Tough Day

I spent years searching card racks to find Mother's Day and Father's Day cards that didn't lie and say things like "To the best dad/mom in the world" and other such nonsense. Even birthday cards were tough. But yesterday I felt sad, not so much because my Nmother died last year but because I never really had a mother. I remember calling from college when I was homesick or depressed and getting off the phone feeling MORE depressed. I learned my freshman year not to call home when I was sick, depressed, sad, broke, or needy in any way - not sure why I'd thought it would be any different from the earlier part of my life but I'm apparently a slow learner when it comes to my family... My Nfather took me to college because he had to travel to Milwaukee to drop a migrant worker at the bus station. He put my suitcases on the curb and hurried off to the bus station without even saying goodbye - and yet I still thought that if I was sad or sick, someone would care.. Of course, if I didn't call, I was accused of not caring - it was always lose-lose for me in that group! I knew a long time ago that I had no value in my FOO, and I've processed this lack of parenting and caring for years, but it does still come up on holidays, especially on Mother's day, probably since that is the relationship that I most missed out on. I'm so very, very happy that I have two wonderful, caring kids who called and visited with me on Mother's Day and I'm so glad that I get to be their mother!