Saturday, October 27, 2012
Did That Really Happen?
One of the things that happens in so many Nfamilies is that after the N has done his/her thing, be that raging, beating on someone, subjecting someone to their sarcastic teasing, etc., they just go on as if nothing happened. No apology, no obvious feeling of shame, no discussing what happened - it's just "forgotten" - yeah, right. Other family members are scared out of their minds and are now doubly watchful, but the N just pretends that it never happened - and expects you to do the same. I don't wish to beat a dead horse, but that appears to be what's happening on some of the ACoN blogs -well, the first part happened, too - lots of raging, lots of emotionally beating up on people, lots of sarcastic joking., then writing sweet comments on blogs as if none of their behavior ever happened - or worse, that it was OK to behave that way in ANY setting!! It's all eerily familiar. I don't know these people so I don't really care if they figure it out, but like all Nbehavior, I intend to stay far away from it. I'm at the point in my recovery from Nnonsense that I really can't afford to give people the benefit of the doubt right now - if it looks like a narcissist, walks like a narcissist, and talks like a narcissist, I'm gone!!! I've been suckered too often - giving the benefit of the doubt has gotten me into serious trouble emotionally and I'm not going there again. Maybe never- I hope that at some point I can wait a bit longer before heading for the hills, but for now, I'm saddled up and ready to ride!!!
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You nailed it Toto. That for me is the giveaway. The excessive smarmy sweetness that they engage in as they calm each other down and try to reassure others around them that see, they really are "harmless" after all. I've been amazed listening to some of them echo things I said when this whole thing started--the need for empathy, shared humanity, telling our own individual truths, etc. Then the hi-fiving. My NF's favorite thing to say after he'd savage us verbally with his anger would be "Is everybody HAPPY?" That signalled END of discussion. The next day we'd all pretend like it never happened. My mother writes hideous letter, we don't talk for two years, then she'll call like it never happened. She plagiarizes, and my FOO acts like it never happened. It's the swinging between really aggressive bullying and excessive sweetness that is the hallmark of abuse. I'm so glad I headed for the same hill you're looking at. I gave that group the benefit of the doubt several times over--including my comments yesterday on Jonsi's blog. But seeing what they're doing, all over again--forming the funnel cloud, then after they blow away what's in their path, they venture out separately to "reaffirm" how much they love everyone in "their" community, by leaving what CZ calls little "love bombs" on other blogs. It's so obvious. I didn't start blogging for that. My FOO gave me plenty of that. I want to talk with other reasonable honest adults who have similar stories and wounds, although each profile will look different, to put our heads together and figure out, by looking at our pasts, how to move forward. I'm already on the ride to another valley. Yippeekayay.
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