Ok, so I know it's been a whole year - and believe me, it feels
longer than that! I felt like I had to leave blogging for a while -
and reading blogs and intellectualizing too much - to let my emotions
catch up, to mull over what I'd learned, to let it sink in. And it
has.
I've learned some things about myself in the last
year that really, I wasn't aware of - like that I'm an introvert. Those
of you who know me know that this is practically laughable, but it's
true! Being an introvert in my NFOO wasn't at all acceptable - it was
viewed as a weakness, and we all know what happens when N's see you as
weak! So I became a fake extrovert - yup, there are a lot of us in the
ACON world, I think... Now I realize that I'm just a loud introvert.
And that I'm an empath - hopefully without a lot of uga buga, but an
empath all the same - but now I'm an empath with boundaries. Helping
people has been a HUGE part of my life and I now realize that in N's
view, helping is a weakness and if you offer them help, you are in the
line of fire for all sorts of rejection, bullying, mockery, and whatever
else their little brains conjure up. THAT was a tough one... But the
boundary is that I can help anyone who I love AND who loves me back,
anyone who wants a two-way relationship with me - this in itself
elimininates all N's.
I'm
developing new friendships and looking closely at old ones - do I need
better boundaries? Do I need to remove myself from the relationship?
The new friendships are lovely - I'm choosing. I've almost always been
friends with people who chose me - this is new for me and quite
wonderful. I've made a couple of mistakes, but I've corrected them or
backed out of relationships when I've discovered that they're not
healthy. I'm setting better boundaries with people who are in my life but who
are somewhat unstable emotionally or who have a history with me of being
domineering.
I've developed the defenses that many
people learn in childhood - the polite smile that gives nothing away,
the semi-polite, "Hello, oh, there's someone I need to talk to - excuse
me" that gets you out of the Nattack as you walk in a door, the use of
the powerful word, "No." (complete sentence), and the blank face that
indicates that I do NOT want anything to do with you. (I have a
wonderful meme saved that says, "Stay calm and put your bitch face
on.") I know it's working most of the time because it's rare now that
N's can spot me and I'm surprised when they do - and I utilize some of the
above techniques to get away from them quickly. These are skills that
really should be taught in schools!
And, most wonderful
of all, I'm doing things that I want to do - I haven't started weaving
again yet, but it's starting to bubble up inside me again. I'm working
with a couple of people to get a caregiver's group started at our church
and I'm working with another woman to get an adult daily care facility
started - I need it and I assume others may as well. I'm working in a
limited way with my church and I have 3 days a week when my spouse is in
care so that I can have a life of my own - it's lovely. I'm reading a lot and having lunch with friends and I spend hours walking around the city.
Am
I still sometimes discouraged, sad, and frustrated with this process?
YES, I am!!! I'm amazed that I can still be surprised by sibling
behavior, by my spouse's p/a ridiculousness (which I sometimes have
trouble distinguishing from his dementia), by a friend's rudeness, etc.
I sometimes feel like I'll forever be playing catch-up, but I've come a
long way - I'm still No Contact with 3 siblings and I believe that is a
permanent condition. I'm considering No Contact with an additional
sibling, but that won't be hard since he only talks to me when I contact
him - another one-way relationship that has to go... I feel more in
control of my life than I've ever felt - and that, in the midst of care
giving a spouse who has both dementia AND a passive/aggressive
personality - not bad, huh???
I have a lot of
catching up to do online. This blog is still by invitation only - that
may change in the not-too-distant future, but the NFOO is in chaos and
I'm not interested in giving them any additional ammunition right now...
Hi Toto, I am happy to see your new posts. I think it's great to take a break from the blogging, to just let what we've learned sink in. I know I'm writing much less often now, as I've grown, moved forward, as my boundaries have solidified in ways that my FOO really cannot permeate anymore. It's been a long road; blogging helped me infinitely. And there are times when one needs to step back, without a doubt. Happy to see you, however intermittently, and congress on figuring out that half of your siblings are not worthy of your emotions or your time. A sad truth is still a truth. love CS
ReplyDeleteYes, a sad truth is still a truth. I keep thinking that maybe I've faced all the pain of my NFOO and then BAM another truth stares me in the face... Recovery time is shorter, thankfully, and I'm quicker at realizing that this isn't something new - it's just that I hadn't seen it in light of new knowledge before. It's the same old, same old - the good thing about N's is that nothing ever changes, once you've got it, you've got it! I had hoped against hope that Brother #1 wasn't really a narcissist - but the evidence keeps stacking up and really, I have to stop wanting something that can't be. Yet again, having to "work" at a relationship should be the FIRST clue! It's really sad, but I can't unsee this. Sigh...
DeleteDon't give your FOO any ammunition. I think that developing a thicker skin to the ways most people will inevitably let us down--at least occasionally--is one of the biggest challenges and more important things we as ACoNs can learn. How not the throw the baby out with the bathwater. Discerning who genuinely is not worth having as an intermittent friend, and who we are willing to cut slack for. We were always-already let down by our parents; nothing will make up for that, ever. So finding ways to live with that handicap, knowing it's there, is central, for me at least. Happy to see you writing here again! CS
ReplyDeleteI think for me the confusion arises from watching people in pain - Brother #1 is going through a difficult time and I can see his pain - but N's experience pain differently than normal people - he sees himself as the victim even though it's his wife who's dying. I missed that. I'm dealing with a husband who has Parkinson's and P dementia and life as a caregiver is tough, esp. since he's also passive/aggressive and it's hard to figure out which disease is operational at any given point. But Brother #1 isn't really a caregiver - he's more a complainer that this is disturbing his life - and I understand that, too - but instead of that being the peripheral feeling, it seems to be the dominant one. All said, he's a selfish bastard who can't see what others are going through, but only what he's going through. It dawned on me the other day that he's NEVER asked me about my life or how my husband is doing... Hmmmm... How did I miss THAT? Not out of the woods yet...
Delete