Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Stop already!
Having ANY contact with MW brings on anxiety - I've just taken some meds and am practicing deep breathing and wondering why in the world I make any attempt at all. This started out so innocently, but of course became something less than innocent - or more than innocent - whichever way you want to look at it. This is the basic story (remembering that I cannot tell a short story because you might miss something and I'll be blamed.... AACK!). I live outside of the US. My children, whom I love dearly, live in the US. I plan on spending Christmas with my daughter. I've invited my loving siblings to attend as well. It turns out that my son and his girlfriend can't come this year, which makes me sadder than sad, but it's the way it is. LS's 1 and 3 can come and I'm still waiting to hear from W2. MW's son lives near my daughter (So does MW because she's spent some time caring for her grandchildren - she, however, spends a good bit of time traveling and wasn't really sure where she was going to be living this year since her son put the children in daycare.), so I asked MW's son and his partner if some of our guests could stay at his house over the holidays. MW and all of her children will be skiing over the holidays. The answer was yes - I sent 4 lovely hand woven scarves to my nephew, his partner and their 2 children to thank them for allowing us to use their home over the holiday. Soooooooo I get a message today from my nephew indicating that my asking him and not MW has caused hurt feelings and that my guests should stay at MW's house because she would like to "host" us - they're all going to be gone! And the difficulty lies in the fact that my guests don't WANT to stay at MW's house because she's a control freak and if you accept anything from her, she OWNS you! So I've written to my nephew and MW, explaining that I'm sorry I hurt MW's feelings, and that my guests will be staying elsewhere. It's hard for me to believe that something this innocuous could grow into something this stupid. But then again, why did I think it wouldn't? Why do I have any contact with them at all? And these aren't even WWW and her FM's. I really must give up this incessant hope.
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Toto, thanks for a bit of 'backstory.' It helps to put things in context.
ReplyDeleteA few points: MW has clearly appointed herself the "Parent" figure. She's made herself the parent of the siblings. She should be thrilled that you have a good enough relationship with her son that he wants to offer you use of his home, and that you are comfortable staying there. That she insists on usurping that tells you everything you already know. This is the kind of move my NP would make, if I tried to stay at a sibs house during a "family visit." You were RIGHT to decline her "invitation to host" (hah! she'll be out of town!!). This is a power move on her part, full stop. No matter what happens, don't give in, please. Maybe telling her that you're more comfortable staying at your nephew's home, and that it will strengthen your relationship with HIM, might make a difference? (probably not. you've probalby already said this). Wow, now I see clearly what you are dealing with. No more freaking flying monkeys indeed.
Just keep this clearly in your head: MW is NOT your mother or your father and has NO RIGHT to act like it. You have a right to stay with whichever family member makes you feel most comfortable. If she can't butt out of that, you're so right to say 'thanks, but no thanks." Blechhhh.
And they should have paid you for those gorgeous scarves (just kidding. Who charges FOO?)
So the plot thickens - MW did NOT say, apparently, that her feelings were hurt - her son is only speculating that her feelings will be hurt and apparently wants to get out of the line of fire. This really does happen every time I have contact with NFOO - I'm a slow, slow learner... And why do I think that nieces and nephews have managed to escape the ravages of narcissism? There it it again - that ubiquitous hope...
DeleteOf course. Narcs plant their avatars in their children's heads. No one escapes. Even my youngest sister, who used to be able to see the dynamics, has now vanished back down the enabling rabbit hole of parental narcissism. She's moved "home", and sees them all the time (lives 15 minutes away). And she's pushing 50! Btw, the "captcha" phrases for your blog seem to be exceptionally hard for me!
DeletePeriodically, WWW would have flashes of awareness about NFOO, but they never "took." And those phrases drive me to distraction - is there a way to get rid of this ridiculous system? I'm considering going to wordpress, but I'm not terribly good at the mechanics of blogging and I don't want to lose everything - I can't believe I'm written 89 posts since February! When I get to those crazy numbers and jumbled letters, I hit "refresh" until I hit one I think I can decipher and then I zoom in and take a shot at it!!!
DeleteOk, I got confused. MW is only protecting WWW (who is self-appointed Parent figure for a bunch of GROWN siblings). Man, the malignancy exfoliates, dudn't it.
ReplyDeleteNo - you weren't confused- MW is the PARENT FIGURE - always has been, always with capital letters. WWW doesn't enter into this, but I'm sure the lines are buzzing!
DeleteI began to get anxious just reading this. I don't know what I would have done. You showed great courage and bravery in the face of your hope. Now that I think of it, this is probably not hope - it is something more sinister when dealing with these people. They are like the walking dead stomping around in your heart. So sorry. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks - I really do not want any more contact with the NFOO - I'm so glad that MW is renting her house and that she's not tied to the state by property- when I come back, I'd like the state to be mine alone. NO NFOO in my state!!! No Zombies stomping around in my heart!! (Thanks so much for THAT visual!) Love you, too!
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