I'm so thankful that I've had this past year to really process Nmother's death and basically all NFOO relationships. It's been a ride! I'm finally trusting my intuition, which was frowned on in the NFOO - if a relationship feels "off", I examine it more closely now instead of just accepting it. Any relationship. I'm in the process of strengthening my boundaries - such a novel idea for someone raised in an NFOO! This, I can see, is going to take some time and I'm sure I'll make mistakes along the way - but instead of worrying that I'm going to make mistakes, I'm just doing it and my true friends will understand, confront me when I'm out of line, and we'll deal with it. My, how adult of us!!! I'm pretty sure that I'm always going to be sensitive to slights - too much psychological abuse and that's what you get... I'm not quite sure how to work on that - staying out of the abuse is going to help, I'm sure - and I am at the point where I realize that the abuse has nothing to do with me, but with N's erroneous ideas about me and about their own need for power in the relationship. Still, the intellectual understanding is easy...
I'm also soooooooo thankful that I have so many siblings - a product of my Nparent's narcissism, but a real blessing to me - I'm NC with 4 siblings, but I still have 4 wonderful siblings, for whom I thank God every single day. It's difficult for some of us to connect - the prickliness caused by years of abuse at the hands of Nparents and Nsibs has taken a toll - but we're working on it slowly, slowly. One of my sibs especially is really, truly a sister to me - I'd trust her with my life - and my children's lives, a more telling tribute! We're gone through a lot of this process together and it's been awful and wonderful at the same time, since there's been someone beside me the whole way!
I'm thankful that much of my lifelong anxiety has disappeared - I have moments of anxiety now, but they're short-lived and rarely require medication.. They're not so intense and I can talk myself through them - they are, of course, usually related to NFOO memories. I'm thinking about doing some things to help the anxiety and to heal the memories - when we get back from Christmas in the States, I'm thinking about doing neurofeedback for the residual anxiety and EMDR for processing the memories. Not sure yet, just considering these things. If anyone has experience with either of these, let me know!
I'm thankful that I finally, finally, finally feel like I'm OK. Letting go of Nsibs and their constant need to make me feel "less than" has been glorious! I look back on my life and the decisions I've made and I'm happy with most of it. I've done all sorts of things that NFOO has disapproved of, but they were choices that fit into my view of life and my beliefs and although I've taken a good bit of abuse for those decisions, for the most part, I'd do it all again. (But with no NFOO deriding me!)
(You'd think, reading this, that some of my decisions were illegal or dangerous, but really not! They just didn't fit into the worldview of the NFOO!)
I'm thankful that I have good and honest friends - what a blessing! I've shared my struggles over the past year with only a few trusted people, many of whom have gone through the same struggles and are growing stronger and healthier, too. These are true "sisters"- even when they don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, they're supportive and caring. These are the people I want in my life- these are the people who know me and still love me even when I get prickly, the people who don't expect perfection on their terms, but are willing to let me be me. They make me want to be worthy of them!
I'm sooooooo thankful for my chosen family - my children are such amazing people! I really am constantly amazed by them and the way they live their lives according to their beliefs. I miss them terribly since I don't get to see them very often in person - I do love SKYPE! My husband, who's had a difficult year himself, is really trying to accept this "new" person in his life after being married to a different woman for the past 37 years. It's been a struggle - but we seem to have come through it, if not unscathed, at least whole. This is a good thing!
And lastly, I'm thankful that I'm getting healthy again - that I'm learning how to take care of myself for the first time in my life. That I'm losing weight and allowing myself to feel feminine and spending time on myself. I'm doing the things I really like to do - cooking, weaving, walking, reading, watching BBC shows, visiting with friends... Life is good!
So there you have it - late Thanksgiving - but daily thanks giving for all the blessings in my life.
What a lovely post, Toto. Your gratitude list is inspiring. It has inspired me to do one of my own. Life is always so much better when we can be grateful for what we have.
ReplyDeleteI agree! Life is hard sometimes and it helps to remember how blessed we really are!
DeleteI love everything about this post. It's clarity, the way it feels like so much clutter has finally been cut through and packed up. Even with sibs who you do have relationships with, coming from the same NFOO means you'll always have to work on it with them from time to time, but at least they see the same reality you see. That's huge, IMO. My sisters deep down know it, but their attitude is "our parents should live out the rest of their lives without having to feel guilty about anything." I don't know where that "should" comes from. I told them, "they've always lived their lives without taking any responsibility for their narcissism. What's different now? That they're old?"
ReplyDeleteWhen do WE get the guilt-free pass? I want it!!! (Not really - I think that people are meant to feel guilt if they do something wrong or harmful. It's the shaming that I'd like to get away from...) I am enjoying my life uncluttered by shaming, sniping, lecturing, etc. - it gives me so much more brain space to work with!!
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