I was
conditioned to be a Server of N’s – not the greatest role in the NFOO, but it’s
what I got. This has led to all sorts of
horrors in the NFOO and out of it – I’ve tended toward relationships in which I
did most of the “relating” while the other person was critical of my efforts, which
only made me redouble them. It was
exhausting to be me! Unfortunately, my
marriage is one of those relationships, which is making caretaking doubly difficult. It’s one thing to caregive when you can look
back at a somewhat normal relationship in which both people have shared their lives
with each other – not so much what my relationship looks like…
With N’s,
the more you do for them, the more critical they become – you are somehow “less
than” because you offer to help. My
offer to help my brother care for his dying wife led to him shutting down all
contact with me – imagine my nerve! I
was willing to move back to the States, rent an apartment, and help him in whatever
capacity he needed – at my expense. When
we went last year to help, another sister bought groceries and you’d have
thought she was buying caviar and charging it to my brother’s account – he was
highly critical of her for buying good food for him and his sick wife. (Ok- missed red flag…)
So what is
it that makes this happen?? My brother
has some sort of belligerent “I’m independent and don’t need anyone” thing
going on, so that’s part of it. I think
there may also be something about being above needing help. He’s very into everyone in his family being “tough”
– it comes up in a lot of conversations.
He’s phenomenally shut down emotionally.
Sounds like a typical N, doesn’t he?
I love my brother, but I can’t be in a relationship with him anymore – I’m
doing all the “relating” and he’s being critical and distant. I live with that and really don’t need any
more of these relationships like this in my life. Oh, my….
I'm sorry Pearl, I'm short on time this week, but your brother is being a complete asshole. I know you love him, but this is crazy behavior, and he is clearly trying to push you away. How sad for him, with you being so generous with your compassion and care.
ReplyDeleteYup, that's exactly what he's doing - and this time, I'm going to step back and just let it happen. I really am done doing all the relating - sad, but it's better for me to just see what's happening and accept it. I'm fresh out of sibs - I'm sad but not overwhelmingly so. I'm sooooo grateful that I have one sister who's chosen to go through this process, too - and lots of friends who offer their generous support and love for me! Gracias for your comment!
ReplyDeleteYour term--'fresh out of sibs'--speaks to me too. I'm glad that one sister is still hanging in there with you, and I think it's a good idea to step back when someone deliberately pushes you away. Later, of course, they'll accuse you of not caring enough to step forward, and conveniently "forget" your offers to fly out and take care of them. That's how it goes. xo CS
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've been around the block with this one a couple of times! Yeah, there will be all kinds of backlash from this, but since I really don't speak with anyone in the family (except one sister and one brother) and haven't lived near any of them for years, I don't really care anymore. Accusations fly in the NFOO and it doesn't matter what you do - what matters is your role - and I've given up my role, thank goodness. What a burden that's been in my life - and how glad I am to be rid of it. I practice boundary protection every single day and I'm getting good at it.
DeleteRenee Pitelli and CZBZ both wrote fb posts on what happens when you're nice to N's - their timing was perfect! Thanks for your encouragement!
I'm happy to see you writing again. I will let CZ know as well that you're back. I am unable to get into my caliban's sister yahoo account for some reason. I'm locked out of that email, and I don't know how it happened. So if you've emailed me, I cannot access it. Just know that that is why there are no replies!
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