Sadness and Roles

I've been sad today and I've actually been talking about it - usually I hide away when I'm sad  - being emotionally vulnerable was NEVER good in the NFOO.  It opened you wide up for attack.  So I'm trying to just be me in the world - a woman at church told me that I looked tired and I told her that I was emotionally drained because my sister-in-law had just died.  She looked shocked - really, if you tell someone they look tired, you'd better be prepared to find out the reason why!  A friend called and asked how I was - I'm so grateful that I have friends who are willing to pick up the phone just to find out if I'm OK.  I told my pastor about Mike's health issue this week - I'm not real sure about this man and I find that he's not terribly good with stuff going wrong in your life unless he can "fix"it...  But I told him anyway.  Yesterday, I told some friends about my sister-in-law and about my husband - they were gentle and comforting.  Apparently, my ability to choose wise, gentle people is improving!  It's so nice to be on the receiving end of kindness.  And I didn't cry when they were kind!  Usually, I'm so shocked by kindness that I break out in tears (another huge no-no in the NFOO).  But yesterday and today, I just accepted it and said thank you.  Ah...

I'm also slowly starting to process that my role (which sucks) and the GC's role (which gives her lots of goodies) were both assigned roles.  I've talked before about how I think that roles in Nfamilies are assigned by using extraordinarily shallow criteria - being the firstborn, looking like one of the N's, being the "cause" of your Nmother's pregnancy nausea or long labor pains, etc.  I'm beginning to feel some compassion for  the Nsibs - they didn't ask for their roles, either!  It's hard to get out of a role - even a horrific role that wreaks havoc in your life.  I knee jerk help people - of course I realize now that I can only offer help to family members who are "out" and at least on the path to emotional health.  Offering help in the NFOO is met with mockery and derision - it's part of the Nsupply, but it can't be accepted gracefully because if offered (instead of demanded), it can result in a narcissistic injury.  (I don't need your help!)  It's a hard line to walk - and I won't be doing that anymore - even if asked, I won't help N's anymore.  It's not that I'm going to go back into my role for them, or that I'll back out of NC and go back to LC, or attempt a relationship with them - they're way too dangerous for that!  But it's sort of sad that all of us were assigned roles that determined to a great extent how we live our lives - I'm having difficulty learning to stop giving so much (which is in great part not because I'm more generous than others but because I was conditioned to give supply) -  imagine how hard it would be to become less selfish!  Part of this journey is to figure out who I really am - and maybe I'm a lot more selfish than I think I am - I can only hope!!!