Days of anxiety, days of peace

Sometimes I just want to make the peace "stick."  It seems a bit wobbly sometimes...  I've had a couple of days that were full of anxiety - the free-floating kind, the kind that I've lived with for so long...  Today is better - I have a task (painting walls), it's raining, and I just figured out how to put Pandora on my computer, so life is good!  I've carved out some time for my Spanish homework, Mike is hanging a new wall hanging, and I have a plan for the last bedroom.  I still fear the anxiety so much - why does it always feel as if I'll be stuck in it forever?  I know that that's a childish thought process and I have to get past it, but when I'm in the midst of anxiety, it's really hard to convince myself to be a grown-up, to convince myself that it will pass.  I'm giving a lot of thought to what I want to do when I hit critical mass in peace - all my life, I've been involved in "helping" professions - I know that I was good at what I did, but I know now that I was conditioned to just take care of people and I think that there may be something else out there for me, something that allows me to be me.  I've also realized that people consider me a happy person - I'm not sure I really am - I think that smiling, too, is a way to take care of people - see, I have no needs, no desires - I'm always happy so you don't have to do anything for me.  So, now I'm trying to 1. Remember that most of what needs fixing is none of my damn business, 2. Remember to stay present and not disappear and 3. Stop smiling so much!!!  This last one may be one of the ways that narcissists identify me as someone who will provide narcissistic supply, so it has to go!!  I identified a narcissist the other night at a party - it was quick, it was painless, and I got away from her quickly.  Ah...  You know that feeling you get when the hair on the back of your neck stands up??? It's a great early indicator - listening to it is going to make my life better.