Happy New Year!

This is the first New Year's Eve in a long time that I feel like celebrating.  I had lovely visits with my sister and my kids over the Christmas break, and now I'm ready to really focus my attentions on ME!  I'm set up to weave again, I'm ready to write again, I'm going to buy myself a keyboard and finally learn to play piano, I'm going to find a local person who can teach me how to work in glass, and I'm going to work hard to get better at the local language.  I plan to travel to the States at least twice this year - and I'm going to lose at least one more size in the next few months - hurrah!  I feel like I finally have the emotional and physical energy to move forward, to be who I am in front of the world without fear or anxiety.  This is nice!   It feels good to be invested in life again instead of just treading water.  Life is good.  Happy New Year, everyone! 

What now??

Everyone's gone for a few hours - I do love having my kids here and my daughter's boyfriend is a lovely, easy guest.  It's been busy - lots of meals to make, things to do, etc., and now I'm here alone for a bit, wondering what it is that I'm supposed to do next.  I've worked and/or taken care of my spouse for the past 12 years and that part of my life is over...  What now???  It's a bit daunting to think about this next chapter - I'm in a foreign country, where I'll have to stay for a good bit now.  I can't afford full-time care for my spouse in the US.  Now at least I'll have time and energy to work on learning the language!  I've always been involved in "helping" professions - I don't think I want to do that anymore...  That sounds awful, but honestly, I'd like to do something now that uses other gifts.  I want to finally do what I want to do - but I don't know what that is!!!  I'm trying to be patient, to give myself time to figure it out, but I want to get going NOW - I feel like I've spent a huge part of my life not taking care of myself, not knowing what I wanted, that I want to get on with it!  Sigh...  

Red-haired stepchild

So, have I mentioned that I feel like God's red-haired stepchild?  First I get 2 flaming narcissists as parents, people so self-absorbed and so phenomenally obsessed with each other that the numerous children they brought into the world were mere white noise in their lives.  Then I marry a passive-aggressive in an attempt to NOT marry a narcissist - aack.  Thankfully, many wonderful people have also entered my life - 2 delightful children, now adults; good friends who keep in touch and don't judge me for placing my spouse in a nursing home when the dementia/passive-aggressive one-two punch threatened to overwhelm me; and a wonderful sibling who's walked me through this discovery process over the past few years.

I want a do-over!  I want real parents, people who put their children's welfare ahead of their own.  I want to have known in my teens what I know now. I want to go back and choose a spouse who had the capacity to have a loving, intimate relationship with me.  I want all those hours wasted on "working" on relationships back.  I want to plan my life again, knowing that my thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid and should be considered when making life decisions.  I realize this anger is belated, but it's still valid - I want a sit-down with God about what He/She was thinking... 

Whiling away the time

It's very odd to have so much time to do whatever I want to do - and a lot of the time right now, that's just plain old nothing.  I walk a lot, read a good bit, watch movies, go to the mineral baths, have lunch with friends, and just let whatever is happening deep inside work its way into my consciousness.  This is sooooooo new for me that it's sometimes unsettling - but I'm determined to let this happen, to allow myself time to heal, to stop being so busy taking care of others that I forget that I am important, too. It's almost time to start writing again - but not just yet, I think... 

I feel much more centered, much more like I actually belong on the planet and have a right to be here.  I don't have to watch what I say for fear of attack (because I don't really care what N's say or think about me anymore), and I don't have to use a facade of toughness to manage myself in the world - I'm free to say what I need to say and to walk away if I don't think the argument is worth it (which it never is with an N...).  Life is so much better, so much calmer, and I finally feel like I'm in charge of my own life.  I've had glimmers of this before, but it's regular now, an everyday feeling  Ah! 

I'm sure there will be further struggles, but mostly I stay away from N's, and when I do have contact with them, it's fleeting - I'm not interested in dealing with them on a regular basis.  My life, my choice.  Goodness!  I imagine there are people in the world who've always felt like this - what a blessing!  But I'm glad that my Third Age will be indeed be mine, that I'll surround myself with people who love me and whom I love, that the choices I make will be made freely, with my needs recognized as well as the needs of others, and that I'll stay firmed planted on the Earth until it's time for me to leave- please God, I'll have time to enjoy this wonderful life for a while!

Mulling

I've been thinking about starting another blog - one about living with a passive-aggressive spouse.  I've looked and looked and can find few blogs about this topic, and the ones I have found are authored by life coaches and psychologists - and there's certainly nothing wrong with that, but my experience has been that those who have gone through living with a personality-disordered person are much more likely to understand it on the cellular level.  And that's what I need and want - real input from real people who've been through the real thing.

Then I realized that many of us who were raised by N's married people who were in some way familiar - we weren't worthy of true love, we'd been conditioned to take care of people, we didn't expect anything from relationships except hurt and pain.  And there you have it - the passive-aggressive is the perfect choice for someone with those criteria!  Like N's, passive-aggressives don't show their true colors at first - in my case, things were going pretty well until the children arrived (OK, I had by then realized that he wasn't at all in touch with his emotions, that he had to have his own way or he'd go even more silent and pout, and that he didn't seem to like women.  Hmph.  After being raised by wolves, this wasn't all that bad....)  But after the children were born, he seemed to feel that they were competition for him - mostly, I think, because I was no longer HIS mother - I was THEIR mother.

Our arguments generally revolved around him appearing to believe I was his mother - I was to take care of him, interpret life for him, identify his feelings for him, etc.  My most frequent line was, "I am NOT your mother!"   But he, unfortunately, became his father, a textbook example of a passive-aggressive.  And I stayed for decades with a man who just honestly  could not express or receive love, whose idea of intimacy was hand-holding - and even that appeared to be "dangerous" at times- whose only real emotions seem to be simmering anger and "blankness" (I'm not sure that qualifies as an emotion, but it's certainly one of his states of being...).

All this to say that having been raised by narcissists, OF COURSE I married a passive-aggressive!  He didn't rage, did he?  He seemed to be a deep thinker - this turned out not to be true - he was often just pouting or blank...  Aack.  My young self was pretty stupid (I know, I know - "conditioned"), but my mature self stayed and kept hoping that he could change, that he could start to actually feel emotions other than this simmering anger, that he might some day love me - sound familiar???  And the very saddest thing?  I still love him - or perhaps I love the idea of what might have been if he had been brave enough to actually look at himself and realize that life offered so much more than this perpetual need to be loved by his mother/mother substitute.

So I'm going to continue here - it seems all of a piece.  If you've been reading this blog, you know that my spouse is now in care - the perfect storm of dementia and passive-aggressive behavior became way too much for me to deal with.  Since he can't listen to me, but often does the exact opposite of what I say,  I can no longer keep him safe in the world.     I had a homebirth, I homeschooled, and I'd anticipated home care for him until he dies - but both disorders are getting worse and worse.  Not surprisingly, I suppose, since he's left our home, my stress levels have gone way down, I'm more relaxed and happier than I've ever been, and I'm loving my life again.  I thought I'd feel guilty, but having worked through all the NFOO nonsense, I'm not feeling guilty at all!  He made a lot of bad choices early on and could never gather the courage to change.  It's sad, but it can't be my sadness. 

It's been a ride!

My, my - it's been a ride!  These past 3 years have been a roller coaster of emotions; a frenzy of learning everything I can about dysfunctional families, narcissism, passive/aggressive personality disorder;  an in-depth study of how I've related to the world in the past and how I want to do that now.  Phew!  Am I finished?  Hardly!  Am I past the worst of it?  I certainly hope so!

I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  The anxiety is waning more than waxing.  I've "lost" some people I'd thought were friends but only on their terms, with me doing most of the "connecting," but I have some lovely new friends who nurture me and care for me as much as I do them.  And the lovely old friends who stay connected with me are a true blessing.

I find myself being less concerned about other people's attitudes to me- just as I'm trying to rein in my overly developed need to care for folks who aren't connected to me.   I'm a free agent in the world!  And it's lovely - very freeing.  I have time - not just because my spouse is in care, but also because my brain is no longer full of "should's" and old messages from Nmother about myself and the world.  Her voice has been quieted - what a relief!

Now I know that this is a bit easier for me than for most ACON's because I live on a different continent than my NFOO.  Going NC was bit easier, too, but given that I have 8 siblings, the "easy" part is balanced out with sheer numbers!  Like I say, it's been a ride!  I know there's still work to do - and there probably always will be - but I feel like I'm ready, finally, to be who I was meant to be, to live my own life, to be my own person, to dream my own dreams and do my own thing - hurrah!!!

I want to focus on other things now, but I want to thank all of you who've responded to this blog and whose blogs I've read intensely to figure out how to live free!  I've learned so much from you who've gone before and were willing to share all that you learned.   Without you, this journey would have been waaaaaaaaaay longer.  I was blessed to have all of  you and one loving sister who made the journey with me, encouraging me and easing the way.  Gracias!!  Muchisimas gracias!

To Everything, There is a Season

My spouse, whom I love dearly, is passive/aggressive.  I've done work-arounds for years, compromised (or just gave in) more than was healthy for me, and learned that anything I wanted or needed would not/could not be given. " Come here, come here, come here, get away, get away, get away" was the catch-phrase of our lives together. Obviously, I'd been well trained in the NFOO to accept this type of treatment and to keep "working on the relationship."  Very one-sided "work" that took up a lot of the energy I should have been using on me.

I've asked him for years to get help, but he'd go to see someone for a couple of weeks and then stop - cured, apparently...  When I'd threaten to leave, he'd make some drastic changes that would last for a few weeks, then back to same-old, same-old.  Then the Parkinson's dementia started.  Oh, my goodness - it's a perfect storm!  He can't listen to me (In fact, he often does the opposite of what I ask), so I can't keep him safe.  I found myself always hyper-alert because I had no idea what he was going to do next.  I'd say the same thing over and over- and I didn't know which illness was in play at any given moment, but he couldn't listen.

Finally, I've conceded defeat.  He's in full-time care at a local nursing home.  He seems content - the people there adore him and expect nothing from him, so it works.  I'd made plans to go and see him tomorrow, but there's a football game on that he wants to watch.   It continues, but I'm no longer doing the dance.  Turn, turn, turn!