Grief and its aftermath

A quiet morning with a cup of coffee- ah...  I've learned that sadness shared is a wonderful blessing.  It's still sadness - painful and heart-wrenching - but it's not soul-destroying like the sadness is that you keep buried inside and let out only when no one is around.  Shared sadness creates bonds, linking you to other people who've had similar pain - it's been a remarkable couple of days.  Grief is exhausting, but I'm so glad for the hugs, the shared stories, the kindness of my church family - to be on the receiving end of such generosity of spirit  has been refreshing.

I haven't heard from my brother for weeks now - people from normal families believe that he's grieving and can't reach out.  People from wildly dysfunctional families understand that he's not grieving - he's avoiding grieving or feeling anything, which is how he survived the NFOO.  I've attempted to connect in a minimal way - I've sent a couple of ecards which I know he's received, but there's been no response.  This is the last of my siblings that I thought I might be able to have at least a quasi relationship with...  Seems that it was yet another "Here, you do what I need and then I'll ignore you" scenario - but for me, it often takes something this extreme to make me stop trying - and I'm fresh out of siblings now...  Thank goodness, I have one sister who's been working through the same issues and we talk daily - it's been beyond wonderful to have someone to talk to who knows all the characters in the NFOO drama and who's working toward emotional health with the same intensity.

So I'm left with 3 NC sibs, 4 sibs with whom I'm LC, and one real sibling.   People used to say, when I told them how many siblings I had, that it must have been nice to have that many friends around all the time - even when I was young, I wondered how they could think that that's the way it was.  Too much bad television, perhaps... 

I feel like this post needs closure, but I don't seem to have any to offer - I'm content where I am emotionally right now, I know that my friends and remaining sibling are supportive and loving  and there for me when I'm sad, and I'm looking forward to this wonderful new life without the weight of feeling responsible for connecting to people who don't want a relationship with me - it's freeing in a quiet, sad sort of way - but I can feel the freedom bubbling up inside of me and I'm looking forward to where that takes me!