Caregiving

I need to learn more about PTSD - I'm pretty sure I and most of my sibs have it - soooooo much free-floating anxiety in my NFOO...  I also don't think it's a coincidence that when the second Nparent died, all hell broke loose.  It's been a little over 2 years and my, I've learned a lot - and so many of my basic assumptions about who I am, who my sibs are, and how the world operates have changed completely.  Although I'm currently a caregiver for my spouse, I don't consider myself a caregiver for the world anymore - such a relief to be out of that role!  I thought about 3 times before offering to take a meal to a church couple - then I thought, "Well, this would be OK - and it's important for church members to take care of each other."   Really, I had to talk myself INTO it instead of OUT of it!  Yup - good change.  I'm staying as far away from N's as I can - and I'm speaking up when I feel that anyone is trying to intrude on my boundaries.  (How they react to that tells me a LOT about them and whether or not I should be in any sort of relationship with them...)  Strangely, all of this has made me calmer - OK, so I'm still not exactly calm, but I am calmer and I'll take that any old day.  I think because I'm constantly practicing, I don't feel as unqualified to be in the world as I used to feel.  I've had a lot of success with maintaining boundaries, and I've even had some with making my needs known- the trick is to do this with people who actually have the capacity to meet another person's needs!  (Duh...  But I honestly thought that it was MY fault that people wouldn't meet my needs...)   So life is getting better and better - with a good number of side trails that threaten to trip me up periodically, but so far I've been able to stay focused and resolute in not casting pearls before swine.  (You knew it was coming...)