There's a weird, empty feeling that comes from shutting someone you've known all your life out of your life. Forever. Part of it is sadness, sadness that the dream of a real relationship has now been declared dead, sadness that no matter what you do, the other person insists on seeing you as a child, and a rather stupid one at that... A mean, dishonest, horrible child... (She learned parenting at the feet of our Nmother.) Part of it is also the N-made feeling that you're really alive only when you're embroiled in the Ndrama, that life without anxiety, drama, mean-spiritedness is boring, dull, empty. Without a plot twist or two, without a surprise attack from a minion, where's the fun in life?
On the other side of that, on the healthy side, it's lovely to open my email and not get a nastygram from a "family" member. Whatever will I call them now? They're not really "family" except in the very worst sense of that word. Biologicals? It has possibilities. My "real" family consists of siblings who love me, who treat me with respect, and who don't feel the need to "put me in my place" every time I disagree with them or step outside of the strict parameters set by the biologicals. "Shame on you" is my NFOO's mantra - how wonderful to be free of that! How wonderful to have the freedom to live my life in front of God and the world without constant criticism - ah...
This is going to take a bit of getting used to - the sadness, I know, will pass. It's based on the death of a dream, and we all experience that from time to time and learn to adjust. The dream was unrealistic from the get-go and it's time to just let it go. The woman is 65 and hasn't figured out how to have a non-coercive relationship, a relationship in which she isn't in complete control, so my continuing to attempt to try to have a relationship with her was just plain - dare I say it? - stupid, naive, childlike. I'm over that now. I'm spending this year working on having only healthy adult relationships and the biologicals don't fit into that picture on either count. I do wish them well - I'm surprised that I don't harbor feelings of vengeance, of wishing them ill. I hope they have long, blessing-filled lives - without me in them! This, I think, is one of the blessings for which I'm so thankful today - I don't want to live a life of bitterness toward my NFOO - I just no longer want to be included in any way in their histrionics, games, lies, slander, and gossip. My life must remain hidden from them and only I have the power to make that happen.
And as for the adreneline rush, I'm pretty sure I'll settle into that not being a part of my life - maybe, just maybe, the need for anxiety meds will disappear completely now - it's rare now that I take anything at all. And it would be lovely to get adreneline rushes from excitement and fun rather than NFOO nonsense - hurrah!!!! Might be time for an adventure!!! It's amazing when life opens up again in front of you, isn't it?
Hi Toto,
ReplyDeleteI'm curious, how long have you been NC with your FOO? You seem to be doing amazingly well. I get the adrenaline thing, too. I've been thinking about that a lot in relation to justifiable anger, which is part of coming from a family like this...I used to live in chaos. I didn't know any better. It felt normal. It was a form of excitement, I think, and a way to disract myself from my feelings. Not so much in contact with my family, but as how I was trained to live in my family. I don't miss it at all, and I don't remember a time when I did, although I probably went through some sort of grieving period about it. Anyway, good post! Thanks for sharing.
Kitty - sorry it's taken so long for me to respond - I've been weaving! Nmmother died last Chrismas Day (As a friend of my sister's says, "What really good narcissist wouldn't?") and I've had no contact since then. Their behavior at the deathbed scene was horrific and I decided that that was it. I wrote a long letter explaining that I would no longer have contact, sent it to some family that I trust to look over, and they advised that I not send it - partly because they worried about repercussions and partly because they saw no sense in explaining anything to N's. I told them I'd hold off for a while and think about it some more, and finally decided that they were right - there really is no point in beating a dead horse. So I just made it so they can't contact me via social sites - email, facebook, blogs, etc. None of them has my SKYPE address and I live on a different continent with no physical mailing address. After this last fiasco with MW, she has also been cut off from contact with me. I've been LC for a long time with all of them - but they managed to still come after me - for all I know, there are rumors and slander flying about me, but I no longer care. Hurrah!
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