I am.  LS3 is still connected to MW, so I keep reminding her that my life is none of MW's business and that a relationship with me is dependent on her not carrying information to MW.  I think she's good.  W2 is connected to WWW, the Flying Monkeys, and MW and he is engaged to a woman who is pretty histrionic and very invested in the perks that MW offers, so there is no safety there.  When they come, we're going to stay very busy seeing the sites.  I love him, but I can't trust him not to carry information - and I certainly can't trust her.  MW asks a lot of questions "out of concern" - she's not really looking for information to use as weapons, you see - or to pass on to WWW and the Flying Monkeys, her enforcers - she's just all about concern for others....  Yeah.  I believed that for a long time and gave her a "pass" that went waaaaaaay past its due date.  It's taken a long time to realize that MW stepped into the maternal role early - there weren't any adults in the house and someone had to take the job!  But she learned at Nmother's knee - she does the same shaming, blaming, scolding behavior that Nmother did and she apparently can't stop doing it.  She also gaslights - sending WWW and her Flying Monkey to do the dirty work for her, while looking all the time like the person who's trying to keep the family together.    This is my first Christmas since I've declared Independence from the NFOO- I'm happy with the decision to go NC with those who continue to treat me badly - I'm delighted that I have siblings who love me and treat me respectfully - and I'm hoping that this residual anxiety/guilt/worry will disappear as I get healthier and stronger in my new self!!!  There !  Having sorted that out in my head, hopefully I can now get some sleep!!!  Good night!