This morning, in my email box, there was an email from Amazon about another book dealing with healing from the effects of narcissism - it involved the word "thriving", so I opened it. As I read through the reviews, I realized that I really don't need to read another book about narcissism - I KNOW how to deal with narcissists! I don't need lessons in how to speak with them so they can hear me - they CAN'T hear me! I don't need to learn another technique to keep them from pushing my buttons - no matter what I do, they'll find another button! I really don't want to read about how changing my behavior (which I have done most of my life) will allow them to feel the love and change their behavior - honestly? I read a post this morning* (and I'll have to go back and find it because it was brilliant) that talked about how important boundaries are, but also how important it is to remember that narcissists are notorious boundary-invaders. I'm strengthening my boundaries daily and I'm going to continue to do that, but I really do think that for me, NC is the only way to deal with the 3 Weird Sisters. In most of my regular life, I deal with N's one-on-one and that's do-able for me now, but the Gang of 3 is a bit much to handle and the enmeshment is so complete that it really is 3 in 1.
And I also think that the only people who can teach me about how to deal with narcissists are people who are dealing with narcissists in their daily lives, who are in the trenches - not people who look upon it from afar and who offer "fair and balanced" advice about dealing with these poor, injured souls. Yes, I know that the 3 were also injured by narcissists - I know that their souls were damaged by the ravages of narcissism just as the souls of our Nparents were. But I really do believe that we all have the ability to make choices in our adult lives - I can distinctly remember making choices to NOT be like my Nparents, to think through what I did in my life so as to NOT hurt my children the way I was hurt. Did I make mistakes? Of course I did. Have I hurt others by my inability to see the real issues in my life? Of course I have. Have I been defensive instead of having good boundaries? Yes. Even with the choice to not be narcissistic, I have some of those residual behaviors. But they are residual, not my go-to position. I no longer want N's in my life - I want to be a free, whole, energetic, reasonably happy person who doesn't have to always be accommodating N's and their weirdness. Ever. Again.
* Not My Rock (The Purpose of Boundaries) - see sidebar.
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