Parenting with Fear and Trepidation

When my daughter was born, I was amazed at the fierceness with which I loved her immediately – I remember thinking that I wasn’t a pacifist after all, that if someone tried to hurt her, I would kill them.  It was so strong, so ferocious, so intense.  I’d spend hours just looking at her, astounded that I was now responsible for this beautiful, defenseless baby who was my daughter.  And I knew that I’d have to think through every single decision that I made about how to parent her – I wouldn’t be able to fall back on just doing what my Nparents had done.  It was terrifying!  It took almost a year for me to realize that the bond I had with my daughter was so strong that I would never do anything to purposefully hurt her, that I loved her so much that I’d never make her life about serving me or any siblings she might have, that I’d help her figure out life and encourage her to be herself and to do whatever work she felt called to do – in other words, I wouldn’t raise her like I had been raised.  One day, while I was looking at her while she slept (which she rarely did as a baby!), I just started crying and wondered how it was that NM had never felt this about me, how a child could be born from your body and you don’t just gasp with surprise at the love you feel for them instantly!  And I realized that I also had to be careful not to be jealous of my daughter because she had a mother who loved her fiercely, something I could only dream of.

When my son was born, the same thing happened - that intense, almost wild rush of love for this beautiful little boy who was my son, a child I’d protect with my own life.  I’d really wondered if this only happened with the first child, that maybe the wonder wouldn’t be as amazing with the second child– but it was!  He was slightly jaundiced and since he’d been born at home, our wonderful doctor advised us to put him in his cradle by a window with just his diaper on and the sun would do the work of correcting the problem – so that’s what we did and I’d just watch lie in bed and watch him breathing in the sunlight, so little, so cute, so mine.  Again I wondered how NM had missed this and I felt kind of bad for her – having a baby was this truly amazing and breathtaking experience and she seemed to have missed it all those times!! 

My NM wasn’t the grandmotherly type – she didn’t come to help with babies (to be fair, she had young children at home most of the time)  - but my mother-in-law was.  Sometimes she drove me crazy – she was depressed all her life and she had a hard time relating to my husband, but when you needed her, she was there.  She came to help with my daughter and I could see her fall in love with her instantly.  She came again when my son was born and she fell in love with him, too – it was so wonderful to watch – and she came yet again when my husband was out of town and my daughter and I were laid low with a nasty virus and my son was just a few months old.  My kids always loved spending time with these grandparents, who wanted to spoil them with toys and presents until we limited that – what my kids really wanted and needed was to spend time with grandparents who loved them.   I hope I’m that kind of grandmother someday!