Forgiveness vs acceptance

I have to say that I'm really confused by the idea of forgiveness being important as a way of making the forgiver feel better.  Sister Renee has really helped me to clarify the concept of Scriptural forgiveness, for which I'm tremendously grateful. I believe that forgiveness is a gift given to those who ask for it.  I also believe that granting forgiveness to someone who doesn't ask for it is condescending and presumptuous.  How would you like it if someone, out of the blue, decided to forgive you?  I've been on the receiving end of that and I remember thinking, "What the hell?"  I had no idea what the woman was talking about and it ended our friendship - now, as an adult, I realize that she was trying to be gracious and "Christian" but to this day I don't really know what I did to deserve her forgiveness.

I agree with Sister Renee that forgiveness must be given if it is asked for in a sincere, honest way.  It is a gift given not to make me feel better about myself or to somehow make me feel less anger or to heal myself.  This action is other-directed.  It is for the benefit of the recipient, not me.  If it somehow also has the result of healing me as well, that's great - but forgiveness isn't really about me, the forgiver.  It's sort of like former Communist countries asking Christians to come in after the Wall went down - not for the sake of their people becoming Christians, but because Christians tend to be hard-working people!  They weren't after the REAL benefit of Christianity, but a by-product and that just isn't honest nor does it often work.  Just as forgiving someone so that I can feel better is not a healing or caring act nor does it heal the relationship - in fact, it may well damage the relationship.

Now acceptance is another thing - that is all about me!!!  I have to accept my Nsiblings as they are - and then stay far, far away from them.  But I have to stop thinking that anything in this group will change - it won't and that's the truth of narcissism.  Does acceptance help me?   Yes!  Does it help the one I accept as who s/he is?  Probably not.  Does it help me heal?  Absolutely!  Does  it resolve anger about the treatment I've received over the years and continue to receive at the hands of my Nsiblings?   Again, yes!  Does it heal the Nsib or help them deal with their anger?  Probably not.  So this is about how I heal, how I deal with my anger, how I learn to accept who I am in this mess  But I don't announce it, I don't offer it as a gift, I don't condescend to accept - I merely accept the truth of my life, set boundaries around myself for protection, and look forward to a future without the nonsense of narcissism!

I apologize that this is somewhat rambling - I'm still trying to make sense of all this!