The day after Christmas

So here it is - the year after Nmother died on Christmas Day, Christmas is different, sans NFOO, spent with my daughter and loving siblings, cooking, eating, opening presents, enjoying each other's company, happy to be together and no longings for what could have/should have/might have been.  It was lovely - we got to talk to my son, who I miss dreadfully, but it was great to see him via iPhone.  This is the way Christmas is meant to be, I think - kind of messy, visiting dogs semi-traumatizing resident cats, too many people in the kitchen, waaay too many dishes, people pitching in to chop, mix, find yet another bowl, pour the wine, do the dishes, nag a nephew about his smoking, laugh and talk and share life together.  I was afraid that the sibling who believes that she and Nmother had a good relationship would want to talk about Nmother, but she didn't - I think she knows that other loving sibs have a completely different read on Nmother's mothering style and doesn't want to go there - I'm OK with that!  It's not the past that's important - it's today, now, living our lives openly in front of each other that's important - being real, being ourselves, being open to the world and to each other.  Of course, I'm writing this at 3 in the morning, so I haven't been able to escape all of the NFOO repurcussions - the drowning dream still plays periodically - this one was a bit more traumatic than usual - the room was filling with water and there was a glass ceiling that I was trying to break with a wooden stool - and then I realized that the floor above was also flooded - AACK!  Woke up freaked out, but was able to calm myself rather quickly - made some tea, read for a while, and I'm getting tired again without feeling like I don't want to close my eyes and have that awful dream again...  So there've been a few bumps, but mostly I've really enjoyed this Chrismas and look forward to more holidays that don't evoke past NFOO nonsense, holidays that are set up to bring people together instead of making half of the people feel less than.  Life is good!!!