Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Practicing courage
It's weird that having contact with the Winkies sets off anxiety now - I think I'm beginning to see that those who stand by and watch while claiming not to see are not benign. I've been watching a BBC show called "Wish me Luck", which is based on a true story about British spies in occupied France - it's difficult to watch sometimes, but it's amazing how in time of war, it becomes obvious who is courageous and who is not. And the decision to be courageous must happen in the blink of an eye- there has to be some spark of courage already in place that can flare up when needed. Just as people practice courage, people also practice cowardice. To look the other way over and over again becomes as habitual as standing up over and over again. Rarely, I think, do cowards change to become courageous - or heroes to become cowards. It's a matter of what you've practiced in your life. I haven't been as brave as I want to be - I've allowed the bullies to dominate my life, but I've begun to stand up more for myself and will continue to do that! I haven't allowed others to speak badly about my loving siblings in my presence. I've protected my children from the ravages of my NFOO. I need to continue to feed that spark until it burns away all the fear and anxiety.
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Toto, yes keep practicing it. You have nothing to lose. The Winkies will never give you anything you want anyway--they'll never respect you as a separate person, or hear you without twisting what you are saying. It's funny how situations provoke anxiety even when we think we're past the point of no return. That's what makes FOO and FOO-like dynamics, anywhere, so noxious. You never ever fully get over or outside the feelings, not entirely. In a way, just as much damage has been done to me by FOO members who've enabled malignant narcissism by not standing up for me than by the chief narcs themselves.
ReplyDeleteI think the damage they did was worse - the crazy-making Nstuff just keeps coming and coming and coming. When I talk with the Main Winkie and the Flying Monkeys, nothing makes sense - it's all fear- based nonsense - don't upet the N, don't make her single you out, don't lose your position with the N, which is all that keeps you safe in the family. Both Nparents are dead, but the nonsense continues AS IF THEY WERE STILL HERE- which, in a strange, awful way, they still are. Talk about creepy...
ReplyDeleteActually that's exceptionally creepy. As if somehow your parents' spirits transmigrated into the Main Winkie. That's how she keeps them alive? Maybe, by channeling their strategic narcissism? The hierarchy thing carrying on is definitely a narc legacy. Just keep reminding yourself, they have no actual power. They can THINK WHAT THEY LIKE. Because they will anyway. We cannot perform image-management with people who are, deep down, out to trip us up.
DeleteWooooo.... Transmigration of parental spirits! Talk about yucky... MW has always viewed herself as a parental figure - happens, I guess, when there are no grownups in the house. I don't think she particularly liked either one of them, but the baton was definitely passed early on. She scolds and lectures with the best of them - I do have to remind her periodically that I'm only 3 years younger than she is and we're both in our 60's now... Not that she hears me. That's the oddest thing - she really can't hear a word I say. That's why I LOVED the post in Covert Abuse about Selective Perception - it was MW in a nutshell. She just says the rudest and oddest things sometimes - and views herself as a helpful sort of person, very kind and caring - thoughtful, even... Hmmmmm...
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