My role - the Lost Child

When I read Peter Pan as a child, I identified with the Lost Boys - that's what I'd always felt like in my family - Lost...  This role also gets called "the invisible child" - and I felt like that, too.  I've talked a little about my invisibility in other blogs, but all of this came up again when my eldest sibling came to visit.  I tried to explain it to her, but she kept saying that she never thought of me that way - I explained that that's not how it works - you don't say "She's the Lost Child" or "She's the Golden Child" or "She's the Scapegoat" or She's the Hero" or "He's the Mascot."  It's all in the way you treat a person. 

Finally, a situation came up when we were talking about Nmom's death.  (I've talked about this before, too - my "failure to properly greet." )  My sister had told me that the WWW was so upset about my not properly greeting her when I arrived - I explained to my sister (and this should NOT have needed an explanation) that I had just driven 7 hours, slept on the floor of a friend, flown across the country, and then driven 4 hours, all the time believing that Nmother might have already died by the time we got there - I know, I know - at that point it was somehow important...)  This sister saw WWW's "pain" at not being greeted properly, but did NOT see my exhaustion - she kept saying, "But you didn't look exhausted..."  Really???  How is that even possible?  I know that I'm a magnificent specimen of elderly womanhood, but really?  I was literally folding in half from exhaustion.  But she couldn't see it!  That, my friends, is invisible. 

Another VD survived!

No, that does NOT mean what you probably think it means... It's Valentine's Day for those of us who didn't see that marrying familiar is NOT a good option.  This post won't make much sense to those of you who got healthy enough to not choose someone who sort of looked like the opposite of what your family was - and then turned out to be waaaay too similar.  I didn't marry an N - I suppose I'm grateful for that, although I might have gotten out early if I had.  I married a passive-aggressive, who also now has a type of dementia.  He cried over dinner tonight, telling me that someone who works at the home told him that if he thought he was lonely in his room at the home, he should think about her alone in her apartment.  When he'd finished crying, I reminded him that his wife was also living alone.  He just looked at me and then said that he was sad about that, too (but without tears)...  Honestly... And I need to talk to that woman now, too...  Boundaries, people - boundaries!!!

But the good news from the week is that I went to a nutritionist who determined that I have an underactive thyroid in addition to a couple of other things and I'm taking iodine drops.  OMG, I have so much energy - and it's not the type of energy that  I've had for decades - the kind where I PUSH myself to get done what I need to do - this is an ABUNDANCE of energy and I can get an amazing number of things done!!  But I'm also calm - not anxious, not nervous - calm and energetic - what a combination!

On balance, the week's been good.  And there won't be another VD for 364 days - hurrah!!! 

Worth all the pain!

This process has been long and difficult, but honestly, it's been soooo worth the effort.  The Protector of the WWW and her Flying Monkeys has been visiting for the past week and we've had a good time.  There have been moments, of course.  She's asked questions and I've answered them honestly, which has usually stopped all conversation for a while, but I don't offer  additional information unless she asks more, which she doesn't...  She asks but really doesn't want to know... I've held my ground, protected my boundaries, and have mostly enjoyed our visit.  Now, of course, I have to see if she can honor her commitment to not spread information about me to the crazy triumvarite...  If not, there won't be a repeat visit.  Best part:  no anxiety!

Therein lies madness!

The most crazy-making thing about dysfunctional family roles is their immutability – and if you leave your role because it was in its nature a sucky role, you’ll be emotionally beaten up by N’s and their ilk.  Aack!  And thus NC came into being….  Honestly, I’m beginning to think that having relationships with most of my sibs – ANY kind of relationship- might just be impossible.   We’re old and N’s get set in their ways early – and those who’ve catered to them forever just can’t work up the courage to start saying NO.  The Nsister who controls the family is a scary person – if you met her, you might think she is sweet and caring, but upon closer inspection,  those of you who know N’s will realize that she is manipulative, whiny, a martyr to her kids, a gossip, and generally a witch.  She rounds up posse’s to handle those who aren’t in the “Circle of Power” and conveniently “forgets” the hateful things she’s done to the outcasts.  Her Protector always believes her, of course, and chastises those who wander from the herd or “hurt” the Nsister.  

I know I’m mixing metaphors all over the place, but bear with me…   So – the N and her flying monkeys aren’t worth considering relationship with – it can’t happen if I’m to maintain my sanity…  That leaves the Protectors, who haven’t shown much courage, so if push comes to shove, I suspect that they MUST honor their roles – not much chance of any sort of trusting relationship there…  One Nbrother was a secondary GC – nope. And a sister who was a sibling scapegoat looks remarkably like an N herself – how did that happen???  Often, the scapegoats are the ones who get out!  I’ve tried – and I think the time has come to stop trying and just accept that I have only one real sibling with whom I can share my life without having to worry that information is going to be broadcast in the Nfamily.  Sigh.  Acceptance is good – there’s really no point in trying to see something that isn’t there – therein lies madness!!!

Happy New Year!

This is the first New Year's Eve in a long time that I feel like celebrating.  I had lovely visits with my sister and my kids over the Christmas break, and now I'm ready to really focus my attentions on ME!  I'm set up to weave again, I'm ready to write again, I'm going to buy myself a keyboard and finally learn to play piano, I'm going to find a local person who can teach me how to work in glass, and I'm going to work hard to get better at the local language.  I plan to travel to the States at least twice this year - and I'm going to lose at least one more size in the next few months - hurrah!  I feel like I finally have the emotional and physical energy to move forward, to be who I am in front of the world without fear or anxiety.  This is nice!   It feels good to be invested in life again instead of just treading water.  Life is good.  Happy New Year, everyone! 

What now??

Everyone's gone for a few hours - I do love having my kids here and my daughter's boyfriend is a lovely, easy guest.  It's been busy - lots of meals to make, things to do, etc., and now I'm here alone for a bit, wondering what it is that I'm supposed to do next.  I've worked and/or taken care of my spouse for the past 12 years and that part of my life is over...  What now???  It's a bit daunting to think about this next chapter - I'm in a foreign country, where I'll have to stay for a good bit now.  I can't afford full-time care for my spouse in the US.  Now at least I'll have time and energy to work on learning the language!  I've always been involved in "helping" professions - I don't think I want to do that anymore...  That sounds awful, but honestly, I'd like to do something now that uses other gifts.  I want to finally do what I want to do - but I don't know what that is!!!  I'm trying to be patient, to give myself time to figure it out, but I want to get going NOW - I feel like I've spent a huge part of my life not taking care of myself, not knowing what I wanted, that I want to get on with it!  Sigh...  

Red-haired stepchild

So, have I mentioned that I feel like God's red-haired stepchild?  First I get 2 flaming narcissists as parents, people so self-absorbed and so phenomenally obsessed with each other that the numerous children they brought into the world were mere white noise in their lives.  Then I marry a passive-aggressive in an attempt to NOT marry a narcissist - aack.  Thankfully, many wonderful people have also entered my life - 2 delightful children, now adults; good friends who keep in touch and don't judge me for placing my spouse in a nursing home when the dementia/passive-aggressive one-two punch threatened to overwhelm me; and a wonderful sibling who's walked me through this discovery process over the past few years.

I want a do-over!  I want real parents, people who put their children's welfare ahead of their own.  I want to have known in my teens what I know now. I want to go back and choose a spouse who had the capacity to have a loving, intimate relationship with me.  I want all those hours wasted on "working" on relationships back.  I want to plan my life again, knowing that my thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid and should be considered when making life decisions.  I realize this anger is belated, but it's still valid - I want a sit-down with God about what He/She was thinking...