N = Lack of Accountability

CS got me thinking about N's lack of accountability.  I think that when defining the traits of narcissism, the very first trait listed must be lack of accountability, not taking responsibility for behavior.  I attempted for years of my life to call my Nfather to accountability - I begged, pleaded, yelled, cried, cajoled, demanded, all to no avail.  He couldn't admit anything he had ever done - his classic line was, "I never called you a son of a bitch, you son of a bitch."  Really. I remember that, as a young child, I conspired with a sibling to figure out a way to put Nfather's tape-to-tape recorder into the warming oven to capture the things he said during dinner, things that he would later deny having said.  Because we couldn't figure out how to plug it in without the cords being visible, the plan failed miserably - and just because there was evidence, it doesn't mean that he wouldn't have denied it, anyway. 

And this was a man who "hated a liar."  Yet if his lips were moving, he was lying.  The accusation of lying is the NFOO's  greatest character assassination.  Anything that is said contrary to the NFOO belief system is a "lie."  And that's that - hard to refute, because if you've just told a "lie", you are a "liar" and you can't be trusted.  It handily reinforces the "No Talk" rule - you may speak out, but since you're a liar, no one has to listen.  And the wheel turns...

Both of my Nparents are deceased - the death of my mother and the Nnonsense at her deathbed released me from the power of the NFOO.   I have Nsibs, but I've gone NC with 3 sibs and LC with 4 others.  I no longer have any desire to hold anyone accountable for anything except to honor the boundaries that I've at long last erected to protect myself from Nnonsense.  Calling me a liar or explaining to me that my "perception" of events is invalid no longer has the power to hurt or confuse me.  People raised by Nparents hold strongly to role-related interpretations of the NFOO - I get that now and if they want to hold tightly to that, it's their prerogative, just as it's mine to abdicate my role and live a full, rich life, free of my dreadful role.

When I write about progress, it sounds easy - it's not.  Every step has been filled with hurt, anger, sometimes despair, tears, grief, longing, and finally something that looks like peace.  And then it's on to the next piece...  I'm getting better at not giving in to despair, at realizing that there will be an end point, at knowing that I'm getting stronger and more resilient, at accepting who I really am separate from my NFOO-given role.  It's quite a process and I'm glad that I'm finally, finally, getting comfortable in my own skin, feeling like I belong in the world.