I keep hoping that when I am no longer seen as supply by narcissists, I won't notice them anymore - right now, it seems that there are so many of them, but I think it's just that I'm über aware of them and they still see me as possible supply. I am making progress in not being seen as supply and I'm slowly learning to speak truth to narcissists in a soft, slow voice - all those years of living in the South have paid off.
When my MNF was in an assisted living facility, only LS1 and I called him- he'd burned a lot of bridges - and I started every conversation the same way:
Hello, Harry
You should call me Dad.
Hello, Harry. These are the rules of the phone call.
Oh, you always say that when you call.
Yes, I do. Here are the rules: If you yell at me, if you swear at me, if you speak badly about anyone to whom I'm related by blood or marriage, I'll hang up. Do you understand?
You always say that.
Do you understand?
Yes, I understand.
5 minutes - he could never last longer than 5 minutes. Our longest conversation occurred when I called him on my cell and the call dropped after only a few minutes. I kept trying to call him back - I got home, had dinner, and finally reached him. I joked with him about him calling his brother as soon as the call dropped, but he'd been "talking to me the whole time" - he hadn't realized that I hadn't been on the other end for 45 minutes! Yup, 45 minutes of him probably bad mouthing every single family member - thank goodness for poor cell reception in the rural South!
But I had a lot of practice setting boundaries and that's working for me now - and I don't have to say a lot - sometimes I don't have to say anything at all - today when a narcissist tried to shame me, I just smiled and walked away. As I used to tell my students - just because something is true doesn't mean it has to be said out loud. And if it DOES have to be said, it can be said very meaningfully in a soft, slow voice.
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